Transmissions from the alternate universe

Obama tells America: “Stop saying ‘FAIL.’ You sound like a douche”

Posted by oldancestor on June 11, 2010

He also warned us against overusing, “yeah baby,” more than 12 years ago


By Eric J Baker


WASHINGTON D.C. – In a televised speech that aired during primetime last night, President Obama told Americans it was time to stop using the word “fail” as an adjective. His words echoed what many in the fake news media have been thinking for months.

Speaking directly to the camera, the President said, “Look. The internet picture of the kid on the bike with square tires was clever, as was the one with the piece of cheese on the cat’s face. They were real funny…three years ago. Yet ordinary Americans, after all this time, continue to say things are ‘fail’ in place of ‘stupid’ or ‘embarrassing,’ as if it were somehow still remotely amusing. These people should feel stupid and embarrassed for repeating a phrase that was worn out before I even took office. And for the record, ‘fail’ is a verb.”

Some observers say the President’s speech was meant to help toughen his image, as he has faced recent criticism for displaying a detached, cerebral approach to emotionally charged issues like unemployment and the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.

While it’s hard to argue the insult isn’t tired, not everyone agrees it’s being misused as an adjective. Sir Henry Baskerville, a professor of linguistics at Oxford University in England, believes the slang term is a noun.

“Most definitely a noun,” explains Sir Henry. “When someone shows you a picture and says, ‘this bad football goaltending is FAIL,’ he means the performance of the goaltender is an act of failure, not that the goaltending was of poor quality, though that’s implied. In other words, this specific case of bad goaltending equals failure.”

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin isn’t concerned with debating the term’s position in the lexicon. At a public appearance late last night, she told a cheering crowd, “Yeah, Obama’s right. We should stop using it. NOT!”

Several television pundits quickly denounced her comments by saying, “Hey, Sarah. The late 80s called and they want their word back.” A montage of the responses will appear on Comedy Central’s Daily Show with Jon Stewart later this week, after which the host will berate the pundits for their apparent poverty of intellect. 

So far, President Obama has stayed above the fray, preferring to focus on issues he can’t do anything about, like creating jobs and stopping the oil leak.

Here is a transcript of his televised speech, minus the excerpt above:

My fellow Americans, I’m sharing a few minutes with you tonight to talk about an issue of grave importance that affects us all. I’ve faced many challenges in my first 500 days in office, including the need for healthcare reform, a bad economy, and an oil spill unprecedented in scope. We’re working hard to deal with these problems, but you can help us by recognizing that calling things ‘fail’ on the internet hasn’t been funny for ages and, frankly, when you do it, you come off as a douche bag. No one wants to be a douche bag…

You can do yourselves all a favor by stopping to think about what you say before you say it instead of operating as if some kind of tape is playing in your brain that regurgitates the same idiotic phrase over and over. Generally speaking, a catch word or phrase is just about used up by the time it reaches the masses. So if you find yourself on mental autopilot, switch it off and start acting like you’re capable of having an original thought.

God bless you, and God bless the United States of America. Good night.


5 Responses to “Obama tells America: “Stop saying ‘FAIL.’ You sound like a douche””

  1. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    I’m still going to use the word “fail” and there is nothing that this author nor Obama can do about it! Ergo, this is an article fail.

    God bless America!

    • You forgot to put “epic” in front of it. That makes it ten times as funny.

      By the way, my sources say God hates when you say fail as well. Consider yourself warned!

      Now excuse me while I go fix a typo the copy editor missed. I’m gonna sack that guy.

  2. A. McMonkey- McBean said

    Thanks for the swell blog.
    I find your writing style to be really groovy.

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