Transmissions from the alternate universe

Sarah Palin admits her “stupid act” has been a running hoax

Posted by oldancestor on September 19, 2010

She’s really the chairperson of Mensa and Harvard’s Dean of Political Science

By Eric J Baker


WASILLA, AK – Former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin admitted yesterday that her erratic, sometimes bizarre, and often idiotic public behavior during the past three years has been part of an elaborate hoax carried out for a faux documentary that’s being produced and directed by actor Matt Damon.

“I just can’t go on perpetrating this fraud anymore,” Palin told reporters outside her home in Wasilla, Alaska yesterday. “All the ‘you betcha’ comments. The winks. The painful lack of knowledge about world affairs and government process. All lies. I mean really, what kind of moron would name her kids ‘Trig’ and ‘Track’?”

What about the infamous Katie Couric interview during which she couldn’t name a single newspaper that she read?

“It was all staged by Matt Damon,” says Palin. “Of course, Katie was in on it. We sat down beforehand and asked ourselves, ‘What’s the most embarrassing question for a VP to struggle with?’”

Palin went on to explain that she finally opened up about the hoax after seeing the criticism faced by actor Casey Affleck earlier this week, when he admitted his documentary about fellow star Joaquin Phoenix’s alleged downward mental spiral was proved to be staged. That film, entitled I’m Still Here, may be released on DVD and Blu Ray next spring as a double feature with the Damon/Palin collaboration, which is to be called, How Freaking Completely Scary is it That People Take This Deranged Lunatic Seriously, to the Point that Some of Them Say They Would Actually Vote for Her in a Presidential Election?! Don’t They Want Someone Even Remotely Qualified and With at Least an Ounce of Intelligence to be the Most Powerful Person in the World, for Cryin’ Out Loud? May We Remind You This Person Has Access to Nuclear Weapons?   

When reached by phone at his home in Hollywood, California, Damon would not confirm that his film was a fake, but he did admit to experiencing problems with the production.

“Frankly, the name is too long,” he said. “I’m not sure what I can do about that, though. We already named it.”

Indeed, the title is long. So long that filmmaker Ray Dennis Steckler, who directed the 1964 film, The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies !!?, says he will sue Damon and Palin for financial damages resulting from the loss of his status as a trivia-book footnote.

“Not cool, man” he said in an interview that appeared on yesterday. “Not cool.”

Steckler isn’t the only public figure upset with Palin’s actions. Arizona Senator John McCain, who shared the GOP ticket with Palin in the 2008 presidential election, said through his spokesperson, Frieda Lay, that he never knew his former running mate wasn’t a half-wit.

“Ms. Palin has deliberately tried to damage Senator McCain’s heretofore unblemished credibility,” said Lay.

She also said that McCain would have loved to talk to reporters directly, but he was too busy selling out his ideals in an effort to pander to ultra-right-wing conservative voters.

So what’s next for Palin, now that she’s shedding her carefully cultivated public persona?

“What I really want to do is direct,” she said. There’s no official word on what her debut feature will be, but rumors are already circulating that she will helm the espionage thriller, I Can See Russia from My Porch.

Palin may be able to use her experiences as a stepping stone to Hollywood, but the little people in her employ may not be so fortunate.

Babyface Finster, a dwarf actor who has played the part of “Track” in Palin’s public appearances for the past three years, is philosophical about his change of fortune.

“Eh, it was a good gig while it lasted,” he says. “I suppose I could always go back to robbing banks.”





12 Responses to “Sarah Palin admits her “stupid act” has been a running hoax”

  1. Paula said

    OMG! OMG!! Catch me before I fall off my couch! No – don’t – When I fall, I want to be the only one who’s hurt. . .

    This goes down in your hall of fame for all time greats! I’m going to give you two links that I know you will love. One about the genius herself, by Dick Cavett, the other a similar story, but done by SNL and about another great intellect, Ronald Regan. Thanks so much for making my evening, and enjoy these:

    This one I couldn’t work out a way to send it by link, so here it is pasted on. Sorry about the length, but it’s Cavett at his best!

