Transmissions from the alternate universe

New Enemy in the War on Christmas

Posted by oldancestor on December 23, 2010


An editorial by Lennie

Is this how Christmas ends? Probably.


Bob Dylan once famously said, “We will bury you without firing a single shot.”

He was, of course, talking to his archrival, Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees. And Dylan was right, for he went to become rock music’s most celebrated songwriter, while the Monkees are (barely) remembered for a couple of late 1960s bubble-gum pop songs and a lame, short-lived TV show.

Dylan’s point was that wars are not won with bombs and bullets. They are won by changing hearts and minds. And that’s exactly how our enemies are fighting a war we cannot afford to lose.

I’m talking about the War on Christmas. Although you probably knew that already, having read the headline. Damn you, headline.

There are many fronts on the War on Christmas. You’ll have to watch Bill O’Reilly to find out what they are, because I forget. But the most insidious enemy of all is one we’ve long believed to be our friend. I’m talking about The Tree. (But you knew that already too, again because of the headline. Why are editorials so hard?)

We think of our green, pointy-topped brothers as so innocent and naïve. And perhaps they were… before the Arbor Day cultists recruited them for their nefarious, Christmas-hating ambitions. Don’t look now America, but trees have found their way into our shopping malls, our car dealerships, our offices, and even our homes. They’ve prettied themselves up like cheap tarts, with their blinking lights and their shiny baubles, luring you in like a fly to a rotting fruit salad. You, an idiot who is dazzled by all that sparkles and tinsels. You water it. You gaze up at it. You worship it.

Maybe I need to remind you of the second amendment of the Declaration of Independence: Thou Shall Not Worship False Idols.

With that in mind, I call upon the two most holy figures in all Christendom, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, to join forces and stamp out false idols once and for all.

Santa, if you are reading this, I know we agree there is only one God, so please, use your unlimited supernatural powers to wipe out the arborealists who think otherwise. When you come down that chimney with your bag of gifts, destroy the foul tempter you find waiting for you in at the bottom. As for the people, snug in their beds, tired from a long day of consorting with the green devil… you must slay them. Kill them as they slumber! It’s the only way to save Christmas.

No one knows why the trees have decided to infiltrate the world of humans. Maybe it’s revenge for all the furniture. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that they have infiltrated and that we have to fight back. Humans must not go gently into the endless night!

Weep not for the forest fire. Sure, it sucks for the little woodland creatures, but all wars have collateral damage.

Disclaimer: As far as I can tell, deciduous trees are perfectly innocent in all this. I’d hate for you to get all riled up and chop down a maple tree in your yard because of what I wrote. If I didn’t make myself clear… it’s the Pines.

About the writer: Lennie is so unlikeable, his orphanage once put him in a basket and left him on the front steps of an unwed teenage mother’s house.













6 Responses to “New Enemy in the War on Christmas”

  1. We’ll all really be in touble when the artificial trees get in cahoots with the rest of ’em! It’ll be like “V” all over again, or Battlestar Galactica! We won’t know the real from the fake – who’s good, who’s bad! Good Grief! What will we do??? I say, HIDE! Maybe this season will all blow over by say, December 26 or so. . .if only I can last that long!

  2. Oooh. I think you just came up with the premise for your next novel. Maybe the real trees are good and the identical fake trees are evil (like Mechagodzilla, who dresses as Godzilla in the beginning of “Godzilla Vs the Cosmic Monster” from 1974, for no reason). In addition to the main tree plot, you can have a subplot about an overzealous politician who wants to destroy all trees just to be safe, and we have to learn a lesson about Freedom vs Security, bla bla bla. Deep, huh?

    I plan to stay safe from the trees this holiday season by spending it with Jewish or Muslim friends. For some reason, they’ve been able to secure their homes more effectively, but I’m not sure how. I know the Jewish people have this cool candelabra looking thingie which, I suspect, is used to ward off decorated pine tree infiltration.

    • Unfortunately, the Jews are no longeer safe from this predator! The Christmas Tree, boldly disguised as a “Hanukah Bush,” has begun a strong infiltration into the homes of erstwhile observant Jews, and apparently even a fully-lit menorah cannot ward it off (unless held closely enough to it!). Yes, the novel idea is indeed deep. I won’t say deep “what,” but it’s deep! BTW, Merry Christmas OA! 😀

  3. jeanie said

    After I read this blog entry I got scared..real scared. I had one of those beasts in my house for God’s sake!! All sparkly and tart-like, just as you said.
    I tossed that sucker out to the curb and slammed the door fast. The next was back, standing in the corner, ornaments intact. God, I mean Santa, help us all!!!
    BTW- it’s not just the pines, I had to kill a maple tree yesterday- it was looking at me funny.

    • That’s my fault. My guitar is made of maple, but the maples can’t get to me. So they’re going after the people I care about. I’m so sorry.

      In the words of the legendary Geena Davis: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

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