THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

America Crowns Miss Teen Zombie USA

Posted by oldancestor on January 16, 2011

By Lacy Thundercake

Miss Teen Zombie USA 2011

“Here she comes, your entrails in her mouth.”

Millions of television viewers heard those words sung last night as Deidre “Dee” Kay of Tennessee was crowned the first-ever Miss Teen Zombie USA. That’s when Corporeal Entropy as a Result of Dental Aggression by Cannibal Corpse became America’s song. And young Ms. Kay became America’s Zombie.

Kay, who was not expected to challenge for the crown, overcame stiffening competition from runners up Miss California and Miss New Mexico, thanks to her combination of talent and charm. Miss Minnesota, the favorite going in, was shot in the head by a redneck last week and thrown onto a bonfire, thus forcing her to drop out. Another contender, Miss New Hampshire, had to exit the pageant early when her arms fell off.

The event, which was broadcast last night from the Uneeda Medical Supply Pavilion in Los Angeles, featured 18- and 19-year-old undead women from 49 states and the District of Columbia vying for the Miss Teen Zombie title. Kay impressed the judges during the talent competition by eviscerating a screaming human with her teeth in less than three minutes. When asked what she planned do if she won the competition, she told the audience she wanted to host the first zombie cooking show.

“While I can shred raw flesh was well as anyone,” she said, “I want to teach young zombies that paprika and steaming intestines can co-exist on a dinner plate.”

Kay also said she wants to make sure all zombies to have equal access to embalming fluid, which she drinks daily and credits for scaring away flies.

After pageant host Larry King placed the tiara on her head, an emotional Kay said, “I’d be crying right now if I weren’t so desiccated.”

Profile of Deidre Kay, the new Miss Teen Zombie USA

 Age at time of reanimation – 18

Favorite movie – My dinner, Andre

Favorite TV show – *&@! My Dad Says When Gnawing on a Femur

Favorite song – I love the Dead by Alice Cooper

Favorite literary character – Hannibal Lecter

Favorite historical figure – Lazarus

Most embarrassing moment – “Shouting ‘Braaaaaiiiiinnnnssss!’ when I met the First Lady Michelle Obama last year. I had planned to say something more profound. She looked perturbed.”

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6 Responses to “America Crowns Miss Teen Zombie USA”

  1. Seriously doubting the validity of this entry as I see no mention of the phrase:”World Peace.” Even the flesh challenged know this is a beauty pageant staple.

  2. tsuchigari said

    Amusing as always, in a sick sad way. Now we just need the Miss Zombie America Reality Show where we can watch her in action inspiring and infecting young girls around the country.

  3. that picture almost drove me away but i’m glad i made it past my fear. interesting post! keep on!

    • Wait. You’re a doctor. You must treat lots of zombies, what with all the falling apart.

      Far be it from me to give advice to a psychiatrist, but stay away from the teeth. Those suckers bite!

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