THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

RNC Chairman Michael Steele says Clone Wars “were a war of Yoda’s choosing”

Posted by oldancestor on July 5, 2010

Unlike previous Michael Steele scandals, no strippers are involved

 

By Eric J Baker

Would the Republican National Committee fire Michael Steele and replace him with Frankenstein’s monster? Of course not. That’s a stupid question.

 WASHINGTON DC – Embattled RNC Chairman Michael Steele stirred controversy at a GOP fundraiser yesterday by claiming that Jedi Master Yoda was responsible for the “unnecessary” Clone Wars, which could have been avoided, he says, had different decisions been made.

“They were a war of Yoda’s choosing,” Steele told attendees.

His comments echo remarks he made just days ago about President Obama and the war in Afghanistan. However, while those words were roundly criticized by Republicans and Democrats alike, Steele’s view on the Clone Wars has won him support from unlikely sources.

“Yoda bashing is tantamount to blasphemy in this country, but Steele is correct this one time,” said ultra-liberal congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-OH). “Mr. Yoda may not have been involved in the creation of the clone army, but that didn’t stop him from using them for cannon fodder.”

The issue has quickly proved to be a divisive one for Republicans. Some conservative politicians are distancing themselves from Steele, but Senator John McCain, who only this weekend was calling for Steele’s ouster, threw his support behind the party chairman.

“My friends, I have no problems with a guy who starts necessary and easily justified wars, even if they end up lasting a hundred years” Senator McCain said on NBC’s Meet the Press yesterday, “but that one [gesturing toward a portrait of Master Yoda] basically took an army and handed it to his enemy, who used it to defeat him. It’s possibly the worst military blunder since Hitler invaded Russia.”

When reminded by host David Gregory that the Clone Wars took place thousands of years before World War II, in another galaxy, McCain said, “F*ck you!”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) broke with his colleague’s view. Appearing on Fox News’ The Sean Hannity Show last night, the Senator said, “The clone army had nothing to do with the failure of Yoda. It was having a left-wing radical like Yoda heading the Jedi Council in the first place that did it. Every citizen in that galaxy had the right to bear blasters until he came along.”

McConnell drew comparisons between Bespin and Tatooine, the latter of which never fell under imperial control. “Bespin had strict blaster-control laws and it took the Empire all of five minutes to seize power there. You think they’d try that on Tatooine? You want to take over that planet, you’d better bring a Death Star.”

Controversial Republican Senate candidate Rand Paul, who hopes to ride a wave of voter discontent into the November midterm elections, told supporters at a rally last night, “Real Americans don’t care about the political mumbo jumbo behind the Clone Wars. We know the simple truth: Those with a different skin color should never be allowed to lead others.”

He later added, “I meant because Yoda’s skin is green. Earthier tones are all right. Theoretically.”

President Obama, leaving the White House by helicopter this morning, dodged reporters’ requests for a response to Paul’s comments. Before boarding the aircraft, however, he raised an eyebrow and offered a noncommittal, “Fascinating.”

In what may be a first for Washington DC politics, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi will be joined later today by every elected woman in both houses of Congress for a bipartisan press conference on the steps of the Capitol Building. Rather than deliver a demand for Steele’s resignation, the diverse group of Republican and Democratic women is expected to issue a joint question asking, “What the hell are you guys talking about?”

5 Responses to “RNC Chairman Michael Steele says Clone Wars “were a war of Yoda’s choosing””

  1. Jeanie said

    Ok- this piece was a bit over my head. I know it is un-American, but I don’t like Star Wars (or The Honeymooners, baseball, hotdogs, or the 3 Stooges) To “fake news” quote Nancy Pelosi “What the hell are you talking about?”

    • Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele implied in a speech the other day that the war in Afghanistan was all Obama’s doing, conveniently forgetting that that war started in 2002.

      On the fan-geek front, people who like Star Wars often lament that everything cool about the original movies (particularly Yoda’s taoist philosophy) was completely abandoned in the new movies in favor of eye-candy action that serves no metaphorical or artistic purpose. The clone wars are the theme that ties the new movies together and, if you pay attenion to the story arc, you realize the Jedi are actually reprehensible beings who have no morals whatsoever.

      If you have the kind of brain that is compelled to invent fake news, you see a connection between those two topics that isn’t there, write it up, and, presto, you have absurdist satire!

      Or, from your perspective, gibberish.

      • Jeanie said

        Blah blah blah. The only thing I got from your response was: I am not a geek.
        Thank God ! (note the capital “G”)
        I was worried about this as I am a huge fan of “Science Friday” on NPR.
        Yippee. I am not a geek!!!

  2. art vandolay said

    Please except my apologies on behalf of the “people who comment on this blog post “( hint hint- see above) I am appalled at the crass way she disregarded your concise and quite gentlemanly explanation of your star wars analogy.

  3. When you run a hard-hitting news organization like The Anvil, you must steel yourself for the emotional and heated discussions that follow your controversial articles.

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