THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Archive for May, 2010

Stocks tumble after Earth is destroyed in supercollider mishap

Posted by oldancestor on May 12, 2010

ATOM SMASHER MORE THAN JUST A “GIANT UNDERGROUND DONUT” AFTER ALL

By Eric J Baker

 

President Obama's ship surveys the black hole that was once our planet

NEW YORK – The Stock Market closed 600 points lower yesterday following news of an incident at the Large Hadron Supercollider in Switzerland. The drop is just the most recent example of market volatility that has plagued the NYSE this year and may prompt a Securities and Exchange Commission investigation.

Yesterday’s trouble began in the Supercollider control room when an employee, whose name has not been released, pushed the big red button on the main console. Witnesses say he tripped on a rubber floor mat and his hand inadvertently struck the cylindrical plunger, causing the Supercollider to fire.

The Earth was consumed by the ensuing black hole.

At a press conference later in the day, a beleaguered spokesperson for CERN, the organization that built the atom-smashing device, said, “The button was clearly marked ‘do not press under any circumstances,’ so what do you want me to say?”

She did promise a full investigation before declining further questions from reporters.

The S&P 500 and Dow Jones plunged precipitously as news of the disaster spread, and commodities trading was down.

“Anytime the unemployment rate goes from 9.8 percent to 100 percent, you’re going to see instability in the market,” said economist Nicolas Cage. “I’m advising people to look at real estate on the moon and Mars as the safest investment right now.”

Wall Street banking and investment executives acted swiftly in the face of the crisis, issuing themselves ten-million-dollar bonuses.

“My main goal is to financially rape ordinary citizens and do whatever possible to further destroy the country that gave me the opportunity to get this wealthy in the first place,” said executive Lou Ciphers, apparently not realizing he was wearing a Truth Helmet.      

Markets rebounded slightly at the end of the day when investors became aware the financial crisis in Greece no longer existed, nor did the country that spawned it.

President Obama, touring the wreckage of Earth in Spaceship One, declared the United States a pile of dust and called for a bipartisan effort to stabilize the economy.

“I will also introduce a new jobs bill,” said the President, “focusing on moon-colony construction. It’s time to get Americans back to work.”

Activists quickly took sides, with leftists demanding a moratorium on dark side of the moon oil drilling until the potential for wind-turbine energy can be assessed. Right wingers countered by calling Earth’s former satellite “a big ball of socialist government cheese” and declaring that protection from the sun’s radiation is unconstitutional.  

Stocks are expected to open higher today on news of rapid hiring in the gravity-boot industry.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

News Briefs/Boxers: A round-up of today’s most sensational stories from around the globe

Posted by oldancestor on May 11, 2010

Warning: This article contains a shocking  image that may disturb some readers. Proceed with caution.

 

“Preparation i” finally unveiled

 

UNITED STATES – It took almost 60 years, but Preparation i, the long-awaited upgrade from Preparation H, is set to hit store shelves this week.

“We’ve been the butt of a lot of jokes,” said Pinky Middleton, CEO of Pfizer, which manufactures the hemorrhoid ointment, “because it took us so long to get this done. But when you rush things, you end up with crap like Windows Vista and New Coke. We don’t want people to make fun of our product.”

The company has come under fire in recent years for its seemingly endless delays in getting the upgrade to the market. Preparations A through G were released less than two years apart, from 1941 to 1950, but since then Pfizer has been plagued by R&D and production problems, leading some to question Middleton’s stewardship of the brand. He promises Americans won’t have to wait so long for Preparation J, which the company expects to make available within five years.

“We’ve learned how to streamline the process,” he said.

The story is not without its tragic side, however.

While filming a special for VH1 entitled, Don’t Rub it in: a Going Away Party for Preparation H, reality TV show star Jon Gosselin accidentally fell into a tub of the topical cream and immediately began shrinking.

Paramedics work desperately to save reality TV star Jon Gosselin. He was later pronounced dead at the scene.

***

Changes in marriage laws lead to a dog marrying a human

DOG ISLAND – In the Dog Islands of the South Pacific, where the world’s only known breed of talking dog resides, growing controversy over a new, liberal marriage law threatens to turn violent. Angry crowds have been descending on the capitol city, Biscuitville, since a ceremony wedding a dog to a human was performed two days ago.

“I hope the liberals are happy,” barked a protestor identifying himself as Rover. “Marriage is defined by Dog as between two canines. This is a bone we’ve buried again and again, but the Supreme Kennel keeps digging it up.”

