THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Satan ousted as CEO of Hell

Posted by oldancestor on August 8, 2010

Is Wall Street interested?

By Eric J Baker

 

Satan, being escorted from his office by security demons shortly after learning of his termination this morning

THE UNDERWORLD – In a move many economists and theologians are calling long overdue, the board of directors for Hell announced today that Satan is being replaced as CEO. The once-profitable corporation has seen its stock value tumble in recent years, and a series of questionable business decisions has left many investors wary, leading to the devil’s ouster.

Pazuzu, chairman of Hell’s board of directors, told reporters this morning, “We thank Satan for his millennia of service and wish him well in his future endeavors.”

Satan, the only CEO Hell has ever had, leaves behind a rich history of corrupting the human race and propagating evil. But he also faces criticism for being too slow to respond to changes in market trends and society in general.

“Where’s the ‘net presence?” asks economist Regan MacNeil. “How about Twitter? Facebook? Other than a few 1980s heavy metal bands and the High School Musical movies, Hell hasn’t been doing a very good job of getting its message out.”

Others point to devalued holdings and costly expenditures as the key culprits behind the organization’s woes.

Says Princeton University business analyst Herbert West, “Satan collected way too many souls. They’re like junk bonds now. All those people were going to Hell anyway, so he was just buying his own stock, in a sense.”

West also says the purchase of several black holes at the center of the Milky Way galaxy was a gross misuse of funds.

“In theory, if you’re a destroyer of worlds, what better to way do that than with a black hole? In practice, though, no one cares about black holes. The nearest one is a gajillion miles away.”

Some of Hell’s staffers aren’t disappointed to see Satan go.

“It was always ‘Jesus this’ and ‘Jesus that’ with him,” says Footumpsh, a demon who throws the damned into a lake of fire for a living. “Frankly, I don’t believe in all that religious stuff. I’m an atheist and don’t want god shoved down my throat all day.”

So far, Hell has been able to avoid the layoffs that plagued so many other companies during the recent recession, and because of its unique status as the sole provider of eternal damnation, it can’t go out of business. Still, some will face an uncertain future without Satan at the helm.

Brother Sean, an Irish monk, worries about the fate of his archrival, the friar. “Everyone knows friars live next to Satan’s arse-hole,” he says. “So will they go with Satan or have to find a new arse?”

Hell has yet to hint at a candidate to replace the outgoing devil, though many experts believe it will be either Dick Cheney or the comedian Carrot Top. If the rumors are true, it would be the first time a human or a human-vegetable hybrid has held a position of authority in the underworld.

“I think going with a human is a forward-thinking choice,” says MacNeil. “Who better to understand what tempts a human than a human?”

Using the parlance of Hell, can the board of directors afford to let the CEO seat go vacant until Cheney’s or Carrot Top’s current earthly “engagement” ends?

“Not a problem,” Footumpsh says. “Two things you need to know about Hell. One, we’re very patient down here. Two, there’s always room for one more.”

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5 Responses to “Satan ousted as CEO of Hell”

  1. You should exorcize your right to leave a comment.

    Get it? Exorcize? Demons?

    All right, maybe there’s a reason I left that gag out of the story.

  2. josh1340 said

    I thought that this was a very witty article. Good job. It read much like an honest to goodness news report, which made it even funnier.
    -Josh

  3. Paula said

    Once again, OMG oldancestor! This is a gem! BTW, you failed to mention “The Twilight Series” along with “High School Musical.” I am reminded, of course, of one of the great New Yor ker cartoons. It pictures a few obviously affluent society matrons and gentlemen standing around hell amidst the flames, while holding martinis in their hands. The caption: “Yes, but it’s a dry heat.” Keep up the great work. Ever thought of trying to get a job writing for “The Onion?”

    • Thanks for the compliments. I try to avoid making fun of books, since I’m agent hunting for my novel and don’t want to insult anyone’s client! It sounds implausible, but a few agents have read my blog (but, sadly, not my novel).

      I’d love to write for The Onion, but they don’t accept unsolicited material.

      Hey, Onion. Call me.

      1-800-555-SEXY

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