Transmissions from the alternate universe

News round-up: You’d better practice saying “Holy Crap!” before you read this

Posted by oldancestor on June 14, 2010

Scientists discover new species of living doornail

An artist's rendition of clavo animaxus, the living doornail.

 ARGENTINA – People who rely heavily on clichés were dealt a major blow this week when South American scientists found a new species of living doornail in the Andes Mountains. Researchers say these hardy creatures, dubbed clavo animaxus, are the first of their kind observed in the wild.

“This forces us to rethink our understanding of evolution in the Southern Hemisphere,” explains Dr. Jacinto Molina of Buenos Aires Tech, who led the expedition. “Maybe the lowly doornail, long a victim of unwarranted derision, will finally take its rightful place in the biological record.”

Not everyone is so enthused about the find.

“All’s fair in love and war,” says cliché user Pinky Middleton, “but I’m still bummed they let this cat out of the bag. Now what will I say? Dead as a window latch?”

Middleton says he’ll move on rather than beat a dead horse. “I have to think outside the box and develop a new phrase before all hell breaks loose.”

Dr. Molina, who has courted controversy in the past by opening up cans of worms, is expected to head to southwestern Africa next month in an attempt to prove a bird in the hand is worth three in the bush.


Triton defeats Pluto to win Solar System Cup


NEPTUNE – An upset-laden Solar System Cup tournament ended yesterday with Triton, Neptune’s largest moon, defeating the dwarf planet Pluto 2-0. The victory was Triton’s first in 75 years.

The football match went scoreless for 70 minutes until Team Triton was awarded a penalty kick and netted the eventual game winner on the play. The shooter, Fleg!drom !Grensifle?don, also assisted on an insurance goal by Gaaa’aaabnx ten minutes later. Bill Jones, the losing goaltender for Pluto, was killed by an angry mob shortly after the game, in keeping with tradition.

Most experts were shocked to see two underdog teams playing for the championship while heavy favorites Saturn, Jupiter, and Earth watched from the sidelines. Teams that train in low-gravity environments have seldom made it to the medal round in the past, but all that changed this year.

“This outcome proves the sport has reached an unprecedented level of parity,” says Interplanetary Football Federation president <^>, though she can’t have been happy with the dismal TV ratings that resulted from a lack of star players appearing in the final.

On Pluto, riots broke out after the loss, with many fans incensed by what they saw as biased refereeing. Several boulders were overturned and clouds of methane gas were dispersed during the melee.

“Hooligans!” says Henry Grady, a pub owner in Great Britain and follower of Manchester United, the local team. “Them Plutonians give a bloody bad name to us football fans.”

Stunner: FBI probe finds Times Square isn’t square at all!


NEW YORK – FBI analysts, studying maps of midtown Manhattan and performing on-site measurements, have discovered Times Square is closer in shape to an “X” than a square.

“An X is an approximation,” FBI Deputy Director Fred Sternly said at a press conference this weekend. “It’s more like two huge shoelaces laid side by side for a few blocks and then forking away from each other at the north and south ends. There’s no word for that shape, but it’s surely not a square.”

The intersection of 7th Avenue and Broadway is famous for hosting the world’s biggest News Year’s Eve celebration every year, but anger over the FBI’s shocking revelation is likely to drive partiers elsewhere this winter.

New York mayor Michael Bloomberg is scrambling to downplay the controversy, but the problem won’t be going away any time soon: The Obama administration has just announced it will bring federal charges against the city for misnaming the tourist spot.

“We always do this,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs on NBC’s Meet the Press yesterday.  “It makes people happy when we threaten unpopular things with federal charges.”



2 Responses to “News round-up: You’d better practice saying “Holy Crap!” before you read this”

  1. jeanie said

    Holy Crap Holy crap Holy crap

    Why it it that every time I walk through the room while my husband is watching the Solar System Cup Tournament, it sounds like the room is filled with about a million buzzing bees??

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