Prime Minister Spot, described by some as a “liberal firehound,” isn’t about to tuck his tail between his legs and run away.

“Dogs and humans deserve equal protection under the law and access to the same health coverage that dog-dog families have,” said the Prime Minister. 

Conservative rival Spike, who plans to challenge Spot in the next parliamentary election, responded by asking, “What’s next, a human marrying a human?”

***

Researchers discover most killers actually warm-blooded

AUSTRALIA – Researchers at Sydney University made a startling discovery this week when they learned that violent murderers, long thought cold-blooded, may actually have warm blood like the rest of us.

“This throws almost a hundred years of scientific precedent in the garbage,” said Nigel Johnson, a professor involved in the research. “It turns out killers most likely don’t bask in the sun before going on a rampage.”

He went on to say the findings would be a boon to law enforcement, but he did now specify how.

Readers may remember Dr. Johnson as the driving force behind a number of landmark studies.

In 2002, he authored the article, Landmarks: Is it better to ‘turn left at McDonalds’ or ‘turn left on Rt. 23?’ which was followed two years later by Landmarks II: Is it better to ‘turn right by Burger King’ or ‘turn right on County Road 601?’

Johnson is hoping to win a grant for further landmark studies.

“I’m really trying to get to the bottom of this landmark thing,” he said.

Posted in World News | Tagged: , , | 6 Comments »

Birth Control Pill turns 50; doesn’t need to take itself anymore

Posted by oldancestor on May 10, 2010

PILL’S ONE BIG REGRET: NOT HAVING KIDS

 

By Eric J Baker

The Pill, 50, relaxes at home. A big, very empty home.

This week marks the 50th anniversary of the birth control pill, which was first made available to the public in 1960. Despite having caused untold confusion over the years (it doesn’t do anything to control birth; it prevents pregnancy), women have been ingesting the little, round violators-of-God’s-will like Hershey’s Kisses since the day they hit the pharmacist’s shelf.

But while the Pill has brought joy to millions of fornicators around the world, it admits to feelings of emptiness.

“I’m fifty and wealthy beyond my wildest dreams,” says the Pill. “But it’s too late to have children now, and that leaves me hollow inside. I suppose I could adopt.”

Does a menopausal birth control pill lose some of its efficacy? We posed that question to pharmaceutical research scientist Seth Brundle, who was strangely evasive with his answer.

“What are you, freaking retarded?” he asked. “That doesn’t even make sense.”

Brundle’s reaction isn’t the only mystery surrounding the anniversary. Trojan Inc, the world’s bestselling brand of condoms, has formed an unlikely partnership in its efforts to undermine the success of the Pill: It’s now working alongside the Catholic Church.

“Yeah, the Pill’s great,” says Trojan spokesperson Hector Johnson. “Great if your name is ‘Gonorrhea.’”

When asked if the company will ever produce that elusive breakthrough condom that doesn’t feel like a slimy rubber sock choking off one’s manhood, Mr. Johnson said, “Like you’d know.”

“It’s not a strange as you think,” says Pope Benedict X of the alliance. “Our guy makes women from ribs, and their guy makes condoms WITH ribs! Ha. I’ll be here all week.”

After allowing crickets to chirp for a comedically appropriate length of time, the Pope said, “Seriously. Sex is disgusting and evil and you should be ashamed of yourselves for even thinking of it. You’re all going to Hell.”

If condoms have made life difficult for STDs, what of the Pill’s impact on honest, hard-working sperm?

“Do you know what it’s like to wake up thinking it’s Christmas morning, only to run downstairs and find out you slept through the whole thing? And your Jewish?” asks a spermatozoon calling himself “Burt.”

He went on to say, “Does that analogy even make sense? I’m operating on half a tank of DNA here, so sometimes I get a little confused.”

Those in the medical profession can’t help but continuing to open their yaps on the subject.

“Why is everyone making something out of nothing,” asks that pharma-jerk Dr. Brundle, who’s clearly insane or, at the very least, unethical.

“Sure, some women don’t respond well to birth control pills because it’s a medication and not all medications are right for all people,” he blathered. “But there are a lot of benefits to most women who take it. For example, it may help clear acne and often lessens the discomfort and intensity of the menstru-”

[Both the writer and I agree no one wants to know about ‘female trouble,’ so we’re cutting it here – Ed.]

