Zombie apocalypse eases unemployment, boosts retail sales
Posted by oldancestor on June 15, 2010
BUT UNDERTAKER AND GRAVEYARD INDUSTRIES STILL REELING
By Eric J Baker
WASHINGTON, DC – Stocks closed higher yesterday amidst promising news on the economic front: Jobless rates are falling, according to the latest Labor Department data, and retail sales are inching up, which could indicate consumer confidence is on the rise. Most experts and government officials attribute the improved conditions to the zombie apocalypse currently sweeping the globe.
At a press conference yesterday morning, Labor Department spokesperson Vernita Biscuitbarrel told reporters the unemployment rate now stands at 7.3 percent and is falling fast.
“And these aren’t those bullsh*t numbers we’ve been giving out,” she said. “Like counting temporary census workers or not counting people whose benefits ran out. This is the real deal.”
It is believed over a million out-of-work Americans have been devoured by the undead in recent weeks and, therefore, are no longer being tallied with the unemployed. Other workers have been hired by the government to scour the countryside in search of the pesky flesh eaters.
“It’s not hard work, killing zombies,” says Pinky Middleton, a former software engineer from Topeka, Kansas. “Beat ‘em or burn ‘em. They go up pretty easy.”
Some on the right are critical of the Labor Department report, saying it’s not fair to count temporary zombie killers as fully employed.
“President Obama likes to take credit for improved numbers, but Americans want to see real progress on joblessness, not some sham portable slaughterhouse routine,” GOP Senate candidate Rand Paul said yesterday. “We need to allow private business owners to use zombies as slaves, thus saving them money on payroll. Once that saved money trickles down, watch out! Happy days are here again.”
Elsewhere, sporting goods stores and discount retailers like K-Mart and Target report brisk sales of bullets and rifles while home-improvement chains are having trouble keeping wood and nails in stock.
National retailers Lowe’s and Home Depot are now sending teams out to board up people’s houses in trucks labeled “Zombie Squad.”
“A lot of our customers have lost loved ones after zombies penetrated their home defenses,” says Woody Plank, Home Depot’s National Sales Director. “We give them the peace of mind they need to sleep at night.”
Home Depot is offering money back to any customers who are bitten by zombies or become zombies after using the company’s home-boarding service.
Some economists warn that the improved economic numbers are only temporary and will drop after the inevitable collapse of civilization.
Says MSNBC analyst Dylan Ratigan, “When the entire human race has been transformed into the rotting, mindless undead, because that’s what’s coming, will the unemployment rate be 0% or 100%? It’s an interesting philosophical question.”
Not everyone is worried. Author and former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, standing atop the roof of her Alaska home as she picks off zombies with a high-powered rifle, says, “Americans are a pretty clever bunch ‘o people, don’t cha know. We have a way of makin’ orange juice out of oranges.”
After ‘accidentally’ shooting television reporter Katie Couric, who was on the lawn below interviewing one of the undead, Palin added, “Gotcha, journalist!”