    Opinionator – A Gathering of Opinion From Around the Web
    November 14, 2008, 10:00 pm
    The Wild Wordsmith of Wasilla

    Electronic devices dislike me. There is never a day when something isn’t ailing. Three out of these five implements — answering machine, fax machine, printer, phone and electric can-opener — all dropped dead on me in the past few days.

    Now something has gone wrong with all three television sets. They will get only Sarah Palin.

    I can play a kind of Alaskan roulette. Any random channel clicked on by the remote brings up that eager face, with its continuing assaults on the English Lang.

    There she is with Larry and Matt and just about everyone else but Dr. Phil (so far). If she is not yet on “Judge Judy,” I suspect it can’t be for lack of trying.

    What have we done to deserve this, this media blitz that the astute Andrea Mitchell has labeled “The Victory Tour”?

    I suppose it will be recorded as among political history’s ironies that Palin was brought in to help John McCain. I can’t blame feminists who might draw amusement from the fact that a woman managed to both cripple the male she was supposed to help while gleaning an almost Elvis-sized following for herself. Mac loses, Sarah wins big-time was the gist of headlines.

    I feel a little sorry for John. He aimed low and missed.

    What will ambitious politicos learn from this? That frayed syntax, bungled grammar and run-on sentences that ramble on long after thought has given out completely are a candidate’s valuable traits?

    And how much more of all that lies in our future if God points her to those open-a-crack doors she refers to? The ones she resolves to splinter and bulldoze her way through upon glimpsing the opportunities, revealed from on high.

    What on earth are our underpaid teachers, laboring in the vineyards of education, supposed to tell students about the following sentence, committed by the serial syntax-killer from Wasilla High and gleaned by my colleague Maureen Dowd for preservation for those who ask, “How was it she talked?”

    My concern has been the atrocities there in Darfur and the relevance to me with that issue as we spoke about Africa and some of the countries there that were kind of the people succumbing to the dictators and the corruption of some collapsed governments on the continent, the relevance was Alaska’s investment in Darfur with some of our permanent fund dollars.

    And, she concluded, “never, ever did I talk about, well, gee, is it a country or a continent, I just don’t know about this issue.”

    It’s admittedly a rare gift to produce a paragraph in which whole clumps of words could be removed without noticeably affecting the sense, if any.

    (A cynic might wonder if Wasilla High School’s English and geography departments are draped in black.)

    (How many contradictory and lying answers about The Empress’s New Clothes have you collected? I’ve got, so far, only four. Your additional ones welcome.)

    Matt Lauer asked her about her daughter’s pregnancy and what went into the decision about how to handle it. Her “answer” did not contain the words “daughter,” “pregnancy,” “what to do about it” or, in fact, any two consecutive words related to Lauer’s query.

    I saw this as a brief clip, so I don’t know whether Lauer recovered sufficiently to follow up, or could only sit there, covered in disbelief. If it happens again, Matt, I bequeath you what I heard myself say once to an elusive guest who stiffed me that way: “Were you able to hear any part of my question?”

    At the risk of offending, well, you, for example, I worry about just what it is her hollering fans see in her that makes her the ideal choice to deal with the world’s problems: collapsed economies, global warming, hostile enemies and our current and far-flung twin battlefronts, either of which may prove to be the world’s second “30 Years’ War.”

    Has there been a poll to see if the Sarah-ites are numbered among that baffling 26 percent of our population who, despite everything, still maintain that President George has done a heckuva job?

    A woman in one of Palin’s crowds praised her for being “a mom like me … who thinks the way I do” and added, for ill measure, “That’s what I want in the White House.” Fine, but in what capacity?

