Transmissions from the alternate universe

Al Qaeda-in-Iraq plans to lay off 300 staffers; mostly terrorists

Posted by oldancestor on June 10, 2010

News sends stocks tumbling


By Eric J Baker


Al Qaeda's leader Osama Bin Liden spends lavishly while hourly terrorists struggle to make ends meet

BAGHDAD – At a press conference yesterday, Al Qaeda-in-Iraq CEO Kassim Burani announced the not-for-prophet organization was slashing 300 jobs in the coming weeks. With the Nintendo Wii and a slate of Apple products like the iPhone and iPad siphoning interest away from Jihad, he says, the reduction in staff is necessary to stave off bankruptcy. Those in the industry hope a refocused effort will help terrorism recapture its competitive edge.

“It’s with a heavy heart that I make this decision,” Burani told reporters, “but we need to be a leaner company to survive in the current economic climate.”

Some economists have been warning as early as 2006 the organization was growing too rapidly and setting its sights too high.

CNBC’s Jim Cramer explains, “If the economic growth we’d seen in the first half of the decade was sustainable, they’d have been fine, but it wasn’t sustainable. They also blew up too many crowded marketplaces too fast. There weren’t enough people to kill after a while.”

Others point to business decisions that turned off long-time customers and hurt the brand’s image.

“When we look back on this in a few years,” says Wall Street Journal business editor Pappy Zettlemoyer, “we’ll see the turning point in [Al Qaeda-in-Iraq’s] fortunes came when they decided to sponsor the Van Halen: Dinosaurs of Rock reunion tour. They lost some credibility there.”

He went on to say, “I mean because rock and roll is supposedly decadent, not because it was Van Halen. Then again…”  

Employees of the terror organization say talk of layoffs has everyone looking over their shoulders.

“It’s been awful for morale,” explains roadside bomber Pinky Azzad. “They already told us we weren’t getting the 72 virgins we were promised. Now this. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I lose my job.”

The 72-Virgin Pact, similar to a 401K investment plan, was designed to lure workers in the 1980s, when the economy was booming and employers were desperate to fill positions. Nowadays, Al Qaeda-in-Iraq is struggling to make payroll and work is scarce, necessitating cutbacks in benefits.

Al Qaeda-in-Iraq’s parent company, Al Qaeda, has come under scrutiny for a seemingly aloof response to the problems of its satellite organizations. The notoriously tight-lipped leadership group has yet to issue a public statement about the layoffs, much less pump in needed funds. And the company now faces a growing scandal after CEO and president Osama Bin Laden issued himself 200 bonus virgins, an ill-timed move from a public relations perspective.

“Sure. He gets to reside in a luxurious cave in the resort region along the Pakistan and Afghanistan border while we pick sand out of our butt cracks,” complains Pinky Azzad. “To think this used to be a good place to work.”

Indeed, Al Qaeda rose as high as number 11 on Forbes Magazine’s annual 100 Best Places to Work list, but that was back in 2001. Now the once-proud bunch of murderers is scrambling to stay afloat in a bad economy and has seen its market share dwindle. Relentless attacks from US Predator drone aircraft haven’t helped.     

Al Qaeda spokesperson Tariq “Tiny” Al-Fazzah challenges that assertion, saying, “The mosquito bites of the infidels’ insect planes are worthless in the face of the almighty and righteous bug spray with which we cast them from the Earth and into hell.”

Al-Fazzah was killed by a missile fired from a US Predator drone before he had time to clarify his statement.

Roadside bomber Azzad admits he wouldn’t mind if about 300 more of his colleagues fell victim to drone attacks.

“I’m not usually such a cold-blooded guy,” said the terrorist, “but, hey, I need my job.”


4 Responses to “Al Qaeda-in-Iraq plans to lay off 300 staffers; mostly terrorists”

  1. Nice writing style. I look forward to reading more in the future.

  2. Tsuchigari said

    Fantastic! I had a chance to stop by at last. Love it. Terrific material. Good enough to sell, should you be so inclined.

    • Thanks so much. But, all of the sudden, I feel like it’s full of evil adverbs!*

      *That’s a cool in-joke that only Tsuchigari and I will understand, while the rest of you scratch your heads and wish you were one of the popular kids.

      ** Or you can just follow the link in her name and check out her blog.

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