Posted in Health and Living | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Editorial: It’s time to embrace Global Warning

Posted by oldancestor on May 7, 2010

AL GORE CAN SUCK IT

 

By Lennie

Al Gore thinks he's hiding in Canada, but it's only a MAP of Canada. Duh.

World, wake up. While we all squabble over petty issues like wars, joblessness, and, most ridiculously, the environment (What is an environment anyway? Can you tell me what one is shaped like or what color it is? Didn’t think so), a giant rock is floating out there in space somewhere with Earth’s name on it.

Note: I don’t mean the asteroid is called “Earth.” That would be dumb. And confusing.

When that rock hits, it will make… something really big that happened seem insignificant by comparison. Remember the movie Armageddon? Imagine that, only (SPOILER ALERT) the good guys don’t destroy the asteroid at the end. It. Destroys. Us.

Yet, somehow, most of the world’s scientists are against Global Warning! That makes science the lamest thing ever. In fact, they warn us about it. If that’s not irony, I don’t know what is.

Note: Is it irony? I’m seriously asking, because I’m not sure.

My uncle Moe says there is a 114% chance the Earth will be struck by an asteroid sometime in the next 100 years, because they hit us once every 65 million years, and that’s exactly how long ago the dinosaurs were killed by the last one. But Uncle Moe isn’t a scientist, so we shouldn’t listen to him and just let the asteroid hit us. Right?

Sure, Global Warning will be expensive (at least a hundred bucks), but think of the benefits. Obviously, if the whole world knows an asteroid is coming, we can band together and build a giant missile to shoot it down before it’s too late. Hell, you can have the parts from my Chevy if that’ll help (the one in the barn, the ‘79 Nova, not my Cobalt).

Some may think this far fetched, but I saw a movie once (Invasion of the Astro Monster) about a planet, called X (really, it was called X. That’s not a placeholder I forgot to take out), that was right behind Jupiter, but we couldn’t see it because Jupiter is so big. Though, to tell the truth, Jupiter doesn’t look that big in photographs. Maybe if they had someone stand next to it… Anyway, the seemingly friendly aliens from X ended up invading Earth. Wouldn’t Global Warning give us a fighting chance at least?

I tried to contact former presidential candidate Al Gore, public enemy number one, and offer him the chance to write a counterpoint but, not surprisingly, he did not take my call (because he’s chickenpoop).

Anyway, write your local senator and demand Global Warning today!

Opinionoid: Asteroids travel at 10 times the speed of light, obliterating everything in their paths

Opinionoid: The cost of Global Warning is easily offset if you do some math

Opinionoid: The moon is there to block asteroids, and it’s done a pretty damn good job so far, don’t you think? Look at all the craters. That could have been your face.

Note: My editor tells me that it’s called Global Warming, but I told him there’s no such thing. He said he was going to run my editorial anyway, to show the world what a idoit I am. Well, who’s the idoit now, boss?

About the writer: Lennie is a moron who runs a one-man commercial dandelion farm and waits for the postal truck to come every day so he can ask for a free rubber band.

Posted in Editorial | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Obama’s new jobs plan: Unemployed to be frozen, thawed when economy improves

Posted by oldancestor on May 6, 2010

ELITE FEW TO BE SENT INTO SPACE INSIDE HOLLOWED ASTEROID

 

By Eric J Baker

 

NASA astronauts prepare to turn asteroid into Space Ark

WASHINGTON – At a White House press briefing this morning, President Obama announced a new plan to help out-of-work Americans get by until the economy improves: He’s calling for the unemployed to be cryogenically frozen and awakened only when suitable jobs become available. The program will be run on a first-frozen/first-thawed basis and is expected to be paid for with leftover TARP funds.

“Thanks to advances in science,” the President said, “Americans now have more job flexibility than ever before.”

The Department of Labor (DOL) estimates most people will only be ‘on ice’ for six months to two years. According to DOL spokesperson Vernita Biscuitbarrel, “Many of you won’t even miss the Super Bowl.” Though, she later added, “People should probably set their DVR just in case.”

Those formerly employed in manufacturing and technology jobs that have been outsourced to Asia face the longest freeze times. Economists expect such individuals will be activated around 2085, when the US is due to become a third-world country and India and China have to outsource those jobs back here.

The President’s announcement was met with immediate backlash.

“Why don’t they freeze up all them Meskins that’s takin’ the good jobs?” asked Skeeter Bandy, 37, at a political rally for arch-conservative radio host and congressional candidate Jock Bloat. “And you might as well do all the faygs while yer at it.”

