Transmissions from the alternate universe

World’s oldest pet goldfish dead at 2 weeks

Posted by oldancestor on February 5, 2011

By Eric J Baker

Undated photo of Goldie (image by Ethan B Weinrib)

BALTIMORE – Goldie, the world’s oldest pet goldfish, died today at the age of two weeks. The Maryland-born fish’s reign lasted an hour, following the death of Fin, also two-weeks old, of Paris, France. Veterinarians say Goldie died of natural causes, though police are refusing to rule out foul play.

Gil Swimson, the father of Goldie’s owner, Emma, has deferred all questions from the media to their family lawyer, Phil Ter, who could not be reached for comment.

Funeral services for Goldie were to be held around the toilet in the Swimson’s downstairs bathroom, but, in a bizarre and shocking twist, the body has gone missing. Baltimore police chief Pinky Middleton told reporters this afternoon that city investigators were tracking down several leads in the case.

“As far as we can tell, the body was briefly left in the care of the family cat, Pickles,” said Middleton, “but after that, it’s hard to say what happened.”

Police say Pickles is not a suspect in the theft, owing to her loss of appetite over being upset.

“Nobody can fake that kind of grief,” said an unnamed source inside the police department.

Goldie’s death has resonated all the way to nearby Washington, DC, where President Obama was hard at work trying to resolve the ongoing crisis in Egypt. He took time out of a meeting with key cabinet officials to tell reporters, “I’m sure I speak for all Americans when I say our hearts and prayers go out to the Swimson family during this difficult time.”

At press time, Goldie’s death leaves Ifukube of Yokahama, Japan as the world’s oldest pet goldfish. Ifukube is believed to be one week and six days old.

UPDATE: Ifukube died approximately two hours after this article was posted, leaving Portia, of Durham, England, as the world’s oldest pet goldfish at one week and five and a half days.

SECOND UPDATE: In tragic news, Portia was sucked into the filter attached to her aquarium and killed at 9:29 p.m. Eastern time today. A search is currently underway to identify the world’s current oldest pet goldfish. More on this breaking story as it develops.

16 Responses to “World’s oldest pet goldfish dead at 2 weeks”

  1. Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it! Oh! The humanity! Poor Goldie, poor Ifukube! Poor Portia! What next? I can’t STAAAAAANNND IT!


    • There there. Have a good cry.

      We at The Anvil are aware that the scope of tragedy in the story is almost beyond comprehension. However, we also believe it is our duty to give America (and other countries that read in English) the straight facts, pailful though they may be.

      On an unrelated note, you set an Anvil record for fastest comment following the posting of a story, at somewhere in the neighborhood of one minute.

  2. So why did it take five minutes to answer me? BTW, the true record would be if I can respond BEFORE you post. . .you never know. It could happen.

  3. Search no longer! My goldfish, Blackie, is 5 days and 3 hours old and the current record holder for world’s oldest goldfish. I would also like to say…hold on a second..something seems to be wrong…Blackie??? BLACKIE???!!!
    someone call 911!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • side note-Dear Anvil,
      you promised me weeks ago that of I started my own blog, I would no longer have a stupid “crazy cheese with legs” avatar (see upper right hand corner) when I left a comment. Well, I started my own blog,solely for the purpose of ridding myself of that useless piece of cheese and, awful as that blog is,it is still a damn official wordpress blog. Yet the cheese remains..what gives?

      • Important note: You are crazy cheese with a huge brain. You should take that as a compliment.

        Nevertheless, you will not look like crazy cheese as soon as you upload your own avatar. Unless you actually look like crazy cheese and no one has ever told you the truth.

  4. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    When and where is the funeral for Goldie? I would like to pay my respects. Such a shame. Goldie had a vigor for life like no other. She would give the scales off her back to someone in need with no hesitation.

    R.I.P. Goldie. We’ll miss you.

  5. nrhatch said

    Bwahahaha! Loved this!

    And thanks for your comment to Chad. Much appreciated. He is too intense for me at times ~ especially on a Saturday morning.

    I don’t want to spend my weekend defending a Q & A blog post as if it were my graduate thesis on global warming and survival of the fittest. 🙂

    BTW: I apologize for not swinging by here sooner. For some reason, I never clicked on your name to find this gem of a blog. As mindful as I can be at times, at others I’m sure that I’m walking around with eyes closed. @-@

    • Yes, that Chad feller takes himself a little seriously, it seems. Maybe, in time, he’ll learn how to wield his mind in a more targeted way.

      No need to apologize. You post quite often and have a readership that would be the envy of most bloggers (including me), so I don’t expect you to click on every single name. I’m just glad you had a chance to stop by and enjoyed the story.

    • nrhatch said

      Well, time permitting, I’ll run through some of your older posts. I like your writing style . . . it makes me laugh. 😀

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  8. Wow that was unusual. I just wrote an extremely long
    commenmt but after I clicked submit my comkent didn’t appear.
    Grrrr… well I’m not wrting all that over again. Anyhow, just wated to say fantastic blog!

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