Transmissions from the alternate universe

General McChrystal tells the Inquirer: “Obama has a bony ass”

Posted by oldancestor on June 24, 2010

A cry for help? 


By Eric J Baker 



General Stanley McChrystal, circa 1992, in his more carefree days


WASHINGTON DC – General Stanley McChrystal, who was relieved of his duties as US Commander of Armed Forces in Afghanistan yesterday by President Obama, now finds himself in even deeper trouble after another disparaging comment he made about the administration has come to light. 

In this week’s issue of National Inquirer, McChrystal was asked which administration official looks best in a swimsuit, to which he replied, “Well, it’s not the President. He has a bony ass.” 

The general went on to say Vice President Joe Biden looks “pasty” and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should “stop buying ugly one-piece swimsuits at Target.” 

The latest remarks follow those that appeared in Rolling Stone magazine last week and eventually cost McChrystal his job. In that interview, he said, “The President is all right, but that Michelle… ooh la la. There’s a woman. I’d like to take her home and show her what a real man is like… wait… you’re not recording this are you?” 

McChrystal’s firing puts him on a short list of high-profile military leaders who lost their positions in the midst of a combat campaign, including General Douglas Macarthur, who was fired by President Harry Truman during the Korean War in 1951, and General Zod, who was stripped of power by Superman in 1980. 

But since McChrystal has already been relieved of his duties, what can the President do to punish him for this latest transgression? As Commander-in-Chief, Obama has the authority to make him do push-ups or peel potatoes. However, most military analysts say the President is apt to simply let the general walk away from his military career altogether. 

“McChrystal’s actions suggest a man who wants to be fired,” says retired Admiral Lorth “Lolli” Needa, who gained notoriety by leading a fleet of Imperial Star Destroyers against the rebel alliance a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. “Of course, in my day, if you screwed up like that, they’d use the Force to crush your windpipe.” 

Just what are McChrystal’s plans, now that his military responsibilities have been handed off to someone else? If his frequent Tweets are an indication, the former leader of men plans to take on a new role: Leader of band members. 

It is believed McChrystal, who appeared on two grindcore albums in the early 1990s as lead guitarist of the band Curb Stomp a Baby, intends to take his music career off hold. Industry insiders say he is in talks with country music legend Crystal Gayle to record a pop CD together and tour the country under the name The McChrystal Gayle Nashville All-Stars. 

If the rumors are true, the general can surely look to his war experiences and his controversial relationship with President Obama for lyrical fodder.


5 Responses to “General McChrystal tells the Inquirer: “Obama has a bony ass””

  1. Randy Pena said

    Can you tell me who did your layout? I’ve been looking for one kind of like yours. Thank you.

  2. General McChrystal tells the Inquirer: ?Obama has a bony ass?…

    I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)…

  3. jeanie said

    Forget the news, fake or otherwise. I can’t believe people still read Rolling Stone Magazine???

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