Transmissions from the alternate universe

Study: Unemployed too lazy to take jobs that don’t exist

Posted by oldancestor on June 9, 2010

Also: Out-of-work Americans begin turning into mysterious gooey substance after 6 months, say potential employers


By Eric J Baker


Unemployed people quickly forget how to perform the simplest tasks, such as using a computer keyboard

CLAMSHAFT, ID – The results of a study released yesterday by the Belligerent Idiots Society of America (BISA) show the unemployed to be shiftless do-nothings who are unwilling to get off their lazy asses and find work that isn’t there.

BISA president Chester Tool says, “This just proves what I been sayin’ all along: All those millions of people who were employed before the recession hit were only faking at working hard and being knowledgeable. They were just dreaming of the day they could sit at home and collect free socialist money at 1/3 their former salary.”

The study, conducted without the usual distractions of scientific method and legitimacy, took over two days to complete.

“I looked at all them comments on Yahoo,” says Madge Tool, Chester’s sister-in-law, who collected the data. “Everybody was sayin’ ‘Get a job you lazy bums’ and all that. It was pretty convincing.”

Madge relates a personal story that supports her findings, anecdotally at least.

“So I talked to this feller who spent 12 years workin’ his way through school and got hisself one of them fancy PhDs. Got some fancy job for ten years then he gets laid off. ‘Get a job, you lazy bum,’ I wanted to say, only I didn’t ‘cause he looked so sad, like a dog that gets kicked all the time.”

The man from Madge’s story, like so many other unemployed people with advanced degrees, is most likely unwilling to take a hypothetical job at McDonalds, which seems to confirm the study’s conclusion that such people have no work ethic.

In separate study commissioned by the Potential Employers Coalition (PEC), a loose affiliation of American businesses, unemployed people were found to have a shelf-life of no more than 5 months and 29 days.

“It’s really sad because we’d love to hire these people,” said coalition chairman Fred Bigbonus, “but the results clearly prove that, once they hit that six month mark, they’re expired.”

The study identifies progressive stages of degeneration in the unemployed. At six months, all knowledge and experience evaporates, followed by brain liquefaction. At seven months, bones become brittle and subjects become untrainable. At nine months, the entire body melts down into gelatinous ooze, useful only as a toxic sludge to feed chickens.

“It’s tragic,” says Bigbonus. “But… maybe if they weren’t such lazy scum, they’d have gone out and gotten jobs, so I can’t feel too bad.”

Waiting for out-of-work Americans to melt certainly sounds like a neat and tidy solution to the problem of unemployment, but a far greater threat looms: What to do with all the leftover ooze. There just aren’t enough hungry chickens.

“It’s a coming environmental catastrophe on a scale as yet unseen in all of human history,” says Pinky Middleton, some guy from the internet. “Besides the close to 15 million unemployed people, you have millions more who are only working part time. Those folks are losing fingers, ears, toes. Stuff like that. Where are we going to put it all?”  

So far, the only treatment for the melting condition (known as Rebar’s Disease) requires the unemployed to kill the employed and eat their flesh, though that only staves off tissue degeneration for a short time and doesn’t reverse it.

“I had no idea when I started writing this article,” says a fake news reporter who declined to give his name, “that it would end with a bizarre reference to the obscure 1977 film, The Incredible Melting Man.”


5 Responses to “Study: Unemployed too lazy to take jobs that don’t exist”

  1. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    It’s true. All things expire after six months. I used to work in a bookstore at college. Students would buy a $200 chem book and when they tried to sell it back, I could only give them $20. Suckers. Sure they would huff and puff on how only six months ago they bought it brand new for ten times more, but science is face-paced much like humans. New information arrive just like human mutation. Hence, human gooey substance.

    The point is: College Text Books are like humans

    • Did you ever forget to return the unsold books to the publisher before the six months was up? I’d hate to come in to work and find slime running down the shelves.

      On a related note… since things expire at six months, it’s probably ok to eat the five-month-old roast beef in my fridge, right?

      • Alexandria Beaverhousin said

        Nope. Never forgot. It’s a business. We’ll try to squeeze out any money we can get. Even though the word “squeeze” is appropriate in conjuction with slime, but slime is worthless as you already know.

        I’m not a doctor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn once so I think you’ll be fine eating 5 month old roast beef.

        On a somewhat related note: the reporter of this article has pretty hands.

        • Holiday Inn, eh? Pretty swanky. So, how was the continental breakfast?

          I’ll pass your compliments on to the hand model we brought in for the shoot*

          *you seem to be under the strange impression that this is a rinky dink, one-man operation. If that’s the case, how did the one man manage to snap that pic? Got you there, no?

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