Transmissions from the alternate universe

Most Shocking News Stories of 2011!

Posted by oldancestor on January 1, 2011

In the year 0000, novelty glasses offered a less obstructed view


Baby New Year hasn’t even started on creamed carrots yet, and 2011 is already shaping up to be the most electrifying news year since 423 AD, when we forgot how to make concrete. Don’t believe it?  Then try sticking your finger in this light socket of truth:

Discovery Channel to air Tito Jackson colonoscopy


Cable station The Discovery Channel has cancelled the showing of a documentary about late pop singer Michael Jackson’s autopsy following complaints the show was gruesome and tasteless. In its place, station programmers have decided to air a medical special entitled “Tito Jackson: A colonoscopy.” Viewer discretion is advised.

“We promised our viewers a Jackson and a medical procedure, and that’s what they’re getting,” said Discovery Channel president Shana Plantain.

Another option programmers had considered was to exhume the remains of Andrew Jackson, America’s seventh President, on camera. However, it was later determined that an exhumation is not a medical procedure but, rather, a court order.

Sex abuse scandal rocks Jedi


Already plagued by bad press and plunging approval ratings, the Jedi find themselves embroiled in scandal following yesterday’s shocking allegations that certain Jedi masters routinely ‘force’ themselves on young trainees.

The quasi-religious police organization, known for renouncing physical intimacy and marriage, has often been the subject of speculation regarding just what goes on between master and pupil behind closed temple doors. But that mystery was blown wide open yesterday when ABC (Alderaan Broadcasting Company) aired a 60 Parsecs episode about a young Jedi apprentice, identified only as “Ben K,” who claims he has been living as his master’s de facto wife for the past three years.

“It all started,” says Ben, “when my master asked me, ‘You wanna polish my light saber?’”

News of the alleged abuse brought swift condemnation on the floor of the galactic senate. Said Naboo’s three-term Senator, Palpatine, “What’s wrong with these people? They take children away from their families, hand them deadly weapons, and make them wear weird robes. No wonder so many of them turn to evil.”

Congressman Pinky Middleton (D-Yavin) echoed Palpatine’s sentiments, telling reporters, “This is what happens when you privatize law enforcement. You get a bunch of egomaniacs who think they are above the law. Jedi leadership needs to oust the perpetrators if they want to save what’s left of their reputation.”

In a statement to the press this morning, Jedi grand master Yoda only said, “My own counsel will I keep on who is guilty!”

Giant glowing ball slips down pole in New York; Crowd below uninjured


Tourists in New York City’s Times Square neighborhood narrowly escaped death when a giant illuminated ball slid down a pole moments before midnight on Friday. A loud cheer went up from the crowd when people began to realize how lucky they were. Confetti canons, originally intended for use in a New Years celebration, were fired to show appreciation for the apparent act of divine intervention.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg praised the city’s construction workers who had earlier installed a safety stopper that prevented the five-ton ball from shattering and raining glass on unsuspecting revelers, but New York’s congressional rep Anthony Weiner said, “The thing never would have slipped in the first place if not for all these irresponsible budget cuts.”

Birther movement enters 222nd year of demanding George Washington’s birth certificate


A small, but vocal, group of Americans has vowed to continue its fight into an unprecedented 22nd  decade demanding proof that President George Washington was born in the United States and not some place they call, “the colonies.”

Mainstream history books claim that the nation’s first President was born in Virginia, but members of the activist organization We Are Citizens Koncerned (WACKo) are not convinced.

“Mr. Washington was born in 1732,” says WACKo chairman Larry Crank, great great great great great grandson of the group’s founder, Jeremiah Crank. “We’ve studied the literature of the day, and nowhere does the phrase ‘United States of America’ appear. Hence, he was not born in the United States.”

The US Constitution says that a President must be a natural born citizen and cannot have wooden teeth, though the second requirement is often overlooked in Washington’s case.

“That’s a different battle for a different day,” explains Crank, whose goal is to erase Washington from history. “But, now that you mention it, isn’t a little odd that President Obama refuses to provide evidence that his teeth aren’t made of wood?”



16 Responses to “Most Shocking News Stories of 2011!”

  1. You didn’t ask for this wordy response, but since they aren’t my words, I thought you might enjoy them: Instead of Tito’s Colonoscopy, how about Dave Barry’s – which he describes for us here. I read this a couple of years ago, and I’m still laughing (which, believe you me, is embarrassing and hard to explain!)!

    Dave Barry’s colonoscopy journal:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’
    I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
    I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.
    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
    In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
    Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result’.
    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
    At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.
    ‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
    ‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
    I have no idea! Really! I slept through it! One moment, ABBA was yelling, ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

    Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

    On the subject of Colonoscopies…
    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous…… A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

    1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!’
    2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
    3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
    4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
    5. ‘You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.’
    6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
    7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’
    8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
    9. ‘If your hand don’t fit, then you must quit!’
    10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
    11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’
    12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.

    And the best one of all.

    13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’

    Cheers, OA, and a Happy Jackson AND colonoscopy-free New Year.

  2. To anyone who read this article before I corrected a bizarre typo, I apologize. When I spell “unprecedented” incorrectly, I really should read the suggestion offered by my spell checker before I OK it.

  3. jeanie said

    ahahahaha-this entry was too funny to even attempt an intelligent comment.
    Bravo Anvil- hope you keep the blog going in 2011!!

  4. tsuchigari said

    After all these stellar comments it’s hard to come up with something truly witty. Great stuff from Paula. LOVE Dave Barry. Note from a science geek – a parsec is actually a measurement of distance not time, something they screwed up on Star Wars.

    Keep it coming!

    • Yeah, I heard about the parsec thing. Then I read someone’s argument that, in a time-space continuum, the faster you go, the less distance you have to travel to get to the same place, so Han Solo was claiming his ship is so fast it shortened the distance.

      It was probably nothing like that at all, but it sounded like a good explanation at the time. I’ll leave it to the astrophysicists hash it out.

      I am comfortable pointing out that Han Solo should have said, “fewer than” 12 parsecs, not “less than.”

      Then again, would Han Solo be concerned with grammar rules?

      On the other hand, we can presume they don’t speak English in that galaxy – it’s translated for our understanding – so he didn’t really say those words. So why the grammar mistake?

      However, were the writers simply trying to capture his non-English-speaking persona in English by depicting the character using a more “blue-collar” vernacular?


      Is anyone still there?

      Where’d everybody go? This conversation was finally starting to get cool…

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