Transmissions from the alternate universe

Lindsay Lohan has finally bitten off more than she can chew

Posted by oldancestor on July 11, 2010

Will Megan Fox win an Oscar because of it?


By Lacy Thundercake

Lohan in a scene from her latest film, "Konga: 2010." Critics are buzzing, but will Academy voters remember her performance next year?

 LOS ANGELES – Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan nearly choked to death at a trendy Los Angeles restaurant Saturday night after she attempted to swallow an oversized meatball, say witnesses. She was inadvertently saved by troubled actor Mel Gibson.

Lohan, notorious for shoving too much food in her mouth at once, was said to have ordered a menu item called “Death by Meatball” at MegaPasta, a popular eatery on Santa Monica Boulevard. According to sources at the scene, Lohan’s friends warned her not to attempt downing the spicy, round delicacy in one try, but the actress laughed them off and did it anyway. Seconds later, her face was turning purple.

A drunken Gibson, who happened to be dining there at the same time, allegedly mistook Lohan for his ex-girlfriend Oksana and began accosting her.

A waitress at the restaurant told the Anvil that Gibson shouted, “You ugly, purple-faced skank. I hope you get dry-humped by a gaggle of rabid kangaroos.” Allegedly, he then slammed Lohan against the wall, and the force of the impact dislodged the object from her throat.

Paramedics arrived a short time later and treated the 24-year-old actress at the scene. Gibson, a follower of noted first-century pacifist Jesus Christ, asked EMS workers if they were Jewish and, without waiting for an answer, began uttering anti-Semitic comments. He was quickly removed from the building by restaurant security.

“Patrons should know you can’t chew one of our meatballs whole,” said the restaurant’s manager, Luigi Cozzi. “It’s almost the size of my fist.”

Lohan was reportedly out celebrating because she learned she’d been cast to play Britney Spears in an upcoming biopic about the pop singer.

“Britney is such a screw up,” Lohan told The Hollywood Reporter just hours before the choking incident. “It’s sad what she’s done to her career. I hope this movie shames her into getting help.”

The busy star is also playing Paris Hilton in another biopic that starts shooting in the fall. That film, tentatively titled Famous for No Freaking Reason Whatsoever, is expected to be released next summer. Lohan, a method actress, has gone so far as to arrange a jail stint for herself later this month so she can fully understand Hilton’s life experience.

And in an odd twist that can only happen in Hollywood, untroubled actress Megan Fox has just been signed by New Line Cinema to play Lindsay Lohan in a biopic about Lohan starring in the biopics about Hilton and Spears.

Not to be outdone, Warner Brothers studios has just greenlit a biopic about Megan Fox playing Lohan playing Hilton and Spears. The role of Ms. Fox will be played by Gary Oldman. Also scheduled to appear in the film are Samuel L. Jackson and Sir Ben Kingsley, who will portray each other.

So where does Mel Gibson fit into all this?

Despite the numerous controversies surrounding the star, Gibson continues to direct and produce his own films. The man behind the international smash The Passion of the Christ plans to begin shooting a historical drama this fall about British oppression of Nazis during World War II.

“If you’ve seen my films,” Gibson said in last week’s issue of Fascist Aficionado, “You know what rotten people the British are. It’s time the world leaned the truth.”

One Response to “Lindsay Lohan has finally bitten off more than she can chew”

  1. I try to stay away from commenting about the subjects of our articles, but I highly recommend seeing “Konga:2010.” The effects are amazing. You totally cannot see the zipper on the Konga costume.

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