Transmissions from the alternate universe

High fuel costs force Japan to scrap Mecha-Godzilla

Posted by oldancestor on July 13, 2010

Estimated annual fuel cost: A gajillion yen!


By Eric J Baker


TOKYO – Japan’s once-vaunted Mecha-Godzilla robot, which was supposed to be mankind’s answer to the relentless giant-monster attacks that have plagued East Asia since the 1950s, has been mothballed, perhaps permanently. Japan’s Defense Ministry cites the high cost of fuel and the recent global recession as the primary reasons for terminating the program.

“It’s a sad day for the proud nation of Japan,” said Mecha-G Force director Akira Takasaki at a press conference in Tokyo yesterday. “Mecha-Godzilla runs on gasoline, as you all know, and it’s become cost-prohibitive to fill his tank. You can fly a 747 from here to New York with less fuel than is consumed in an hour of Mecha-G operation.”

Indeed, that fact is bittersweet vindication for Takasaki, who was heavily criticized at the time of the robot’s construction in the early 1990s for designing it to be the same size as Godzilla.

“Why don’t they just make it twice as big and kill Godzilla in five seconds?” asked then US Vice-President Dan Quayle at the time. It turns out, though, the scaled-down version was able to stay running far longer than the proposed “Double Mecha-G” would have, given gas prices in recent years.

Now, at last, the bad economy has caught up to the gleaming silver warrior and sent it to the unemployment line like so many millions of us humans.

But how effective has the program really been? The giant robot helped Japan’s elite G-Spotter Team repel Godzilla on numerous occasions, but the massive gray-green mutant tyrannosaur has not been killed, as was promised by the Japanese government when attempting to justify the high cost of the project.

Even today, Godzilla remains defiant, saying this morning via Twitter, “AAAAAAARRRRRRRUUUUH!”

Citizens all across Japan are outraged over news of the robot’s forced retirement.

“So they raise my taxes to pay for this thing and then tell me they can’t afford to fuel it?” asks Pinky Fukuda, a truck driver from Hokkaido. “How expensive will it be to repair Tokyo next time Godzilla destroys it? Who’s going to pay for that?”

11-year-old Kenji Sahara of Okinawa echoes Fukuda’s words, telling the Anvil, “Super-Excellent Robot attacks are listed! Go Go Goji! Collect them all and friends shout Ya!”

On this side of the Pacific, some politicians and pundits are calling for sanctions against Japan.

“What if Fidel Castro bought this thing on the black market?” asked Fox News television host Glenn Beck during last night’s broadcast. “I’m sorry folks, but you can say goodbye to Florida.”

Beck’s ghost writer is said to already be working on a novel about liberals building a giant gay robot that attacks an all-white elementary school putting on a play about Moses and the Ten Commandments.  

So what will become of the 250-foot-tall Mecha-Godzilla, which cost an estimated 75 billion dollars to design and construct?

Perverts are urging the government to melt it down and use the technology and parts to build commercially available humanlike androids that resemble Japanese schoolgirls in skirts and white panties.

“Japan has always been at the forefront of robotics,” says a pervert who declined to give his name. “I suggest this idea not for my own enjoyment but for the economic benefit.”

Experts say there’s only a one- to two-percent chance such androids will retain memory of Mecha-Godzilla’s original command to attack and destroy things its own size, which, in that unlikely event, would be humans.

A one- to two-percent chance.


4 Responses to “High fuel costs force Japan to scrap Mecha-Godzilla”

  1. art vandolay said

    Has Japan considered installing a Prius style hybrid motor in the Mecha-Godzilla? It would help tremendously on the milage ( 49 mpg highway )

    On a side note:
    “melt it down and use the technology and parts to build commercially available humanlike androids that resemble Japanese schoolgirls in skirts and white panties.”

    hubba hubba … where can I get me one of those?

  2. jeanie said

    Again with the Godzilla material.
    Good thing I had a brother who was totally obsessed with Godzilla and forced me to watch all the movies in my younger years or I wouldn’t have got this fake news story at all.

    Ps- Art V.- you are a pig

    • Well, when you work a long day then come home to a bunch of noisey dogs and barking kids, you want to write a fake news story that doesn’t require a lot of research.

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