Transmissions from the alternate universe

UN alarmed over violence in Afghanistan: “It’s like a war or something.”

Posted by oldancestor on June 22, 2010

Afghanistan now more dangerous than running with scissors


By Eric J Baker


Tribal violence is on the rise in Afghanistan, as evidenced by this gruesome arial photo




NEW YORK – United Nation Secretary General Ban Ki Moon held a press conference yesterday afternoon, telling reporters, “It’s come to our attention recently that violent things have been happening in Afghanistan. After a lengthy investigation, if it’s determined someone is at fault, the UN will issue a severe reprimand.”

The United Nations, a powerful organization made up of diplomats from various nations throughout the world, often wields its might in the form of reprimands, scoldings, and, in extreme cases, tongue lashings when dealing with rogue governments. Threats of all-out lecture have kept rabble-rousing nations like Iran and North Korea in line.

But Afghanistan may prove difficult to wrangle, if history is a guide. The land-locked, resource-poor country, with rock-strewn, sandy terrain not unlike that of Mars, has long been a target of conquest by the foolish and the insane, yet no invader has succeeded in taking control for long.

So what suddenly set off the UN’s Conflict-O-Meter 2000NT? 

One reason for the rise in violence could be the tens of thousands of heavily armed foreign soldiers conducting a war in the country. The brand-new conflict, which began eight years ago, appears to have been ensnared like a lazy, overweight trout in the UN’s broad net of awareness.

“Nothing escapes [the UN’s] attention,” says Corporal Roger Cobb, an infantry soldier with the United States Army on his third tour of duty in Afghanistan. “We’ve been trying to keep this on the down-low.”

Some experts believe the military action is an indirect result of the international dirt shortage currently slowing hole-filling projects around the world.

“Afghanistan has huge tracts of dirt,” explains The Evil Rabbit, a professor of world affairs at England’s Oxford University. “But you can’t get to it because of all the internal fighting between dirt warlords. If you dig deep, no pun intended, you’ll find this conflict is financed by billionaire tycoons who have holes that need filling.”

NYU professor The Ear Kid refutes that claim, saying the war was caused by a simple zoning disagreement over the popular Tora Bora hotel resort and casino in the southeastern part of the country.

“Two towns want the tax revenue, so they fight,” says Kid. “Though I could be making that up. None of their documents is in English, and I don’t know anything about Afghanistan. I’m a drama teacher.”

 Whatever the cause, the UN promises a swift action, possibly as early as 2035.

Important events in the Afghanistan War:

  • Terrorists from Saudi Arabia launch a devastating attack on US soil in September of 2001, prompting the UN to install the Conflict-O-Meter 2000NT
  • The US Government is friendly with the dictators who run Saudi Arabia, so they attack Afghanistan
  • Americans say it’s boring watching rubble get bombed into smaller bits of rubble
  • The US Government agrees and attacks Iraq, which had plenty of buildings to blow up, though no ties to the terrorists
  • The US recommits to fighting terrorists in Afghanistan, though the terrorists actually live in Pakistan now
  • The US proudly beats it’s record for longest-lasting war, an honor previously held by the conflict in Vietnam
  • UN releases Conflict-O-Meter 2000NT app for iPhone

One Response to “UN alarmed over violence in Afghanistan: “It’s like a war or something.””

  1. […] UN alarmed over violence in Afghanistan: “It’s like a war or something.” view here […]

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