THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Conservative school board reinvents history in textbook: No Carboniferous Period

Posted by oldancestor on June 17, 2010

TREES INFURIATED, CALLING FOR BOARD PRESIDENT’S RESIGNATION

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Conservative school board president Rex Fortescue stands before a Texas high school. He's unapologetic about his controversial views.

AUSTIN, TX – In a move sure to stir controversy, the state of Texas school board recently demanded – and got – changes to the 2011 edition of World History for Entitled Brats, a textbook handed out to incoming high school freshman.

At a glance, the book may not look much different from last year’s version. But a scan through its pages reveals an omission all the more shocking for the fact it is intentional: There’s no record of the Carboniferous period.

Readers, plus students, who only fake-read, will find the Devonian period where it belongs, from 417 to 359 million years ago. The text then picks up with the Permian, which lasted from 299 to 251 million years ago.

So where are the missing 60 million years?

“Never happened,” says newly elected school board president Rex Fortescue. “The Carboniferous period is a lie perpetrated by left-wing radicals bent on brainwashing our children.”

Fortescue, a dinosaur, does not offer proof the maligned geologic period is fabricated, and it’s worth noting that reptiles have long denied evolving from tetrapods. The squat, four-legged amphibian-like creatures lived in the Carboniferous and predate the reptilian occupants of the Triassic and Jurassic Periods.

When told the fossil record shows a clear link between tetrapods and dinosaurs, Fortescue says, “Reptiles were created by Godzilla in His own image. End of story.”

The firebrand Tyrannosaur’s controversial declarations haven’t gone unnoticed outside the walls of academe.

“Why does he even care what happened in the Paleozoic era?” asks Pinky Middleton, one of several maple trees protesting outside the school board’s offices in Austin. “The Carboniferous is a fact. Tetrapods are a fact.”

Most trees are believed to have evolved in the oxygen-rich Carboniferous.

“Say, he’d look good as a salad bowl on my dining room table,” was all Fortescue would say in response.

Dr. Armord Fish, a paleontologist at Princeton University and also a coelacanth, says, “My kind has been around since the Devonian. That’s almost half a billion years ago. Believe me, the Carboniferous happened, and anyone who says otherwise has let the Permian extinction go to his head.”

Dr. Fish adds, “This is why science belongs in textbooks and Godzilla belongs in church.”

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