World’s oldest pet goldfish dead at 2 weeks

By Eric J Baker

Undated photo of Goldie (image by Ethan B Weinrib)

BALTIMORE – Goldie, the world’s oldest pet goldfish, died today at the age of two weeks. The Maryland-born fish’s reign lasted an hour, following the death of Fin, also two-weeks old, of Paris, France. Veterinarians say Goldie died of natural causes, though police are refusing to rule out foul play.

Gil Swimson, the father of Goldie’s owner, Emma, has deferred all questions from the media to their family lawyer, Phil Ter, who could not be reached for comment.

Funeral services for Goldie were to be held around the toilet in the Swimson’s downstairs bathroom, but, in a bizarre and shocking twist, the body has gone missing. Baltimore police chief Pinky Middleton told reporters this afternoon that city investigators were tracking down several leads in the case.

“As far as we can tell, the body was briefly left in the care of the family cat, Pickles,” said Middleton, “but after that, it’s hard to say what happened.”

Police say Pickles is not a suspect in the theft, owing to her loss of appetite over being upset.

“Nobody can fake that kind of grief,” said an unnamed source inside the police department.

Goldie’s death has resonated all the way to nearby Washington, DC, where President Obama was hard at work trying to resolve the ongoing crisis in Egypt. He took time out of a meeting with key cabinet officials to tell reporters, “I’m sure I speak for all Americans when I say our hearts and prayers go out to the Swimson family during this difficult time.”

At press time, Goldie’s death leaves Ifukube of Yokahama, Japan as the world’s oldest pet goldfish. Ifukube is believed to be one week and six days old.

UPDATE: Ifukube died approximately two hours after this article was posted, leaving Portia, of Durham, England, as the world’s oldest pet goldfish at one week and five and a half days.

SECOND UPDATE: In tragic news, Portia was sucked into the filter attached to her aquarium and killed at 9:29 p.m. Eastern time today. A search is currently underway to identify the world’s current oldest pet goldfish. More on this breaking story as it develops.