Study: Unemployed too lazy to take jobs that don’t exist
Posted by oldancestor on June 9, 2010
Also: Out-of-work Americans begin turning into mysterious gooey substance after 6 months, say potential employers
By Eric J Baker
CLAMSHAFT, ID – The results of a study released yesterday by the Belligerent Idiots Society of America (BISA) show the unemployed to be shiftless do-nothings who are unwilling to get off their lazy asses and find work that isn’t there.
BISA president Chester Tool says, “This just proves what I been sayin’ all along: All those millions of people who were employed before the recession hit were only faking at working hard and being knowledgeable. They were just dreaming of the day they could sit at home and collect free socialist money at 1/3 their former salary.”
The study, conducted without the usual distractions of scientific method and legitimacy, took over two days to complete.
“I looked at all them comments on Yahoo,” says Madge Tool, Chester’s sister-in-law, who collected the data. “Everybody was sayin’ ‘Get a job you lazy bums’ and all that. It was pretty convincing.”
Madge relates a personal story that supports her findings, anecdotally at least.
“So I talked to this feller who spent 12 years workin’ his way through school and got hisself one of them fancy PhDs. Got some fancy job for ten years then he gets laid off. ‘Get a job, you lazy bum,’ I wanted to say, only I didn’t ‘cause he looked so sad, like a dog that gets kicked all the time.”
The man from Madge’s story, like so many other unemployed people with advanced degrees, is most likely unwilling to take a hypothetical job at McDonalds, which seems to confirm the study’s conclusion that such people have no work ethic.
In separate study commissioned by the Potential Employers Coalition (PEC), a loose affiliation of American businesses, unemployed people were found to have a shelf-life of no more than 5 months and 29 days.
“It’s really sad because we’d love to hire these people,” said coalition chairman Fred Bigbonus, “but the results clearly prove that, once they hit that six month mark, they’re expired.”
The study identifies progressive stages of degeneration in the unemployed. At six months, all knowledge and experience evaporates, followed by brain liquefaction. At seven months, bones become brittle and subjects become untrainable. At nine months, the entire body melts down into gelatinous ooze, useful only as a toxic sludge to feed chickens.
“It’s tragic,” says Bigbonus. “But… maybe if they weren’t such lazy scum, they’d have gone out and gotten jobs, so I can’t feel too bad.”
Waiting for out-of-work Americans to melt certainly sounds like a neat and tidy solution to the problem of unemployment, but a far greater threat looms: What to do with all the leftover ooze. There just aren’t enough hungry chickens.
“It’s a coming environmental catastrophe on a scale as yet unseen in all of human history,” says Pinky Middleton, some guy from the internet. “Besides the close to 15 million unemployed people, you have millions more who are only working part time. Those folks are losing fingers, ears, toes. Stuff like that. Where are we going to put it all?”
So far, the only treatment for the melting condition (known as Rebar’s Disease) requires the unemployed to kill the employed and eat their flesh, though that only staves off tissue degeneration for a short time and doesn’t reverse it.
“I had no idea when I started writing this article,” says a fake news reporter who declined to give his name, “that it would end with a bizarre reference to the obscure 1977 film, The Incredible Melting Man.”