Most Shocking News Stories of 2011!
Posted by oldancestor on January 1, 2011
Baby New Year hasn’t even started on creamed carrots yet, and 2011 is already shaping up to be the most electrifying news year since 423 AD, when we forgot how to make concrete. Don’t believe it? Then try sticking your finger in this light socket of truth:
Discovery Channel to air Tito Jackson colonoscopy
Cable station The Discovery Channel has cancelled the showing of a documentary about late pop singer Michael Jackson’s autopsy following complaints the show was gruesome and tasteless. In its place, station programmers have decided to air a medical special entitled “Tito Jackson: A colonoscopy.” Viewer discretion is advised.
“We promised our viewers a Jackson and a medical procedure, and that’s what they’re getting,” said Discovery Channel president Shana Plantain.
Another option programmers had considered was to exhume the remains of Andrew Jackson, America’s seventh President, on camera. However, it was later determined that an exhumation is not a medical procedure but, rather, a court order.
Sex abuse scandal rocks Jedi
Already plagued by bad press and plunging approval ratings, the Jedi find themselves embroiled in scandal following yesterday’s shocking allegations that certain Jedi masters routinely ‘force’ themselves on young trainees.
The quasi-religious police organization, known for renouncing physical intimacy and marriage, has often been the subject of speculation regarding just what goes on between master and pupil behind closed temple doors. But that mystery was blown wide open yesterday when ABC (Alderaan Broadcasting Company) aired a 60 Parsecs episode about a young Jedi apprentice, identified only as “Ben K,” who claims he has been living as his master’s de facto wife for the past three years.
“It all started,” says Ben, “when my master asked me, ‘You wanna polish my light saber?’”
News of the alleged abuse brought swift condemnation on the floor of the galactic senate. Said Naboo’s three-term Senator, Palpatine, “What’s wrong with these people? They take children away from their families, hand them deadly weapons, and make them wear weird robes. No wonder so many of them turn to evil.”
Congressman Pinky Middleton (D-Yavin) echoed Palpatine’s sentiments, telling reporters, “This is what happens when you privatize law enforcement. You get a bunch of egomaniacs who think they are above the law. Jedi leadership needs to oust the perpetrators if they want to save what’s left of their reputation.”
In a statement to the press this morning, Jedi grand master Yoda only said, “My own counsel will I keep on who is guilty!”
Giant glowing ball slips down pole in New York; Crowd below uninjured
Tourists in New York City’s Times Square neighborhood narrowly escaped death when a giant illuminated ball slid down a pole moments before midnight on Friday. A loud cheer went up from the crowd when people began to realize how lucky they were. Confetti canons, originally intended for use in a New Years celebration, were fired to show appreciation for the apparent act of divine intervention.
Mayor Michael Bloomberg praised the city’s construction workers who had earlier installed a safety stopper that prevented the five-ton ball from shattering and raining glass on unsuspecting revelers, but New York’s congressional rep Anthony Weiner said, “The thing never would have slipped in the first place if not for all these irresponsible budget cuts.”
Birther movement enters 222nd year of demanding George Washington’s birth certificate
A small, but vocal, group of Americans has vowed to continue its fight into an unprecedented 22nd decade demanding proof that President George Washington was born in the United States and not some place they call, “the colonies.”
Mainstream history books claim that the nation’s first President was born in Virginia, but members of the activist organization We Are Citizens Koncerned (WACKo) are not convinced.
“Mr. Washington was born in 1732,” says WACKo chairman Larry Crank, great great great great great grandson of the group’s founder, Jeremiah Crank. “We’ve studied the literature of the day, and nowhere does the phrase ‘United States of America’ appear. Hence, he was not born in the United States.”
The US Constitution says that a President must be a natural born citizen and cannot have wooden teeth, though the second requirement is often overlooked in Washington’s case.
“That’s a different battle for a different day,” explains Crank, whose goal is to erase Washington from history. “But, now that you mention it, isn’t a little odd that President Obama refuses to provide evidence that his teeth aren’t made of wood?”