New air security threat: Projectile farting

Feds also on the lookout for “eyeball” bombers

By Eric J Baker

The burrito: Refried death?

 

WASHINGTON DC – Thousands of underwear bombers were foiled this Thanksgiving holiday at our nation’s airports, thanks to new, high-tech body scanners and good, old-fashioned hand-to-groin searches.  So, in an effort to circumvent the latest airport security screening procedures, the terrorist organization Al Qaeda has unveiled a new, low-tech weapon: Projectile farting.

“It works like this,” says the FBI’s second-most-wanted terrorist, Ayman Al-Zawahiri. “You swallow an exploding bullet, tip-first, and chase it with a cheesy beef burrito and medium Pepsi from Taco Bell. Two hours later, you’re on the plane. You drop your pants, aim at the cockpit door, and – blam! – you’re in.”

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA), the federal agency charged with protecting America’s public transportation systems and passengers, claims it has already taken steps to combat the new threat. TSA spokesperson Pat Downes said at a press conference this morning, “Effective January first, all air passengers must submit to a colonoscopy before boarding a commercial aircraft.”

He also said the food chains Taco Bell and Chipotle, both of which sell burritos, will no longer be allowed to “peddle their terrorist wares” within 15 miles of a U.S. airport.

While the Obama administration says the new measures are simply, “a necessary inconvenience,” not everyone agrees. Lawyers for the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) have filed suit against the federal government, claiming that the rules unfairly target Hispanics, working-class Americans, and white-collar workers who eat at Taco Bell but don’t like to admit it.

TSA officials are also dealing with another new threat: Eyeball bombers. While not yet as widespread as projectile farting, eyeball bombing is even more dangerous, as a glass eye packed with C4 explosive can rupture a jetliner’s fuel tank when detonated mid-flight.

In response, airport security screeners will soon be required to poke all travelers in the eyes before allowing them to board, including pilots.

TSA spokesperson Downes told reporters today, “It’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s just a quick, two-fingered jab, not some attempt to blind you. A couple minutes of watery eyes is worth the peace of mind knowing you’ll have a safe trip.”

ACLU lawyers are urging passengers to refuse the eye poke or prevent it by employing what they call a “stooge block,” which involves raising one’s hand to eye level and turning it until it is perpendicular to the face. When timed correctly, this motion has the effect of stopping the TSA agent’s fingers from making contact (see illustration below).

Protect yourself from unwanted eye poking with the "stooge block."

But travelers should be warned: Any passenger refusing the eye poke is subject to a severe beating with night sticks and a fine of up to $100,000.

Some may question if it air travel has become more trouble than it’s worth, given the nude scanners, crotch groping, anal intrusion, eye poking, beatings, and fines.

All these measures are needed, says Downes, as a reasonable and proportionate response to the thousands of terrorist bombers who attempt to board aircraft in the U.S. every day.

“If people give up air travel, then the terrorists have won,” he says. “Our goal is to preserve freedom.”

Editorial note: The Anvil apologizes for the particularly childish nature of today’s article. We promise a prompt return to the cultured, urbane material we usually present.

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