THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Why won’t the mainstream press report this?

Posted by oldancestor on January 23, 2011

”]Here at The Anvil, we are dedicated to bringing you the stories the mainstream news networks refuse to tell. While AP and Reuters go on and on about political thingamajigs and world-affairs doodads nobody cares about, we dig deeper to uncover the real truth. But before you read on, be warned: You may never look at the world the same way again.

Captain Crunch promoted to admiral  

Captain Crunch, perhaps America’s greatest living naval hero, has been promoted to admiral, throwing the breakfast cereal industry into disarray.

“I don’t know what the heck we are supposed to do now,” said Susan B. Anthony, spokesperson for Quaker Oats, the company that manufactures the Cap’n Crunch cereal line. “You know how many boxes are sitting in our factory right now that say ‘cap’n’ on the front, waiting to be shipped?  Only about a billion.”

NATO commander and rival to Admiral Crunch, General Mills, has called for UN sanctions against Crunch. He claims the sailor is in violation of the International Cereal Name Continuity Agreement for accepting the promotion, though, it should be noted, Cap’n Crunch cereals have yet to be officially retitled.

Mills points out that other cereal makers have stuck by unfortunate product names for the sake of ethical business practice. “Post is sitting on 800,000 crates of Cat Turdios,” he says, “because they know how to honor a treaty.”

Cat Turdios is widely considered to be the least popular cereal in the world, despite winning multiple taste tests against Lucky Charms, Honey Nut Cheerios, and Fruity Pebbles, all popular cereal makes.

Khan Noonien Singh, a late 20th century, genetically engineered supervillain who was banished to the planet Ceti Alpha V, said of the captain’s promotion, “Admiral? Admiral!”

According to eyewitnesses,  an incensed Khan then put a mind-controlling scorpion in Chekov’s ear, escaped Ceti Alpha V in a stolen federation vessel, and was later killed in a space battle.

Massacre!

Trillions were killed yesterday when Betty Jo Mamma of Possum Bone, Arkansas sprayed Fantastic brand disinfectant all over her son Charlie’s toilet bowl, which had not been cleaned since 2008. Only about one percent of those attacked managed to survive.

“This has got to stop,” said Sarah Mecium, spokesperson for We Were Here First (WeWeHeFi), a not-for-profit microbe advocacy organization. “If some kid chokes on a lollipop, there’s this major uproar in the news media about banning lollipops. Meanwhile, store shelves are linedwith rows and rows of spray cleaners, antiseptic wipes, and mouth washes. What about our rights? Why is Betty Jo Mamma walking around a free woman right now?”

When asked if charges were pending against Ms. Mamma, Possum Bone Police Chief Derwood Trafficstop issued a terse, “Uh, no.”

It is estimated that a septillion-to-the-octillionth-power number of bacteria and other microbes have been killed by humans since the Centers for Disease Assistance (CDA) started keeping records in 2003. The Anvil was planning on putting a continuously updating death counter on our home page to raise awareness for the suffering of our tiny, almost invisible friends, but our IT department said we were on crack.

When informed of our hope to draw attention the plight of single-celled organisms, WeWeHeFi spokesperson Mecium said, “Oh, yeah? That was my uncle you sent flying across the room yesterday when you took a can of air blast to your computer keyboard.”

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Note: pretend there’s a ” ] ” in that photo caption above. Yes, we’re too lazy to remove the picture and reedit it. 

Thank you, ed.

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9 Responses to “Why won’t the mainstream press report this?”

  1. Shame on me for not commenting on your last two posts! It’s just that I am only now getting over th spasms of laughter. And now you lead me to hysteria on bacteria. . .how do you expect me to get through the day doubled over? Have a heart! Write something unfunny. . .I need the rest.

  2. “Oh Captain, my Captain”
    “Oh Admiral, my Admiral”
    The first one just has a better ring to it.

  3. Ha Ha … great blog. Main Stream “true” news is so old.

  4. Chad said

    Where can I get Cat Turdios?
    -=Chad=-

    • Sadly, you have to go to the dollar store these days. They’re the only ones who will stock it. But, for a buck, it’s quite a taste sensation.

      By the way, the pink christmas tree monster avatar randomly assigned to you by wordpress is by far the best one I’ve seen on here. It’s mch cooler than the, er, Cat Turdio they gave me.

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