Transmissions from the alternate universe

Americans angry at Obama for traffic jams, allergies

Posted by oldancestor on June 23, 2010



By Eric J Baker


Americans are angry and getting angrier

 WASHINGTON DC – Virtual protestors stormed the internet this week to vent their increasing frustration with what they perceive as inaction from the Obama administration on critical issues facing America, such as heavy traffic and hay fever.

In the northeast, where automobile traffic is particularly dense, the anger has reached a boiling point.

“Everyday I have to put up with this,” says Carl Driver, a 52-year-old insurance salesman stuck in traffic on Route 1 in Edison, NJ, which is considered one of the most congested stretches of highway in the country. “It takes me a half hour to go five miles. The President has totally dropped the ball on this and I wonder when he will finally wake up and do something about it.”

Patty Bacon agrees.

Coming out of a Burger King on Route 413 in Levittown, PA, she says, “Whoever configured this road is a moron. I drove past the entrance twice. How should I know I was supposed to stay in the left lane?”

Bacon said she planned to go straight home and rip President Obama a new one on Yahoo comments threads the rest of the day.

“He’s too busy pushing his socialist agenda to send federal road crews out here and rearrange all this,” she declares with a scowl.

Indeed, Americans are angry and getting angrier. Mental health professionals express concern that a collective feeling of rage could result in widespread violence if left unchecked.

“I had a patient just the other day who punched himself in the face every time he sneezed,” says psychologist Dianne Agnose. “He beat himself to a pulp during an allergy attack and then asked me what happened to the hope and change he voted for. He thought he wouldn’t sneeze anymore. Sad.”

Retired lobotomist Herbert West believes we, as a nation, need to return to a simpler time when Americans were full of malaise and apathy rather than frothing hatred.

“It’s a good feeling not to care about anything anymore,” he says. “It’s less stressful. Instead of trying to blame a politician for things he can’t possibly control, you just look in the mirror and wonder why the hell you even exist.”

Still, West admits that, even for a passive guy like him, anger bubbles to the surface with increasing regularity these days.

“Just the other day I got the bill from the caterer for my daughter’s wedding,” he explains, “and it was two hundred dollars more than they quoted. There were all kinds of hidden charges. All I remember after that is running up and down the sidewalk screaming ‘Damn you, Obama!’”

And in a new twist on an already strange trend, Americans are growing angry with the President for not being angry.

“Acting like a screaming, ranting, crying lunatic is the only way to solve problems,” says Fox News television pundit Glenn Beck. “Look how much change I’ve effected since I went on the air. Thanks to me, Obama slashed up the BP CEO’s face with a straight razor instead of negotiating terms of payment.”

Journalists have taken the Commander-in-Chief to task in recent weeks for his aloof disposition, something the White House doesn’t…

You know what? Forget it. I don’t feel like finishing this article, damn it. I DON’T WANT TO FINISH THIS ARTICLE!!!!

Maybe if Obama got his act together, I could finish it, but he only cares about his radical left-wing agenda, leaving us poor writers to think of our own endings to articles. Damn it all to hell!

**shoves typewriter away, rips press card from hat, throws cigarette in coffee, and storms out**

[The Anvil apologizes for the angry way this story ended. The writer is now under sedation and resting comfortably – ed.]


2 Responses to “Americans angry at Obama for traffic jams, allergies”

  1. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    I know Patty Bacon. She’s a complete moron. She doesn’t know weither to scratch her watch or wind her butt. I can navigate the streets of Levittown just fine.

    Side note: The top, right-hand corner of the photo looks like the writer of this article.

    • See, I thought the guy on the bottom left looked like the writer.

      To be fair, the guy on the upper left is angry because he has cataracts, which would make anyone grumpy.

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