THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

The truth behind Al and Tipper Gore’s split: Recycling

Posted by oldancestor on June 3, 2010

HE DUG HER A WELL AND BOUGHT HER A REFILLABLE STAINLESS STEEL WATER BOTTLE… BUT IT WASN’T ENOUGH

 

By Lacy Thundercake

Al and Tipper Gore in happier times (early Cretaceous)

Although friends of the Gores are feigning ignorance in public over the reasons for the couple’s split, they know what the rest of us will soon discover: At long last, Tipper cracked that eggshell.

Sources close to the former Vice President and his wife say Tipper has dreaded saying the wrong thing around Al for years, mostly for fear of receiving a two-hour-long, monotone lecture about wind turbines. Of late, though, Al was said to have been acting irritable and on edge, which is unusual for someone incapable of feeling emotion.

Then, late last week, the unthinkable happened.

Tipper said (allegedly, but it sounds true), “What’s with all the stupid numbers inside the recycling logo thingie? Can’t they just have two numbers? One for ‘yes, you can recycle it,’ and two for, ‘no, you can’t recycle it?’ ”

That was enough for the tiny-carbon-footprint bearing Democrat. A fly on the wall told this reporter Mr. Gore flew into a rage, calmly standing, retrieving his car keys in an orderly fashion, and taking even steps on his way outside. He then tore off down the highway at 55 M.P.H., checking all three mirrors and signaling before changing lanes.  

“He could only have a detached sense of affection for one thing at a time,” says a family friend, “and that thing right now is climate change legislation. Tipper could not be the environment, no matter how hard she tried.”

Despite appearances of a happy marriage, many Washington insiders believe the couple was doomed from the start. Like President Obama, Al Gore suffers from Bodysnatcher’s Syndrome (BS), a condition which drains the victim of personality. Named for its discoverer, Dr. Heinrich Bodysnatcher, the disease is incurable, though sufferers are sometimes able to behave as if they feel emotion when on the campaign trail. 51 % of marriages in which a partner has BS end in divorce, far above the national average for all couples of 50%.

Neither Mr. nor Mrs. Gore has made a public statement regarding their future together, but Al seems to have moved on. He is rumored to be auditioning for the role of Spock in the upcoming Star Trek sequel.

2 Responses to “The truth behind Al and Tipper Gore’s split: Recycling”

  1. jeanie said

    Hey Al- Now that you’re single- I’m a prius driving vegetarian with no offspring( talk about a low carbon footprint-it’s like a ladies size 4). I compost my food garbage and think that stainless steel water bottles make a wonderful christmas gift-interested?

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