Zombie Wins Republican Primary!
Posted by oldancestor on July 16, 2010
Wholesale Orders of Human Flesh Skyrocket
By Eric J Baker
SACRAMENTO – In a shocking turn that has stunned the political world, undead GOP Senate candidate Bub Howard has seemingly come from nowhere to defeat Carly Fiorina in California’s Republican primary runoff election. Howard will now face Democrat Barbara Boxer in November’s midterms, leaving Fiorina to sit at home and count the millions she earned turning Hewlett Packard into a crappy company.
If Americans ever needed proof that zombies have become a potent political force, here it is: Howard was polling tenth out of ten GOP candidates only 4 months ago. But that was before the Zombie Apocalypse began. Howard died of zombiosis (zombie-bite poisoning) in late April and suddenly, just days after he returned from the grave to devour the flesh of the living, most polls showed him in fifth place.
“One out of four Americans is now undead. It’s time we had a voice in Washington!” Howard told groaning supporters at his headquarters in the Los Angeles County Morgue. “They can shoot us in the head. They can burn us. But they can’t take away our appetite… for victory in November!”
Even as of yesterday morning, though, his win hardly seemed assured. In fact, most believed Fiorina had won the original primary last month and would campaign against the incumbent, Boxer, in the fall. But Howard made a late surge, and, when all the votes were counted, the election was deemed “too close to call,” necessitating yesterday’s runoff.
Some political experts believe Howard benefited from a combination of factors.
“You have to realize there are more and more zombies every day,” says Lucy O. Fulci, the head of UCLA’s Political Science department. “One thing we’ve noticed is that zombies vote zombie, almost exclusively. This is why President Obama’s poll numbers are dropping. Many of his most ardent supporters in 2008 are zombies now. It would be politically expedient of him to become undead.”
A second factor in Howard’s rise is a revitalized ad campaign. His initial slogan, “Brainsssss!” failed to catch on, as many felt it simply pandered to his base. To tap into voter discontent with Washington establishment, Howard changed the phrase to, “We’re coming to get you, Barbara!” and his popularity took off.
Senator Boxer’s campaign must have anticipated a possible victory for the undead Republican: They’ve already issued a new slogan today, which reads, “There’s something rotting in Denmark. And it’s Bub Howard!”
Despite their supposed unity as a voting block, some zombies are throwing their support behind Boxer.
“I can’t believe [Howard] is running as a Republican,” says Morty Rigor, a former electrician and now walking corpse who spends his days feasting on the supple flesh of the living. “The Republicans are the ones who wanted us shot on sight. They’re the ones who won’t let us get married. The liberals fought for our right to vote, for crying out loud!”
A staffer from Howard’s campaign, and also a zombie, responded to these allegations by telephone this morning.
“Taxes. It’s that simple,” said the staffer. “Zombies don’t have to pay taxes, because we’re dead, and Bub Howard doesn’t think anyone should have to. Plus, there’s that death tax, and we really don’t like it. Why should we lose all that money just because we’ve become hideous, murdering, cannibalistic, hell-spawned abominations?”
What remains to be seen is how long zombies can stay a powerful presence in American politics. The Apocalypse is only a few months old, and early zombies are already starting to show signs of desiccation and advanced decomposition. Scientists believe the flesh-eating behavior only slows the rotting but does not stop it. Will there be enough walking dead left by November to give Boxer’s Senate seat to Howard?
“There’s no need to be concerned” says Dr. Fulci. “Zombies and humans will learn to live in harmony, and we are about to enter the utopian future we’ve always dreamed about.”
She went on to say, “I’m kidding. This is the Apocalypse. Two years from now, mankind will be wiped out, the zombies will have decayed, and all humanity’s great accomplishments will be lost to the sands of time, as if none of it had ever happened.”
[The Anvil wishes to apologize to our readers. That was the most depressing ending ever written for a fake news article. We promise our next article will conclude with someone getting hit in the groin by a little kid swinging a bat at a piñata and missing. – Ed]