Transmissions from the alternate universe

NASA: Asteroid Strike Probable in Near Future

Posted by oldancestor on February 9, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Space, once thought empty, is full of rocks.

WASHINGTON DC – NASA scientists said today that a massive asteroid strike could occur as early as next week.

“Apparently, the asteroid union has filed a grievance with Solar System, Inc. and says it will go on strike if unfair practices are not redressed,” NASA labor-relations expert Pinky Middleton told reporters earlier today. “We’re monitoring the situation carefully.”

Space Rock Local 124, the asteroid union that serves our solar system, claims that it is being forced to operate in an unsafe work environment. Union leaders say all they want are new orbital paths, not pay raises.

Union president Rocky Ele said in a statement released to the press this morning, “The planets whine and cry about the occasional collision. I suppose they whine and cry about bird feathers on their French doors too. Well, how do you think the bird feels?”

Talk of sending unmanned spacecraft into the solar system to destroy near-earth asteroids has some space rocks spooked. The asteroid Apophis, one of an estimated 45,000 large rocks orbiting the sun, told The Anvil he feels increasingly nervous going to work every day.

“I’m just trying to execute my trajectory,” he says. “But now they [Earthlings] want to blow me up, like I’m some kind of planet hunter. Hey, I never asked to be affected by Earth’s gravitational pull. Where’s the off switch on that thing?”

In a surprise move this week, the Obama administration cancelled funding for NASA’s Near-Earth Object Program, which monitors threats from space, claiming the cuts were necessary for the sake of trimming the budget deficit. That explanation did not stop some Republicans from crying foul.

In an interview that aired on CNN last night, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said, “We think it’s interesting that the President can suddenly make billions disappear from the budget when his labor union friends complain about some perceived injustice.”

Indeed, Space Rock Local 124 was one of the biggest contributors to the Obama campaign in 2008, and, with the Supreme Court having lessened restrictions on outside political donations in a recent ruling, the asteroids figure to be even bigger contributors to Democrats in 2012.

In response to McConnell’s assertions, outgoing White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said, “Bullsh*t.”

He later added, “Man, I’ve been wanting to say that to someone for the past two and a half years.”

No one is quite sure what will happen if the solar system’s asteroids all go on strike at once. Could thousands of no-longer-orbiting space boulders cause gravitational disturbances that ripple across the orbital path of the eight planets? Will the asteroids begin to collect and form a new planet between Mars and Jupiter that pulls the Earth farther from the sun, plunging our planet into a new, permanent ice age? Or, perhaps, could the moon simply be slammed into Earth at thousands of miles per second, destroying both worlds and ending life as we know it?”

“No,” says NASA’s Middleton. “None of those things will happen. Asteroids can’t stop moving through space, no more than Geico can stop running ads all day. A strike would be a symbolic gesture.”

That hasn’t stopped Russian Space Agency officials from launching the new deep space probe, Preparation H [the H is for Hydrogen Bomb], a warhead-tipped rocket that can be reprogrammed from Earth to hunt down specific targets that enter the inner solar system.

“We offer prompt, soothing relief from asteroids,” said former Cosmonaut Boris Blastikoff, now heading up the Motherland Defense division of the agency.

Union officials from United Comets Interplanetary local 84 were not willing to comment on this story.


20 Responses to “NASA: Asteroid Strike Probable in Near Future”

  1. postadaychallenge2011 said

    without your news of this asteroid I would be unaware. Hum, look into earthquakes and the Madrid Fault line too.

    that utube link will freak you out.

  2. postadaychallenge2011 said

  3. I say, “Rock on, Space Rock Local 124!” Where, oh where is Norma Rae when you need her? The union members need to be praying that Morgan Freeman and Bruce Willis are not on the Russian Preparation H team. Maybe they can start a smear campaign or something.

    In the meantime, I want them to know that I’m behind them (safer than being on their other side).

    • “Smear campaign”?

      And you say my replies make YOU groan!

      Nice way to reference three films in one paragraph without naming any of them, by the way. I admire movie references, as any film nerd who regularly reads my blog (or rolls their pointer over the photos, hint hint) knows.

  4. nrhatch said

    OA ~ This is Outstanding and Awesome!!! 🙂

    You are a man of fine wit, indeed.

  5. Chad said

    Hilarious! We need more strikes in America but not asteroid strikes. This union member appreciates a fresh pun now and then.


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