Transmissions from the alternate universe

New trend in animal fashion: Oil Chic

Posted by oldancestor on June 18, 2010

Also: The Week’s Worst Red Carpet Disasters!


By Lacy Thundercake


Today’s sea birds dripping with style


GULF OF MEXICO – Move over, Milan. Watch out, Westminster. There’s a new animal fashion capital and it’s called the Gulf of Mexico.

That’s right. The animal fashion industry has been caught flat-hoofed by a new trend sweeping the southeastern United States. They’re calling it “oil chic,” and today’s cosmopolitan critters can’t jump on the bandwagon fast enough.

Dressed in shiny black, the “Oil Chics” seem to have a nose for sniffing out photographers, and they don’t mind strutting their stuff for television cameras either. The look appears to be spreading, too, as more and more animals are riding the fashion wave.

But how did industry insiders not see this coming? Aren’t they supposed to be the pros?

Bill Duck, editor of Quack, a style magazine geared toward young waterfowl, says, “This shows you that street-savvy young animals decide what’s hip, not a bunch of feather puffers in a boardroom somewhere. You can market a new trend, but trends make themselves.”

When asked why she has adopted the new style, Londoner turned Louisiana marshland resident Trina Mallard says, “It’s a bit of all right, isn’t it? And it’s cheap too. All I have to do is go for a dunk and I come up all black and shiny. Beats spending loads and loads at the mall.”

Not everyone is impressed with the new style.

“Big deal!” squawks local crow, Chet Byrd. “I’ve had that look for years, and I do it without becoming flammable.”

Byrd’s friend visiting from out of state, a peacock named John Plume, thinks the look is ok, even if it makes him feel even more like a colorful outsider.

“When a trend catches on this fast, it dies out even faster,” he says. “They’ll all go back to being white or gray, and I’ll still be the sexiest thing on two legs.”

The week’s worst red carpet disasters

LOS ANGELES – Two red carpet disasters took place in Los Angeles this week within a few hours of each other, and neither involved Bjork or Mariah Carey.

The first incident occurred at noon on Wednesday, when terrorists lost control of the box truck they were driving and it crashed through the window of Tony’s All-Red-Carpet Carpet Emporium on 14th street. The truck burst into flames, destroying the store and its inventory. Luckily, the fertilizer bomb in the back of the truck did not explode, and the store’s employees and customers, as well as they terrorists, escaped with minor injuries.

Tony Shag, the store’s owner, says sales were slow anyway and he’ll be glad for the insurance money.

The suicide bomber driving the truck was quoted as saying, “Whew, that was scary. I thought I was going to die.”

Across town three hours later, a TV crew filming the reality show We Remodeled Your House Without Consulting You was shocked when an enraged homeowner attacked and killed the show’s host, designer Arthur Deco, with an ax. Police say the homeowner, Les Borden, became incensed when he returned from work to find red wall-to-wall carpeting installed throughout the entire house. He then ran to his workroom, according to the police report, and emerged swinging the weapon. Deco was pronounced dead at the scene.

Police chief Moses Hightower told reporters, “It was clearly a crime of passion. That guy loved his hardwood.” 

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