THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Federal Judge rules that ALL weddings are gay

Posted by oldancestor on August 10, 2010

Then what does the finger in the ring mean? Yikes!

 

By Eric J Baker

"Gay dinosaurs never got married, so why should gay humans?" argue anti-gay-marriage activists

  WASHINGTON DC – A federal judge ruled yesterday that all weddings in America are “kinda gay,” instantly throwing the gay-marriage debate into disarray.

Integrated circuit judge Johnny Dangerous said in his ruling that “frilly dresses, foofy tuxedo chest things, flowers, and DJs playing Celebration by Kool and the Gang are all kinda gay, if you think about it. Gay in the way you call fruity things ‘gay’ when you’re in high school.”

Judge Dangerous also said he made his decision based not on legal precedent but on a book he read that was published in 1902 entitled How to have a Gay Wedding.

“It pretty much seemed like normal wedding stuff in there,” the judge said. “I couldn’t tell the difference. So, as far as I’m concerned, there is no difference. End of debate. Next.”

Not so fast, typed a reporter who lacks the creativity to avoid clichéd segues. Conservative groups are angry and vowing to fight back.

“No activist judge is going to tell me that me and my wife are gay!” said Chester Tool, 58, of Twister Magnet, Oklahoma and founder of Americans Against Homo Sapiens.

The group said it will urge the government to amend the Constitution so that judges can’t rule against their point of view anymore.

“We want to stop them from messin’ with the Constitution,” says Tool. “We hope to get rid of the judicial system all together. It’s un-American.”

Meanwhile, the ruling was lauded by gay-marriage proponents, college students, and atheists.

“It’s a sign that times are changing,” says racially and sexually ambiguous Seton Hall University junior, Terrence Hip, who sometimes poses for display posters in shopping mall clothing stores. “Everyone said Duran Duran’s music was gay back in the 1980s, but now look how cool they are.”

When asked why she supported the ruling, atheist Patchouli Johnson said, “I don’t know. Because it’s fun to piss people off?”

Even more elated are the millions and millions of Americans who want to marry their pets and will now be able to, thanks to the precedent set by yesterday’s judicial decision.

Unfortunately, none could be located for comment.

To get a response to the non-response, The Anvil repeatedly attempted to contact the conservative watchdog group, America Safe. Just before this article went to press, an unidentified man from the organization called our offices and said, “Dude, we are a watch dog group. Not a ‘watchdog’ group. We advocate for the ownership and pet care of watch dogs. You know, Rottweilers, German Shepherds, Dobermans. We don’t care about any of the stuff you’re talking about.”

He went on to say, “Don’t make me get another restraining order.”

Stay tuned to The Anvil for more on this breaking story as it develops!

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