THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

WikiLeaks to release internet sex tape featuring President Obama, General McChrystal, and – surprise – Dick Cheney!

Posted by oldancestor on August 20, 2010

This is the only image we can show you from the tape, due to its racy content

By Eric J Baker

VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA – International whistleblowing organization WikiLeaks, which recently made headlines by posting top-secret Pentagon papers relating to the war in Afghanistan on its website, is set to raise the stakes again in its often contentious relationship with the US Government by releasing a controversial sex tape to the public.

WikiLeaks founder Helmut Kaiser (who declined to be interviewed for this story) claimed on his organization’s Web site yesterday that the tape, purportedly featuring President Obama, retired General Stanley McChrystal, and former Vice President Dick Cheney in an illicit encounter, will prove that, “the new boss is the same as the old boss.”

The Anvil was able to obtain a copy of the tape, which, upon being viewed, revealed itself to be shaky, grainy, and not the least bit hot. Following one sequence at approximately the 12-minute mark, viewers may be reminded of Dick Cheney’s hunting accident in 2006, when the Vice President fired his weapon into the face of attorney Harry Whittington.

Poor photography aside, the tape raises surprising questions about political relationships, behind-the-scenes war planning, and Brazilian waxing for men.

“I thought Obama was a socialist, despite actions that are a virtually the same as those of George W Bush,” said popular Fox News television personality and conservative Sean Hannity. “This Dick Cheney connection has made me rethink my belief system. Because, you know, I’m a thinker.”

Rival news pundit Rachel Maddow of MSNBC said of the tape’s existence, “Ew.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denied last night that it was President Obama on the tape, claiming instead “it’s that guy from the ‘Whoomp, there it is’ video.”

A WikiLeaks employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the uncensored sex tape will be posted online by tomorrow night. The worker also said viewers should watch to the end, despite the stomach-churning images, when it is revealed that General McChrystal was asked to step down as Commander of US and NATO forces in Afghanistan not for publicly criticizing the Obama administration, as was reported, but because he’s “nothin’ but a playa.”

This, according to the words of Dick Cheney, says the anonymous employee.

WikiLeaks, founded in 2006, professes to stand for public access to information, journalistic integrity, freedom of speech, and the joy of pissing people off. The Anvil has frequently been cited by the organization as the benchmark in fair, unbiased, and open fake news, particularly for our hard-hitting coverage of the Lindsay Lohan saga.

As Wiki’s main man himself, Helmut Kaiser, famously said in 2008, “Everything they say is completely fabricated, but, if it weren’t, it would be the place to go for truth and accuracy in reporting. The Anvil never makes the story about them, like some news journals do, and they don’t allow praise or favoritism to influence their total integrity.”

You should send money to Helmut Kaiser.

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6 Responses to “WikiLeaks to release internet sex tape featuring President Obama, General McChrystal, and – surprise – Dick Cheney!”

  1. Paula said

    The only thing unforgivable about it is that it ain’t hot. . .

  2. Paula said

    In reference to an earlier blog from “My Literary Quest,” about “query” vs. “inquiry,” read the following (if and when there’s time!): http://reflectionsfromacloudymirror.blogspot.com/2010/08/how-do-you-pronounce-english-words-and.html

    • There’s always time for word nerding.

      What about the ‘query’ rhymes with ‘weary’ vs. ‘query’ rhymes with ‘very’ debate?

      All I know is, querying is very wearying for this wanna-be writer.

  3. Paula said

    This is my law, and unless you receive special dispensation from me, you must always rhyme query with very. A query is often interesting. In inquiry just makes me weary…

    Applications to mispronounce query may be sent to me at: subjecttointenseinquirysorunforyourlife@nononsense.com

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