Transmissions from the alternate universe

Earthquakes caused by angels’ incompetent bowling

Posted by oldancestor on August 15, 2010

“I thought they were supposed to watch over us!”

– Quake survivor


By Eric J Baker

The Pentagon's new AngelKiller 7000 attack helicopter. "We'll do what we must," says General Petraeus.

DETROIT, MI – Until 1970, scientists believed thunder was the sound of shock waves caused by the rapid expansion of superheated air following a lightning strike. That’s when Detroit University Online geophysicist Cracky McShake put forth the controversial theory that thunder was actually the sound of angels bowling. He was later proven right and went on to win the Nobel Prize for Science.

Now, 40 years later, Professor McShake is making headlines again. In this month’s issue of Seismology Today, the septuagenarian is claiming that earthquakes are caused by those same angels throwing gutter balls. 

“It’s simple,” says McShake. “Clouds are the lanes, those balls weigh fifty thousand tons each, and we’re the gutter. Not to sound overly technical, but when that ball impacts the planet’s surface, everything gets all vibratey and fally, and people run around going ‘AHHHHHH!!!’ Otherwise known as an earthquake.”

Though Dr. McShake’s theory prevails throughout much of the scientific world, not everyone agrees.

“Can anyone explain to me the absence of ball fragments?” asks geologist Gyro Spanakopita of Athens University in Greece. Spanakopita has visited the site of several recent quakes and has yet to find such fragments or, perhaps even more telling, evidence of impact craters.

Dr. McShake responded by saying, “We can’t think of angel balls as actual balls. They’re metaphysical balls. When you’re dealing with science, you just have to have faith.”

Televangelist Pat Robertson was quick to seize the Professor’s findings and put his own spin on them.

“Have you noticed that earthquakes usually strike in places where incorrect religions are practiced?” Robertson asked viewers of his show, The 700 Club, last night. “Where the professor and I differ is that I believe the angels are throwing those balls on purpose and saying, ‘F**k you, you heathen scum.’”

He later added, “Now let us pray.”

While McShake doesn’t openly dispute Robertson’s words, he did distance himself from the notion of wrathful judgment.

“I think what we need to do is find out why angels are so goddamned bad at bowling,” he said.

A small number of scientists, mostly weirdoes from community colleges and science-fiction films, have suggested the Earth goes through geologic cycles on a scale too broad for laymen to comprehend, hence the appearance of a looming Armageddon every time seismic activity spikes. They also point out that human population has more than doubled in the past century. As a result, a heavier concentration of people living along fault lines engenders a higher risk of structural damage and casualties when a quake does strike.

Those scientists are most likely misinformed idiots worshiping at the false idol of reason, say Internet posters.

McShake believes the best way humans can protect themselves is if all the world’s children write messages of peace to the angels (requesting that they, perhaps, take up billiards instead), attach them to helium balloons, and release them.

“But make sure you’re polite,” he warns kids, “or you might not wake up the next morning.”

Satan, former overlord of Hell but now unemployed, was quoted as telling mankind, “With friends like these, who needs me?”



9 Responses to “Earthquakes caused by angels’ incompetent bowling”

  1. Paula said

    Wow! I really needed that laugh! (Or should I say sobering thought and mindful reflection?) You now have the dubious honor of being added to my blogroll! If all my numerous followers follow suit, then you might add one or two people to your subscribers! Gee!

    You will be spared from too many of my long-winded comments for a while, as other forces have conspired to keep my keyboard time to a minimum. See my post from 8/15/10 for clarification. Thanks again for your wit and wisdom!

  2. Thanks for the honor of blogrolling me! I’m glad you got a laugh from this one. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I went off the dead end with the silliness this time. I may have, but it didn’t stop you from enjoying it, so that all that matters.

  3. Paula said

    Don’t know Morse code…will Braille do?

    • Is that what those little bumps on my laptop screen are for? Son of a gun!

      • Paula said

        You’ve got BUMPS on your keyboard??? Wow! I was going to try and see if the dots would just appear on your screen if I asked it nicely!

        • Wait. False alarm.

          They’re just hardened drops of pancake syrup.

          I shouldn’t post and eat at the same time.

          • Paula said

            Probably a good idea not to eat and key in at the same time. However, I have noticed that drinking hot coffee (or tea) while typing can be very beneficial when spilled on it. It can really wake that old keyboard up! You know it’s ready to go when you see that it gets so fired up it starts smoking! Nothing like caffeine, smoke and melting plastic to get anybody going – and not just the keyboard (and I don’t mean going out to the trash either!)

            My keyboard and I do not get along very well – I wrote an Ode “The Keyboard’s Lament,” to try and placate it, and for the last several days, it is becoming even more ornery and less helpful! Here goes:

            The Keyboard’s Lament
            © Paula Tohline Calhoun 2010

            My keyboard, “Blackie,” sits before me, waiting for my hands

            To busily type in my thoughts as they ripen and answer the demands

            Of an empty screen, and blinking cursor.

            His impatience only makes it worse, or

            Scrambles my mental connection.

            But I will not give up, nor let him disrupt

            My dream-world of blogging perfection.

            Therefore the letters and numbers before me,

            In paradigmatic array

            Shall stand mutely by until I descry

            the brilliance my blog will display.

            I mutter to this contraption, (in an effort to delay, he thinks,

            the inevitable page of drivel he’s certain I’ll write today),

            “Oh Blackie! You wireless wizard of letters, kindly explain to me

            Exactly what it is you do, and how you came to be!”

            “My origin’s no mystery,” he haughtily replies

            “Type in ‘keyboard history,’ in the space your browser supplies!

            You’ll find that I can lead you to such fascinating trivia

            as, ‘what’s the time in Kathmandu?,or the capital of Bolivia?’

            But why do you always stop to consider such things at times like these?

            Is it because you want me to improve your poor capabilities?

            There’s really nothing I can do to change the situation –

            All of your endless typos, which cause such aggravation –

            So instead of the keys, the A-B-Cs, you so frequently abuse

            As well as most of all the rest, the M-N-O-P-Qs –

            My suggestion is cease your writing, and humbly call ‘Retreat!’

            The only keys you really need are: Escape, and Ctrl/Alt/Delete!”

            Think I’ll escape my way outta here for now – later my Oldancesto friend.

            • Bravo.

              You are without peer in blog poetry.

              Thanks for including my favorite word, drivel, in your verse.

              Click on her link, peeps. There are more great poems to be found.

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