    Do this lady’s like-minded folk wonder how, say, Jefferson, Lincoln, the Roosevelts, et al (add your own favorites) managed so well without being soccer moms? Without being whizzes in the kitchen, whipping up moose soufflés? Without executing and wounding wolves from the air and without promoting that sad, threadbare hoax — sexual abstinence — as the answer to the sizzling loins of the young?

    (In passing, has anyone observed that hunting animals with high-powered guns could only be defined as sport if both sides were equally armed?)

    I’d love to hear what you think has caused such an alarming number of our fellow Americans to fall into the Sarah Swoon.

    Could the willingness to crown one who seems to have no first language have anything to do with the oft-lamented fact that we seem to be alone among nations in having made the word “intellectual” an insult? (And yet…and yet…we did elect Obama. Surely not despite his brains.)

    Sorry about all of the foregoing, as if you didn’t get enough of the lady every day in every medium but smoke signals.

    I do not wish her ill. But I also don’t wish us ill. I hope she continues to find happiness in Alaska.

    May I confess that upon first seeing her, I liked her looks? With the sound off, she presents a not uncomely frontal appearance.

    But now, as the Brits say, “I’ll be glad to see the back of her.”


    PS: Lagniappe for English mavens: A friend of mine has made you laugh greatly over the years. David Lloyd is a comic genius (I can hear you wince, David) who wrote for “The Mary Tyler Moore Show,” “Cheers,” “Taxi,” “Frasier,” Jack Paar, Johnny Carson and me, not necessarily in that order. As a language fan, he has preserved many gems for posterity in his prodigious memory bank. Here comes my favorite:

    A Navy lecturer was talking about some directives on the blackboard that he said to do something about, “except for these here ones with the asteroids in back of.”

    Even David couldn’t make that up.

    • Thank you and thanks for the value-added content. That SNL skit was great (don’t you miss Phil Hartman?) and Dick Cavett’s low-key observations are always welcome.

      I’m glad you liked this article. Honestly, I’ve been running around like a madman lately and only had about 45 minutes to crank it out. No second drafts, and, obviously, no time for an illustration. I guess it tuned out ok anyway.

      • Paula said

        I SO miss Phil Hartman – he was such an extraordinarily gifted guy! I saw that skit live, and I remember falling (really) off my chair when he spoke “Farsi” on the phone by quoting Pee Wee Herman: Mekka-lekka Hi, mekka chani hay! It still gets me, every time – and Dana Carvey’s Jimmy Stewart is always great. Have you ever heard his conversation between Katharine Hepburn and Jimmy Stewart? I’ll see if I can find it, and send it on.

        Anyway, owing to the speed it took for you to post this one, maybe it’s sign you shouldn’t work so hard on them, or rush them all – whichever works best. But,I did miss your illustration. . .did you ever check out some of Roz Chast’s stuff?

        Well, to quote Ronald Reagan: “BACK TO WORK!”

        • No, I keep forgetting (Roz Chast). Lately I feel like I’m being pulled in too many directions. I’ll do my best to post a pic next time. Some stories lend themselves to illustration ideas more than others.

  2. Tracy said

    Thank you!!

  3. tsuchigari said

    I have this sudden bizarre desire to watch Stanley Kubrick’s “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb”…

    Great work as usual, miss the illustration but the content more than makes up for it.

    • Ha. I was actually trying to work that film into the Ray Dennis Steckler gag, but it ended up being too much a tangent. Great film anyway, so nothing bizarre about wanting to watch that. Speaking of Kubrick, I recommend seeing one of his earliest films, “Paths of Glory” (a few years before Dr Strangelove). If you haven’t seen it, try to seek it out. It’s a powerful and disturbing anti-war film. I’d underline disturbing if wordpress let me.

      Thanks for the compliment. It helps with inspiration when you know people appreciate it, as I’m sure you’re quite aware.

  4. jeanie said

    Any chance on getting a post-post illustration?
    I would love to see your artistic interpretation of Palin.

  5. The Hook said

    Say it isn’t so!

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