Transmissions from the alternate universe

Lindsay Lohan STILL not dead… Megan Fox FIRED from Schindler’s List reboot… Plus: Underwear

Posted by oldancestor on June 4, 2010



By Lacy Thundercake


Lindsay Lohan parties the night away at a trendy Hollywood nightclub


HOLLYWOOD – In a two-week period that saw the celebrity deaths of heavy metal veteran Ronnie James Dio, Slipknot bassist Paul Gray, ‘Golden Girl’ Rue McClanahan, and acting legend Gary Coleman, plus another actor named Dennis Hopper, the Grim Reaper proved once again he’s got a soft spot for 23-year-old Ms. Lohan.

Maybe it’s her sweet blue-gray eyes or girl-next-door freckles, but the Reaper continues to spare the tabloid princess, despite her increasingly bizarre and self-destructive behavior.

“Being weird isn’t usually fatal,” argues Mr. Reaper, though that sounds to us like an excuse. After all, he didn’t seem to feel that way last year when he claimed hitmaker-turned-superfreak Michael Jackson.

Across the country this week, office workers are angry or giving up on ‘dead celebrity’ pools altogether.

“I’ve had Lindsay since the beginning of the year,” says copier salesman Pinky Middleton of CopyYourButt Inc. “I’m bleeding money here.”

Mr. Reaper isn’t swayed.

“Oh, come on,” he says. “Who’s going to make money playing those odds?”     


HOLLYWOOD – Raven-haired beauty Megan Fox has been fired from the new Schindler’s List reboot by director Steven Spielberg, leaving the future of the superhero franchise in doubt.

The original film featured Irish actor Liam Neeson in the title role, playing a factory owner inspired to save his workers from Nazi oppression. The remake was to have gone in an action-oriented direction, with Fox starring as Desiree Schindler, a fascist-fighting superbabe with a magic lasso and the power to turn into a flying robot.

Megan first caught the attention of producers last year when she likened Transformers director Michael Bay to Adolph Hitler.

“We like that she has experience with effects movies,” executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer said at the time Fox’s casting was announced. “And, based on her comments about Mr. Bay, it’s obvious she dislikes Nazis, which is important for this role.”

But that was before the outspoken Ms. Fox made some questionable public observations about the first Schindler’s List film and its director.

“I can’t believe it was black and white,” the actress told reporters last week. “I mean, are we in film school or something? And the German accents. Why would Germans speak English to each other with a German accent?”

She went on to say, “Maybe it was black and white because [Spielberg] lost so much money on Hook, he couldn’t afford color film. Have you seen Hook? It’s shocking that, after they watched the dailies at the end of the first day, they didn’t scrap the whole thing right then and there.”

A disappointed Spielberg pressed a button yesterday, making Fox’s career vanish.



LOS ANGELES – Much to the chagrin of tabloid journalists and purveyors of celebrity-skin websites, several young actresses, singers, and heiresses have started wearing underwear in limos and stopped (allegedly) smoking crack. Some are no longer shaving their heads or attacking cars.

Paris Hilton’s cootchie has not been seen in public in two years, and Britney Spears hasn’t displayed bizarre, freak-out behavior (or her cootchie) in nearly as long.

Some blame the crack shortage that has devastated Los Angeles this spring, but others put responsibility on an even more insidious trend: Listening to one’s publicist. Hollywood gossip mongers now believe publicists have been advising clients against making internet sex tapes and using hardcore drugs. Let’s just hope these young ladies don’t listen to such wretched advice for long.

No word on when politicians and athletes will find out cheating on their wives with nightclub strippers and porn stars might cause a career glitch.

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