“I find Mr. Bandy’s comments reprehensible,” said candidate Bloat as he accepted Mr. Bandy’s campaign donation. “I want all the Mexicans and gays to know I value their vote as well, even if God hates them.”

It could not be independently confirmed if Bloat is authorized to speak on behalf of a deity.

The technology of cryogenics has come a long way in the past three hundred years. The original chambers were about the size of a bus and featured glass lids. Early experiments often met with tragedy, as chambers were placed in caves and frequently destroyed by falling stalactites. Also, with cave temperatures not nearly cold enough to freeze a human being, those participants who weren’t killed often suffered from extreme boredom.

Today’s unemployed Americans can look forward to much more streamlined, comfortable units.

“You just press the green button,” said scientist and designer Ron Popeil, demonstrating the pill-shaped device to reporters, who cheered. “As soon as you hear a ‘thwunk’ the person is frozen. To thaw, just press it again!”

Recently revived businessman Walter Disney had nothing but positive things to say.

“Never felt better,” he said before commencing his stoutness exercises.

A second phase of Obama’s plan, which some feel was added to win Republican support in Congress, involves the hollowing of an asteroid to make room for thousands of cryogenic chambers. The massive rock will then be outfitted with ion engines and launched into deep space in the hopes that its onboard ‘sleepers’ can find jobs on another planet.

As practical and plausible as this project may seem, there is a problem.

“We have plenty of money to buy all the freezing chambers and prepare the asteroid,” says NASA engineer Roopvhan Arpawashowani, “but we have no one to do the work. It’s a shame, because it’s easy and pays well.”

Even earthbound cryogenics programs are hitting a snag: A shortage of workers to build and operate the equipment.

“Sometimes there’s just no answer,” admits Arpawashowani.

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Domestic annoyist attempts to stink up Times Square with fertilizer

Posted by oldancestor on May 5, 2010

GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES NEW WARNING SYSTEM

 

By Eric J Baker

 

New York, site of the attempted attack, is bigger than this map suggests

NEW YORK – FBI agents thwarted an annoyist attack in Manhattan yesterday, arresting a man just as he was about to dump a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer onto the sidewalk. If the attempt had been successful, hundreds or even thousands of pedestrians would have grimaced, or worse.

The man, identified by the FBI as 40-year-old Muslim-Catholic F. Azziz-O’Rourke of Jersey City, is thought to have acted alone. Local authorities became suspicious and called in federal agents when they noticed a farm tractor hauling a wagon southbound on Seventh Avenue. The cargo was initially thought to be a bomb made from fertilizer but turned out to be just fertilizer.

“I was terrified,” said Park Avenue resident Courtney Rockefeller-Trump, who witnessed the arrest. “My sweater is cashmere. What if some of that [expletive] had gotten on it?”

Several bystanders quoted an NYPD officer at the scene saying, “There’s nothing to see here,” and “move along.”

Neighbors in Azziz-O’Rourke’s apartment feigned disinterest when questioned, though many were likely hiding deep feelings of shock and vulnerability. He was a man most of them trusted around their children, possibly.

“Azziz? Who the hell is that?” said a man in the next-door apartment who declined to give his name. When shown a photograph, he insisted on continuing the charade. “Nope.”

Neighbor Mira Goldstein remembers a chilling encounter with the would-be annoyist.

“That’s the [expletive] who took my laundry out of the washer downstairs and left it on a dirty table,” she said, adding, “I hope they hang him.”

In an eerie coincidence, the federal government chose yesterday to unveil to reporters its latest public alert system, which is meant to replace the previous color-coded warnings implemented following the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Americans may recall the threat level often became stuck on Orange (elevated), particularly around election time.

“People complained that the color coding didn’t really provide any practical value,” said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano at the press conference. “This time, we’re offering recommendations.”

An image of the chart taken with a Hardy Boys’ Super Neato Spy Camera appears below.

Not-at-all illegally obtained copy of new "threat" chart.

When pressed for further information, Secretary Napolitano admitted her department created the new alert system in order to continue receiving funding for new alert systems.

“If you actually try to improve efficiency and spend less money in Washington, they run you out of town,” she said moments before removing a flask from her purse and taking a swig of what can only be assumed was ‘Keep-America-Safe’ juice.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Study shows tinfoil hats DO protect against government conspiracies

Posted by oldancestor on May 4, 2010

REYNOLD’S WRAP SALES SKYROCKET

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Former Vice President Dick Cheney behind bars

PRINCETON – It turns out that hats constructed of tinfoil do indeed help wearers avoid being fooled by government conspiracies, according to a Princeton University study published in the American Journal of Science this week. There had long been anecdotal evidence to suggest as much, but this is the first hard scientific data that appears to confirm the belief.

