Transmissions from the alternate universe

News round-up: Maybe if you’d been paying attention, we wouldn’t have to write this!

Posted by oldancestor on June 2, 2010

Rogue astronauts steal space shuttle Atlantis


This satellite image shows police space cruisers chasing down the stolen shuttle. At the bottom of the frame, Starsky and Hutch are seen joining the pursuit.

CAPE KENNEDY, FL – NASA suffered yet another embarrassment this weekend when outlaws made off with the space shuttle Atlantis in a bold nighttime theft. The craft, having just returned from its supposed final voyage, was left outside the hanger overnight, and when employees arrived for work on Saturday, it was gone.

“It’s a simple explanation,” said NASA spokesperson Clint Howard. “Apparently the pilot left the keys on the dashboard and the door unlocked. We’re reviewing security procedures to make sure nothing like this happens again.”

Fortunately for the taxpayer-funded agency, the thieves were later apprehended en route to the moon, where it is believed they planned to hide out in a secret cave. The pursuit and capture mission was conducted as a joint operation between the FBI and the Houston, Texas police department. Officials say the shuttle, which was impounded, will be returned to its hanger in Florida after law-enforcement authorities complete their investigation.

“We’re just glad no one was hurt,” said Howard, almost as if he meant it.

The incident is the latest in a series of blunders committed by the once-respected space agency.

Two weeks ago, NASA officials unveiled design plans for a new type of shuttle called Novolar, only to discover the name translates into Spanish as “No Fly.” And in February, a tape surfaced on the internet that appeared to show the space agency and porn actress Ragina Groinacre engaging in multiple rocket launches.

Sarah Palin builds fence around her house to keep out “Fake America”


WASILLA, AK – Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin had a fence installed around her property this week to prevent the encroachment of what she called “Fake America” onto her property.

The fence, 300-yards long if configured in a straight line, is a considerably scaled-down version of the one she proposed during the 2008 presidential campaign, when she ran for vice president on the losing GOP ticket. At the time, she called for the southern half of Virginia to be walled off from the north, with the fence eventually to be extended along the western border of Maryland, through the middle of Pennsylvania, and upward to Michigan, effectively cutting off the northeastern United States from the rest of the country.

Most fake Americans are thought to live in this region.

When questioned about the modification to her plan, Palin said, “With so many ordinary, real Americans like me struggling to make ends meet, I thought it wouldn’t be right to spend all that money on a big fence.”

She went on to say, “Fake America still knows where it is.”

Fake Americans are believed to read newspapers, care about their country too, and disagree with Sarah Palin.

Iraqi politician says he “misspoke” about having been a suicide bomber


BAGHDAD – In an incident that recalls Senate candidate Dick Blumenthal’s false claim of having fought in the Vietnam War, an Iraqi man running for mayor of Baghdad admitted this week he was not a former suicide bomber, contrary to what he’d stated numerous times on the campaign trail.

Tariq Al-Hassan, the candidate from the conservative “Death to Infidels” party, was at the grand opening of a Target superstore in the Sadr City neighborhood of Baghdad when a reporter asked, “If you had been a suicide bomber, wouldn’t you be dead right now?”

An embarrassed Al-Hassan tried to have the reporter beheaded, but the damage was already done. Faced with a firestorm of criticism and plunging poll numbers, the politician released a statement yesterday that read, “I apologize for having misspoken about my past recently. A member of my staff discovered I was not a suicide bomber but rather an auditor for Saddam Central Bank. I’ve had my campaign manager killed to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

Al-Hassan had been the favorite going into next month’s election against his rival, Sinbad the Sailor.      

2 Responses to “News round-up: Maybe if you’d been paying attention, we wouldn’t have to write this!”

  1. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    I would like to know how the yellow Mustang will help the police catch the shuttle thieves. Maybe it’s Bubble Bee, the Autobot. If it is the Transformer, then he should be ahead of the police van. Let’s face it, Transformers are far superior in chasing bad guys than cops.

    • Hey, we don’t make up the news, we just report it.


      If you want our opinion, the yellow mustang helps because when the bad guys see Starsky and Hutch in the rear-view mirror, they know the jig is up.

      Oh, and why isn’t it Bumble Bee? Because that would be soooooo fake.

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