Transmissions from the alternate universe

Humans vow to gore bulls in revenge

Posted by oldancestor on July 8, 2010

Minotaur may be called in to broker peace treaty


By Eric J Baker


This man was disfigured by a back-alley horn job. He also keeps his cat in a silver spacesuit, which is odd.

PAMPLONA, SPAIN – Calls to plastic surgeons and body-modification specialists are surging all across Spain this week as fed-up humans seek to even the score against bulls for the vicious gorings that have claimed several lives recently.

Bull attacks traditionally spike this time of year in Spain, an anomaly law-enforcement experts are at a loss to explain. Since the bovine creatures sport a deadly rack of horns on their heads, the victims are often left dead or maimed.

“I’m scared to walk outside anymore,” says 44-year-old Pamplona resident Pinky Rodriguez. “Those bulls think they own the place.”

If Spaniards have their way, the tables may soon be turned. Thousands of young adults say they plan to have synthetic horn racks mounted on their heads in the coming months. It’s not a new procedure, but doctors say they haven’t seen this volume of people electing to go under the knife (and drill, in this case) for any other type of surgery.

“I can’t keep the racks in stock,” says Dr. Esmeralda Villalobos, while her team of nurses and assistants preps yet another patient. “This one here is a popular model.”

She points to the prosthetic device sitting on the surgical table, waiting for its new owner. The white PVC poly-resin horn rack weighs only four pounds but is hard enough to withstand the force of a hydraulic press.

The patient, art history student Diego Velazquez, seems eager.

“Watch out, bulls,” he says, patting his shaved forehead. “Diego is coming to collect a debt.”

But not right away. The procedure requires the cutting away of sections of skull to create slots into which the rack (pre-molded to fit the patient’s head) is inserted. The rack is then secured with titanium screws, and the patient’s skin, muscle, and tendons are configured to grow around the base of the horns. Recovery is said to take several weeks and can be an extremely painful process. A small percentage of those who have had the procedure performed experience painful headaches that never go away.

“A lot of people think it’s worth the risk,” explains Dr. Villalobos. “Bulls suddenly aren’t so tough when they get a look at one of these rigs.”

But is that true?

Frank Ungulate, a former member of a bull gang who now advises law enforcement on bull-gang activity, says no.

“Those kids are nuts and the so-called doctors who disserve them should be arrested,” he says. “Trust me; a thousand-pound bull with a six-foot horn span isn’t going to be intimidated by some scrawny 19-year-old human with plastic twigs attached to his flimsy skull. This is only going to escalate the violence.”

A bull gangster who would only identify himself as Taury and claims to be a member of the notorious gang, The Horn Section, told the Anvil, “Them skinny human dudes is in for a rude awakening. They been trying this [expletive] for years. Man, I’m gonna gore me the next skinny dude I see with fake horns.”

Indeed, people have been getting horns installed for decades, but the procedure only became legal three years ago. Prior to the law being passed, those who wanted a rack had to visit a back-alley practitioner, often receiving a set made of wood or particle board and frequently ending up with disfiguring scars and potentially deadly infections.

“Look at me,” says Waldemar Daninsky, a Polish expatriate living in Madrid. “I’m hideous.”

Daninsky reveals the red, swollen flesh around the horn’s mounting point. His skull is uneven in places.

“They used nails. Hammered ‘em right into my skull,” he says. “Well, the good news is, I’m really good at math now. I’m going to help NASA plan the trajectory for the probe they’re sending to Europa.”

 Because the horns damaged his eyesight and obscure objects around him, Daninsky often trips or bumps into things. During our interview, he stepped in a pile of manure left behind by a stampeding gang a short time earlier.

“Man,” he says, scraping his shoe. “This is bullsh*t.”


7 Responses to “Humans vow to gore bulls in revenge”

  1. Sorry about the lag between articles. I started a new job this week. Plus, not much fake news has been happening.

  2. art vandolay said

    Thanks for the long overdue coverage of bull on human violence, of which, by the way- I am huge advocate. I have actually undergone the horn implant surgery myself, not as a means of defense, but an act of solidarity. I detest the way bulls are treated in Spain, and have a strong love for ALL of God’s creatures and I hope a whole lot more humans get maimed, or better yet, killed.

    • All of God’s* creatures but one, it seems.

      *disclaimer: capitalization of the word “god” is not intended as confirmation of said diety’s existence. It is merely customary to use upper case letters for proper nouns.**

      **disclaimer of the disclaimer: I have to be careful with these things, since I am a journalist and people take what I say as gospel. Er, Gospel.

      • Jeanie said

        You Are Too Funny. I Love Your Blog. Please Don’t Stop Writing Just Because You Have Started A New Job. Fake News Is All Around,You Just Have To Seek It Out.
        Did you note the capitalization? clever, no?

  3. I love it. This is hilarious. What bull! I followed you to your blog from one of your comments on another site and am so glad I did.

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