THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Kristen Stewart, Joran Van der Sloot in trouble again: Keep reading to find out which one killed somebody…

Posted by oldancestor on June 8, 2010

Twilight star Kristen Stewart says, “Earning millions… is like getting kicked in the crotch”

 

By Lacy Thundercake

 

Kristen Stewart is rushed to a hospital after she sprained her face trying to smile

HOLLYWOOD – As if vampires and werewolves weren’t bad enough, Bella Swan now faces an even graver threat: The words that come out of her mouth.

Kristen Stewart, who stars as the put-upon heroine in the Twilight film series, courted controversy in a recent interview by comparing fame to sexual assault. She has since apologized, but that didn’t stop her from telling reporters at the MTV Awards two days ago, “Earning millions of dollars to pout on camera is like getting kicked in the crotch all day. It sucks.”

After being forced to take the role of Bella at gunpoint and then enduring the adulation of millions of fans, the long-suffering Stewart may have reached her breaking point. Last week she underwent a painful surgical procedure that enables her to smile, simply so she can stop injuring her face trying to look happy once in a while. But her new grin will never mask the pain inside.

“I just want to be like everyone else,” she says, “either working for minimum wage at the mall or generating a hundred-thousand dollars in student loan bills that I’ll never be able to pay off while I slog away for 50 years as an insurance claims processor.”

OJ Simpson finally finds the Real Killer: Joran Van der Sloot

 

By Lacy Thundercake

 

LIMA, PERU – Dutchman Joran Van der Sloot is only two land masses into his quest of murdering seven women on seven continents, and he’s already hit a snag: OJ Simpson.

Simpson, who was acquitted of killing his ex-wife Nicole and innocent bystander Ronald Goldman in 1994, vowed to one day catch the real killer. And, according to Simpson’s lawyer, that day is here. It’s none other than Joran Van der Sloot, (alleged) murderer of American Natalee Holloway.

Unfortunately for the former football star, both he and his quarry are incarcerated for separate crimes several thousand miles from each other.

Simpson is currently serving a 33-year sentence for kidnapping and armed robbery, while Van der Sloot is being held in connection with the murder of a 21-year-old Peruvian woman. Van der Sloot was seen on a security video entering a hotel room with the woman last week and emerging alone a few hours later. The woman was found dead.

Simpson’s lawyer, Shyster McShady, says his client is willing to let bygones be bygones.

“We just wanted to identify the real killer, not send him to prison,” says McShady. “After Joran is out of jail and finishes his little killing spree, we have a proposition for him.”

It is believed Simpson plans to pitch a sitcom about two criminals who miraculously get away with murder once but are so dumb they brazenly commit a second heinous crime and are caught.

It may be a while before the program hits the airwaves, though. Van der Sloot has yet to kill a woman in Antarctica, a task which is difficult, experts say, owing to the sparse population and lack of tourist hotels.

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