Transmissions from the alternate universe

Media Bias is invisible, but it’s real (because I can smell it)

Posted by oldancestor on June 7, 2010

Yes, it has a weird smell, just like my Uncle Moe. Not stinky, per se, just weird.


An Editorial by  Lennie


A hidden menace invading your home: Water!

A famous expression goes, “The news media don’t just tell you what to think, they tell you what to think while you’re driving.”

Well, I’m about to use the news media’s favorite tool against them, because I was driving yesterday and I started thinking about media bias. It happened when I was passing a store with a sign out front that said, “Buy 2, get 1 free.” I was going too fast to see what the item was, but I still thought, Hey, that’s a good deal.

But when I got home and turned on the TV, did I see any news coverage of it? No. It was day 40-whatever of talking about the oil spill in the Persian Gulf. DAY 40 WHATEVER! How long are we going to talk about something that happened such a long time ago? I’m beginning to think the news media aren’t fixing the leak just so they can keep talking about it. And maybe because they rented the underwater cameras for six months and want to get their money’s worth.

Eventually the news channel switched to a story about North Korea sinking a South Korean warship with a torpedo. I remember thinking, Hey, you never hear about North Dakota sinking a warship from South Dakota with a torpedo. Those folks from the Dakotas sure know how to get along, I said. Good for them.

Next story was about some Israeli pirates stealing a Turkish ship or something.

And that’s when it hit me. It hit me so hard I almost pooped my pants (which might make me smell a little more like Uncle Moe, if you know what I mean). I realized it’s all part of a vast conspiracy, the sudden knowledge of which flooded my thoughts like a tsunami of awareness: The news media only cover stories that happen on the water! Oils spills. Ships sinking. Pirates. It’s all right in front of you, folks.

Think about it. Water, like media bias, is invisible, except when it has things floating in it, like oil blobs, for example. Water tastes like nothing, looks like nothing, and goes unnoticed most of the time. It’s even in your body, like a massive parasite that takes up 70 percent of the space your body gets to displace, forcing the rest of you into a cramped 30 percent area.

Media bias IS water!

I’m not sure if that’s a metaphor or a simile, but it means media bias is everywhere, unnoticed yet pervasive. Why, even the phrase “mainstream media” has “stream” in it.

Streams are made of water, in case you didn’t get that connection.

For this reason I have decided to follow Uncle Moe’s example and stop bathing. That might explain his weird smell, now that I think about it. Kind of like cigar breath mixed with burnt plastic and the foot odor of an old blues guitarist.

America, you can count on me to report the truth. I’ll be patrolling the borders of North and South Dakota to record every ship sinking the mainstream media refuses to tell you about. That is… if the conspirators don’t get to me first. [No such luck – Ed.]

Facts about Media Bias:

  • “The News Media” is plural, making it sound weird in a sentence.
  • The singular of “media” is either “medium” or “median” (your choice), both of which have something to do with average or being in the middle. Considering how biased the news media are, maybe we should come up with a different word. Like “lying scum” for example.
  • You can tell someone is giving you the straight dope when she calls the mainstream media something funny like “lame-stream” media, or when she refuses to answer questions posed by a media attack dog like Katie Couric, even if they’re questions a baby can handle.


About the writer: Lennie is the only person in history to fail a Rorschach test, and he thinks you can’t see him when his eyes are closed.

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