Don’t Ask Don’t Eat: Zombies in the Military

By Eric J Baker

Chewy D. Vour, who earned this medal for bravery in combat, was kicked out of the military for being a zombie.

WASHINGTON DC – Pressure is mounting for President Obama to follow through on his campaign promise to end the military’s Don’t Ask Don’t Eat policy, which permits the undead to join the armed services so long as they do not reveal themselves to be zombies. The President’s vow went largely unnoticed at the time he uttered it in 2008, as the zombie apocalypse had yet to begin.

But now that the walking dead represent one third of the world’s population and have integrated themselves into all facets of society, zombie advocacy groups are saying the President had better make good on his word… or else.

“We’re now the single largest voting block in the country,” says Brian Muncher, founder of Zombies Against Duplicitous Democrats (ZADD) and a zombie himself. “We can easily swing the midterm elections in whatever direction we choose. And right now, we’re looking for a more zombie-friendly political party.”

Over 250 zombies have been kicked out of the U.S. Armed Service in the past two months. Chewy D. Vour is one of them.

“One day, I’m laying a smackdown on the Taliban and the next day I’m on a flight back to Nebraska in my civvies,” he says. “I’m a soldier who doesn’t need water, doesn’t complain about the heat, and doesn’t mind sand in my shorts. But I guess they don’t need me.”

Vour scoffs at the notion that his fellow solders would suffer diminished morale if they discovered they were serving alongside a walking corpse. “Dude, I’m missing half my face, my intestines keep falling out, and my skin is a shriveled, desiccated husk. They knew I was a zombie.”

But if the undead hope to find a more zombie-friendly political party than the Democrats, they might need to look somewhere other than the GOP. The new crop of tea-party-endorsed Republican candidates has hardly set out the welcome mat for the human-flesh-eating voter. Last week, New York State gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino told supporters, “Children shouldn’t have their brains eaten by zombies,” then later apologized for the comment, saying he didn’t know zombies have difficulty penetrating human skulls and are forced to eat organ meat in most cases.

Fresh brains are thought to have restorative powers for the rotting.

On Friday, Nevada’s Republican Senate candidate Sharon Angle caused a stir when she asked a group of young zombies at a high school if they listen to the 1980’s pop group Fine Young Cannibals. Since then, the offended students have been selling t-shirts that read “Zombies Don’t Eat Zombies” in an effort to raise money for Angle’s Democratic counterpart and current Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

Delaware’s Republican Senate Candidate Christine O’Donnell briefly won a small undead following when a YouTube clip began circulating last month in which she admitted to “dabbling in flesh eating” in high school. Later, she was forced to run a television ad denying she was a zombie.

So where does this leave the zombies who currently serve in the military but are also living  secret, other lives? Ex-soldier Vour claims to have the answer.

“I’m going to run for president in 2011,” he says, having just founded a new political entity called the Zombie America Party (ZAP), which boasts a pro-zombie, anti-gun platform.

When reminded that the next presidential election isn’t until 2012, Vour says, “Dude, I’m kind of rotting over here. I’m in a hurry.”

Readers who wish to support the Vour For President campaign can donate money to his website via credit card, though he is also willing to accept a bucket of steaming, hot brains.