Transmissions from the alternate universe

Zeus destroys giant Jesus statue with lightning bolt

Posted by oldancestor on June 16, 2010

“Enough with the idolatry!”


By Eric J Baker


Like millions of others, the Kraken has a hard time finding work these days. "The Gods must not be angry," it says.

MOUNT OLYMPUS – The king of the gods threw a temper tantrum yesterday, followed by a lightning bolt, striking a 62-foot-tall Jesus statue standing outside the Solid Rock church in Monroe, Ohio. The popular tourist attraction was destroyed.

Zeus was later quoted as saying, “I’ve been patiently overlooking these false idols for almost 1800 years, but come on. 62 feet high? That’s almost as tall as me.”

Indeed, the once-vengeful deity seldom targets statues of the popular biblical character and leaves most plastic dashboard figurines alone. In recent centuries, it seems the gods of Mount Olympus have taken a “live and let live” philosophy toward the foibles of earthbound mortals, in contrast with an earlier, more violent era, when whole cities often felt their wrath. The Kraken, the Titan of Mass Destruction most frequently deployed in the past, has not seen since action it was called upon to sink the ocean liner Titanic almost 100 years ago. In all likelihood, then, yesterday’s attack was an isolated incident.

Still, many Christians find themselves on edge since Solid Rock Church’s Jesus met its fiery demise.

“I hope they keep the statues in the basement until this whole thing blows over,” says Petralova Marquand, a congregant at Our Lady of the Pagan Resistance in Tampa, Florida. “I don’t want to get caught in the crossfire.”

Farzad Rahmadi, a Muslim from West Virginia, laughs about the statue’s destruction. “Now do you understand why we forbid likenesses of the prophet?”

But if Zeus was offended by the exaggerated proportions of the Monroe, Ohio Jesus, how does one explain the continued existence of the Christ the Redeemer statue standing atop Brazil’s Mount Corcovado, which overlooks Rio de Janeiro? At 130 feet high, it would have towered over the Ohio figure if the two were placed side by side.

Most theologians speculate the king of the gods, like all heterosexual men, has a fondness for Brazilian women, often appearing as a cloud of mist or falling star to seduce them.

“Destroying iconic statues with lightning bolts is not seen as conducive to romance,” says Johnny Acropolis, a pagan priest. “Once the mood has been wrecked, not even a god can get a woman to change her mind.”

Others believe the Rio Jesus bears an uncanny resemblance to Zeus’ favorite cousin, Roger, and, for that reason, he is loath to deliver iconoclastic justice.

What does the god himself say?

“Eh, I figured you were all sick of hearing about the oil spill and needed a laugh.”

8 Responses to “Zeus destroys giant Jesus statue with lightning bolt”

  1. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    Why is Zeus only attacking Catholicism? Why not the statues of other religions such as Shiva or Buddha? I say it’s a hate crime against Catholics! We need to arrest him!

  2. art vandolay said

    Hey- Alexandria,
    I take offense to your comment “It’s a hate crime against Catholics”
    News flash: Protestants dig Jesus too.
    If anything- it’s a crime against Christians in general.So stop trying to take all the victim credit like a typical Catholic.
    AND-I have it form a reliable source that Jesus loves us more- hah!

  3. Great. I have two readers and they’re fighting.

  4. […] Zeus destroys giant Jesus statue with lightning bolt view here […]

  5. I’ve just realized something. . .Ms. Beaverhousin and Mr. Vandolay have names that bear a striking resemblance to names of Jerry Seinfeld’s creation. Hmmm. . .am I to infer that you have been making all your own comments this whole past year? If I didn’t know that my name was not used by Jerry Seinfeld, I would think maybe you had written my comments too. The bad ones, anyway. . .

    I’m going to have the almighty lord Word Press look into this.

  6. […] post:  Apples to Apples * The Most Shocking News stories of 2011 (The Anvil) * Zeus destroys giant Jesus statue with lightning bolt (The Anvil) * Disaster at Glenn Beck rally: Too much Kool-Aid, not enough cyanide (The […]

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