Transmissions from the alternate universe

Kagan, angered by probing questions, turns into The Hulk

Posted by oldancestor on June 30, 2010

3 senators killed; Kagan’s pantsuit damaged


By Eric J Baker


Kagan Hulk throttles Republican Senator Jeff Sessions

WASHINGTON DC – “You won’t like me when I’m angry.”

If certain Senate Judiciary Committee members had heeded that warning, issued by a visibly riled Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan minutes before she attacked the panel, they might be alive this morning.

At the end of a second full day of tough questioning, Kagan appeared to lose her cool when committee member Jeff Sessions (R-AL) asked, “If God can do anything, can he make a rock that he can’t pick up?”

Kagan refused to answer, prompting Sessions to repeat the question, at which point the nominee warned, “You’d better stop.”

When the Senator said, “Or you’ll do what,” Kagan’s eyes turned white, and, before a stunned group of senators and television crewmembers, she transformed into an incredible hulk, tossing the table and chair aside and leaping at Sessions.

Video from the hearing, since confiscated by federal investigators, showed Kagan hurling Sessions against the wall, then picking up senators Tom Coburn (R-OK) and Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and slamming their heads together.

Witnesses report Kagan saying, “Hulk smash puny humans!” before punching a hole in the wall and fleeing. She was later apprehended at her hotel room by local police, though the arresting officers say she had returned to human form by then.

Senators Coburn and Schumer were pronounced dead at the scene of the attack, and Senator Sessions died later at a local hospital.

Condemnation from Republicans came swiftly.

“This woman broke with a half century of Hulk tradition when she killed those men,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky. “Hulks are only supposed to injure people. Will she break from the Constitution as well? I think it’s possible.”

Carly Fiorina, the former Hewlett Packard CEO who will challenge incumbent Barbara Boxer for California’s senate seat this November said, “Did you see those purple pants Kagan had on? What decade is she in? Ugh. Not this one.”

The Obama administration quickly came to Kagan’s defense.

“That’s what those guys get for being smartasses,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “What are your views on this? What are your views on that? Just get on with it already. Jesus Christ!”

Kagan’s unexpected move may have upset conservatives in Washington, but she is winning broad support among ordinary Americans. The nominee has even inspired an overnight political party that calls itself Green Power Now!

“This is the fastest way I can think of to clean up Washington,” says the party’s founder, Chester Tool. “Kagan for President!”

Tool says he has no idea what “alternative energy” means, and he sees nothing wrong with a political party that has only two members getting prominent coverage in a news article.

As for Kagan, she may have to put her presidential ambitions on hold while the mess she created yesterday is sorted out. Legal experts say she is unlikely to be charged with a crime, since a hulk is considered by US courts to be a separate entity from its host. Ironically, it was the Supreme Court that made this determination in the 1983 case, David Banner v. The Guy Who Followed Him Everywhere.

Prior to yesterday’s incident, the most notable transformation in Supreme Court Nominee history occurred when recently retired Justice David Souter was nominated as a conservative judge but transformed into a liberal one as soon as he was confirmed.  

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2 Responses to “Kagan, angered by probing questions, turns into The Hulk”

  1. tom said

    that’s what i’m talkin about – i’m joinin the green party

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