In the study, researchers had volunteers do some stuff while grad students wrote it down and compared things. The results were startling.  

“We tried many variations, and we found the most effective barrier against secret mind-control waves is two layers of tinfoil with a thin, even spread of mayonnaise between,” said Dr. Herbert West, the lead researcher. “Any thicker and the wearer’s own psychic energy cannot evaporate properly, sometimes leading to schizophrenic-like behavior.”

Reaction on fake college campuses was mixed.

“How do we know it’s not a trick?” said Pinky Middleton, a University of Phoenix Online junior majoring in abnormal psychology. “How can WE trust THEM when THEY’RE the ones controlling the message? I wouldn’t be surprised if the tinfoil actually acts as a conductor, turning the wearer into a soulless automaton ready to do the bloodthirsty bidding of malevolent government overlords.”

Middleton declined to be interviewed further when voices told him we were eleven demons named William Howard Taft. However, he was willing to write a note stating the rest of his answer will appear in his manifesto. The 21-year-old then began wrapping himself in Glad Press ‘n Seal.

In contrast, London-based author and anthropologist Mr. Gruber was encouraged by the study’s findings.

“This will make an excellent addition to my book, The World and its Wonders,” he said.

But will the recent discovery resonate beyond the stately lecture halls and grassy fields of academe? Some think it already has.

Two Washington lawmakers, Barney Palpatine (R-AZ) and Todd Maul (D-CA) have formed a bipartisan group called Senators in Tinfoil Hats (SiTH) and say they plan to create a clone army restore order to the US Senate. 

“@&^$*# tinfoil!” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, who’s currently serving a 35-year sentence at Maryland State Penitentiary for masterminding the September 11th, 2001 bombing of the Pentagon.

“We were this close to getting away with it, but that twerp Middleton with his tinfoil hat had to rat us out.”

Americans may recall that then Vice-President Cheney detonated a bomb at the Pentagon but accused foreign terrorists of crashing a plane into the building. Despite no photographic evidence, most were fooled until a small number of tinfoil-hat proponents came forward to challenge the official explanation. President George W. Bush endured a very public humiliation at the time, as he had previously claimed the accusations against Cheney were part of a “vast left-wing conspiracy.”

“Tinfoil has a great many applications beyond preventing brainwashing,” affirms Dr. West at Princeton, who also serves on the board of directors for Reynolds Wrap Inc, though he promises it’s not a conflict of interest. “For example, if you cover your head in about ten layers of the stuff during a solar eclipse, you won’t suffer ocular damage. Don’t forget the air hole, though.”   

Researchers plan a follow-up study to determine if tinfoil hats cause wearers to misspell words on protest signs.

Posted in Health and Living | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Arizona passes harsh ‘anti-harsh law’ law

Posted by oldancestor on May 3, 2010

MCCAIN PROPOSES PUTTING JAPANESE IN INTERMENT CAMPS

 

By Eric J Baker

 

PHOENIX – In response to recent controversy over the state’s harsh anti-immigration law, Arizona lawmakers have passed tough new legislation that prevents further passage of tough new legislation in the state.

“This ought to put a stop to the nonsense,” said Governor Jan Brewer at a press conference in Phoenix yesterday. “Any state legislator who tries to make Arizona look intolerant and fascistic to the rest of the country will be taken outside and shot in the back of the head, no questions asked.”

However, a provision of the law allows for the accused party to challenge his accuser to a gun duel in the streets.

Proponents are hailing the return of frontier justice.

Said Tombstone Mayor Ashleigh Clanton, “Arizona was founded on people killing people without due process, and it’s high time we got back to that.”

Invoking executive privilege, Clanton ordered the city’s streets unpaved and the police to abandon DNA testing and computer databases in favor of tacking up wanted posters. Local officials who had hoped to overturn the ruling were killed by Clanton’s gang in a gunfight at the OK Corral late last night.

An eyewitness from Florida, believing the shootout was a tourist attraction, said, “The animatronics were ‘meh.’”

In Washington, President Obama praised Arizona’s newest new legislation.

“The only way to defeat a draconian law is with an even bigger draconian law,” said the President. “Somehow, out of all this mess, I hope, someone, somewhere, will benefit. A regular person, though. Not a big, greedy bank.”

