Transmissions from the alternate universe

BP, in an effort to appear more likeable, changes its name to Tom Hanks

Posted by oldancestor on July 29, 2010

By Eric J Baker


Little-known fact: BP actually stands for “Bionic Pencil”

LONDON – Incoming BP CEO Mel Gibson, who is set to replace the beleaguered Tony Hayward in a few months, announced today that the company was changing its name to Tom Hanks.

“Everyone loves Tom Hanks,” Gibson told reporters. “Everyone trusts Tom Hanks. That’s the image we are trying to cultivate. Love and trust. And oil. But not the leaky kind. Yuck.”

While it’s not uncommon for sports arenas to take corporate names in exchange for money, this is believed to be the first time a company has purchased the identity of a celebrity. Some are calling it a bold move by BP’s new leadership group.

“Gibson is trying to let people know he’s the new sheriff in town,” said business analyst Pinky Middleton of Detroit University Online. “In essence, he is the de facto leader.”

Middleton also said, “I’ve been dying for a reason to say that word. De Facto. Deeee Faaaactooooo. Cool. Do you need any more quotes? I’ve got lots of material.”

It may take more than a name change to reverse the British energy giant’s fortunes.  Public sentiment against the corporation is still high, despite its pretty green-and-yellow logo. Readers might  recall that BP was behind the worldwide Vaseline shortage last year, and it was recently discovered that the company has been poking holes in the Earth and making it bleed black blood.

Current CEO Hayward did no favors for his or the company’s image last week when, in full view of TV news cameras, he urinated from the deck of his yacht into Gulf waters off the coast of Florida.

Footage taken of the incident captured Hayward shouting, “Piss off, you bloody stupid Americans. And, for the record, it’s ‘tomahto.’ Wankers.”

That was enough for one American citizen to take action.

“We’re going to run him out of town,” says Chester Tool of Twister Magnet, Oklahoma, who has founded the activist group, Redcoats United, with the expressed aim of deporting undocumented British laborers. “We beat them in the Civil War and in World War II, and we’ll beat them again.”

When informed that the term ‘redcoat’ refers to British soldiers who fought against colonial forces in the American Revolution, Tool declined to respond, though his wife, Madge, said, “Where’s my cigarettes? The unfiltered ones.”

Gibson responded to the concerns of the anti-British-immigration faction by telling reporters, “Look. I hate the British too. You don’t see me renaming this company ‘Sir John Gielgud’ or ‘Afternoon Tea’ do you?”

In response to questions about BP’s unexpected move, a spokesman for the actor Tom Hanks said, “WILSON!” Those who had been expecting a quote from Forrest Gump were surprised by Hanks’ fictional response.

In a related story, actor Mel Gibson (no relation to the new BP CEO) announced he was changing his name to BP.

“I’m trying as hard as I can to be hated, and this ought to put me over the top,” he said this morning from the Los Angeles set of his new movie, A-Hole, in which he is playing a formerly beloved actor now prone to drunken, racist rants and domestic violence. According to sources inside the troubled production, the script is undergoing daily rewrites.

One Response to “BP, in an effort to appear more likeable, changes its name to Tom Hanks”

  1. First!

    Oh, wait…

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