THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Wicked Witch supports Christians’ ‘right’ to build a church in Salem

Posted by oldancestor on August 17, 2010

How long can the uneasy truce between Christians and Witches last?

SALEM, MASS – With all the controversy surrounding the proposed “Burnt Stake Church” that is to be built on the site of the infamous Salem Witch Trial executions of the 17th century, beleaguered Christians are finding support from a surprising source: The Wicked Witch of the East.

The Wicked Witch shocked Wiccans across the country Monday when she told CNN’s Larry King, “Christians have a right to worship there. Look, a bunch of witches were burned 400 years ago by some extremists who had more political than religious motivation for doing so. Those actions don’t represent the views of today’s moderate Christians.”

We caught up with the Wicked Witch of the East today and asked her to shed some smoke on her controversial comments [this interview was conducted by crystal ball]:

The Anvil: Can you explain your comments from last night’s Larry King Live broadcast? A lot of Wiccans are angry with you today.

WWOTE: There’s a big shift toward conservatism in witchery these days, unfortunately. I think it’s a reaction to the Blair Witch Project and Charmed. Some witches want to get back to putting curses on firstborns and cooking children. But times have changed. Wiccans and Christians have been tolerating each other for years. Move on, people.

The Anvil: But you, yourself, as recently as 100 years ago, were demanding dwarf sacrifices and calling for, I quote, “the powers of wind and fire to roast the city of Salem, including its people, and its little dogs, too, after which the greatest Wiccan temple will be constructed upon the scorched bones of the dead.”

WWOTE: I said that? I guess I’ve mellowed over the years. Once, some chick’s house landed on me – just fell right out of the friggin’ sky – and almost crushed me. I kid you not. A near-death experience like that changes your perspective.

The Anvil: What does your sister, The Wicked Witch of the West, say about all this controversy?

WWOTE: Well I’m not a surveillance camera, so how should I know?

The Anvil: You don’t keep in contact with her?

WWOTE: She’s in a perpetual state of war against Oz. Her castle’s economy hinges on it. But everybody knows you can’t conquer OZ. You can occupy it for a little while, but you’ll never conquer it. Of course, all they have to do is throw water on us and we’re pretty much done.

The Anvil: She harbors no ill will toward Christians?

WWOTE: She doesn’t give a crap. She’s been trying to capture the Wizard for years. Supposedly he’s hiding out in the mountains behind Oz, but who can say? So why are you so obsessed with Christians? Is this a religious Web site?

The Anvil: This is a secular news journal

WWOTE: Secular? What’s that? Vampires?

 The Anvil: Have you heard what Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, thinks of the Salem church controversy? She’s good, but can she be so good as to not be angry that witches were burned at the stake? It could have been her.

WWOTE: Glinda? She’s a c***.

The Anvil: Ouch. You are a witch.

WWOTE: You had doubts?

The Anvil: I have to admit, you haven’t done anything too magical since we’ve been talking.

WWOTE: How about now?

The Anvil: Ribbit. Ribbet… Ribbit.

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9 Responses to “Wicked Witch supports Christians’ ‘right’ to build a church in Salem”

  1. Yes, I know the victims of the Salem witch trials were hanged. Burning at the stake just seemed funnier to me.

    Because, you know, burning someone at the stake is a riot.

  2. Paula said

    Ditto on the burning bit. . .which reminds me of Dorothy Parker – how’s that for a segué? It doesn’t really follow, but that’s how my mind works – one sort of death leads to another! Her poem, “Resumé”:

    Razors pain you;
    Rivers are damp;
    Acids stain you;
    And drugs cause cramp.
    Guns aren’t lawful;
    Nooses give;
    Gas smells awful;
    You might as well live.

    The Onion, being one of my favorite mags, had a headline following (a few weeks later) 9/11: “Quadragon unharmed in attack,” Pentagon officials insist.

    Of course that has nothing to do with your post, either, but my brain just checked out for a stroll through memory land. . .

    • You’re forgiven if reading fake news makes you think of The Onion. It’s a natural progression of thought.

      Thanks once again for the poetry. It’s bonus entertainment for anyone who bothers to read the comments.

  3. Toemailer said

    lol. Always someone trying to trash the party, geeze…

  4. Toemailer said

    Yea, it’s real. Fun, creativity,people seem to really like it. Why not send us a photo?

  5. jeanie said

    Oddly enough,

    I have lots of “foot photos” from various vacations. I shall send them to your Toemailer friend.

    How did this post attract his/her interest? I see no feet/toe references in your blog

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