Arizona Senator John McCain called his own press conference for noon yesterday, showing up in the early evening after driving around lost and befuddled for several hours, convinced he was going to a convenience store to buy milk.

“My friends, enacting laws on top of laws on top of laws isn’t going to solve the problems of illegal immigration,” said the Republican Senator, who has stoked controversy many times in his political career for taking stances unpopular with conservative voters.

He went on to say, “It’s the Japs. You don’t know which ones you can trust. We’ve got to round them up so we can keep an eye on them.”

After the senator shouted “incoming,” and dove under the stage, McCain’s daughter Meghan stepped to the podium and answered questions. Several male reporters in the room were believed to have thought, va voom!

“I think Senator McCain is right,” said Arizona resident and third-generation Hispanic-American John Ramirez. “It’s the Japs.”

As violence spilled onto the streets of Arizona cities and hundreds were killed in shootouts, the entertainment industry was quick to sit up and take notice. Production is already underway on volumes one through three of the DVD series Girls Gone Violent, which will feature drunken college girls engaging in gun duels while topless.

Tom Bergeron, host of the hit reality television show America’s Funniest Legislation said, “Keep passing those laws, Arizona. You could win ten or even a hundred-thousand dollars!”         

In international news, Mexican lawmakers have proposed building a security fence along the border between Mexico and Arizona to block the expected flood of refugees.

Posted in Breaking News! | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Free oil a gift from the ocean gods

Posted by oldancestor on May 1, 2010

ENERGY INDEPENDENCE AT LAST!

 

By Eric J Baker

 

GULF OF MEXICO – The Gods are angry at OPEC.

What else can explain the sudden appearance of free oil in the Gulf of Mexico? Thousands of gallons of “black gold” have been bubbling up from the depths for days and, in a further boon to America’s budding energy independence, it is likely to deliver itself right to our shores.

The influx of oil should not only save Americans money at the pump this summer, but, as tax payers, we will all benefit from government cutbacks in now-unnecessary offshore drilling programs.

Economists predict thousands of jobs are likely to be created, given the current shortage of professional bird washers. Manufacturers of sea-animal scrubbing kits are already upping production and anticipate a profitable second quarter.

The Obama administration took these events as a sign America is on the right track. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters yesterday, “Thanks to the President’s temple-building and statue-carving initiatives, not only are more Americans back at work, but the sea gods are happy, obviously.”

President Obama is now expected to focus on appeasing the sun gods. A successful effort there should help jump start the administration’s oft-delayed solar-energy program. 

For once, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin was supportive of the President. She has long been a proponent of bizarre, cultish rituals.

“Kill, baby kill!” Palin told cheering supporters at an animal-sacrifice event today. The best-selling author opened festivities by cutting the throat of an ox to show those present that we all share responsibility in civic affairs.

Despite the apparent windfall, some Americans are sounding a warning siren.

“This sets the country down a potentially dangerous path,” says Pinky Middleton, spokesperson for Americans United, an organization that advocates the separation of church and state. “When you suck up to one god, you run the risk of pissing off another.”

“C’ maaahn,” responds Bill O’Reilly, host of the popular TV show The O’Reilly Factor on Fox News. “The guy’s a pinhead.”

O’Reilly adds, “If what [Middleton] said were true, why are the snow gods giving us free giant ice-cubes? It looks like some of them are trying to appease us.”

It is believed he was referring to the breaking up of polar ice caps, which has freed huge chunks of frozen freshwater long imprisoned in the arctic and well beyond the reach of ordinary iced-tea drinkers. Until now.

With the oil supply in the Gulf of Mexico now rivaling that of the Persian Gulf, residents near the world’s other, less popular gulfs are scrambling to win heavenly favor by sacrificing first-born children and burning giant wicker men. In extreme cases, some are even searching for less-crappy gods. Books on Greek and Roman mythology are flying off the shelves at Gulf of Thailand bookstores, and India’s Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has gone so far as to propose renaming the Bay of Bengal the Gulf of Bengal.

“We have the gods,” a confident Singh told reporters in Mumbai yesterday. “We just need the gulf.”

For now, the Obama administration is not concerned with any of that, as they face a graver threat at home: A sea-faring terrorist organization calling itself “The Coast Guard” has threatened to set the oil on fire if their demands for knee socks aren’t met.

The president has suggested a compromise, granting temporary, limited amnesty that allows the white-clad pirates ashore to shop for socks at Wal-Mart.

Posted in Science | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »