Transmissions from the alternate universe

Elena Kagan’s emails show a fondness for quoting Yoda, sending funny cat pics

Posted by oldancestor on June 21, 2010



By Eric J Baker


Kagan, as she might appear if she were a deranged murderer. Her emails give no indication one way or the other.

WASHINGTON DC – Emails released last week by President Obama’s Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan reveal a legal expert steeped in knowledge of Jedi teachings as well as Starfleet regulation. The documents also provide an important insight into the beliefs and judicial philosophy of the woman who will likely replace retiring justice John Paul Stevens later this summer.  

“This puts my mind at ease,” said Senate Judiciary Committee member Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who will cast a vote either for or against Kagan’s approval after confirmation hearings take place early next month. “We needed to see these documents to make sure she hadn’t confessed to a murder or something. This is the Supreme Court we’re talking about here.”

Some long-serving lawmakers are still smarting over the Supreme Court confirmation scandal of 1989, when Justice Jeffrey Dahmer was approved without a hearing. Dahmer was later found to have killed 17 people and kept their dismembered bodies in his apartment.

So far, Kagan has not been linked to any mysterious deaths, and her penchant for signing emails with Yoda quotes such as, “Wars not make one great,” and “Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter,” suggests firm spiritual beliefs, an attribute that could make her appealing to more conservative-minded GOP senators.

“Kagan should sail through the confirmation process,” says Snooki, a legal analyst and professor at Harvard Law School. “Evidenced in her emails is an affinity for the teachings of Empire Strikes Back Yoda, not prequel Yoda. She found the Clone Wars to be a time of questionable moral authority for the Jedi, as should we all.”

President Obama’s nominee is not without her detractors, though. Tom Coburn (R-OK), a professed dog lover who also serves on the Judiciary Committee, asks, “What’s with all the cat pics she forwarded? ‘Can I has Cheezburger?’ That’s not funny.”

Coburn says nothing makes his filibuster finger itch like a cat lover, but he’d consider voting in Kagan’s favor if she were to send a new round of emails that include hilarious dog images.

“I don’t need made-up quotes, though,” he insists. “In fact, I hate made-up quotes.”

Even with a few dissenters in the mix, Kagan is expected to win approval easily and should be sitting on the court before the summer is over. All that remains is a review of her Costco receipts and inspection of her mattress tags, though few believe she will be tripped up this late in the game.

“The only thing that can stop her now is a problem during the body cavity search,” says Snooki.


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