Transmissions from the alternate universe

Scientists PROVE that you’re always right and everyone who disagrees with you is an idiot

Posted by oldancestor on May 28, 2010

Go ahead. Leave that insulting internet comment trashing this article’s writer or the person who commented before you. And do so with a feeling of righteousness. You earned it.


By Eric J Baker



PRINCETON – Researchers at Princeton University say they’ve found definitive proof no one knows what the hell they’re talking about but you. Results of the comprehensive study appear in this week’s issue of American Science Journal.

Says behavioral scientist Dr. Hans Gruber, who led the project, “Our findings clearly show that people who don’t agree with you are indeed mindless fools brainwashed by any number of agenda-driven entities such as the left-wing media, the right-wing media, the Obama administration, the Bush administration, crappy sports writers, oil companies, vegetarians, and Star Trek or Star Wars, depending on which you think is superior.”

Knee-jerk reactionaries across the nation rejoiced at the news.

“Finally, the ammo I need to shut those [expletive] morons up once and for all,” says internet user Pinky Middleton, who claims to have posted over 800,000 angry, all-caps comments on Yahoo. “I’ve been telling people I don’t have to learn anything about a subject to be an expert, and this proves I’m right. But I knew that.”

Liberals and conservatives were quick to claim victory. In a rare joint appearance yesterday, MSNBC’s ranting Obama lover Keith Olbermann and Fox News’ ranting Obama hater Sean Hannity pointed at each other and said, in unison, “See, I told you he was an idiot.”

Perhaps the greatest beneficiary is former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, who no longer has to hurt her brain trying to find countries on a map or struggle to answer questions meant for a five-year-old.

“It’s the end of gotcha journalism,” said a visibly jubilant Palin. “[Expletive] you, Katie Couric.”  

Palin also said that, going forward, she will drop all references to reality from her speeches.

News of the study quickly resonated beyond the world of politics.

Militant atheist and prolific author Richard Dawkins said last night on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Mahar, “Once again, science proves that religious people are sniveling, groping, mindless stooges with nary a brain cell to share between them. In fact, they are so wretchedly stupid that I’m going to write another book about genetics. They are soooo dumb I am forced to explain to them every stillborn thought rotting inside their little shrunken-apple heads.”

A frustrated Dawkins went on to say he can’t understand why he has yet to convert a single religious person to atheism.

In response, some random evangelical guy said, “God wanted him to say that. Now excuse me while I go cherry pick one or two slivers of scientific data, wholly out of context, to prove the Earth is only 6000 years old.”   

So, do the results of Princeton University’s study mean the end of irrefutable facts?

“Only a brainwashed idiot would ask a question like that,” says Dr. Gruber. “What? Did you go to Harvard or something? Yale?”

He went on to say, “Moron.”

2 Responses to “Scientists PROVE that you’re always right and everyone who disagrees with you is an idiot”

  1. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    I knew it all along. I’m the only sane/rational/omniscient creature on the planet. Also, Galileo Galilei was completely wrong. The Earth does not revolve around the sun. It revolves around me. I can prove it to you. Every time I wake up the sun is there to greet me in my mornings and when I want to sleep, here comes the moon.

    I’m glad I can clear things up. Carry on, my bottom-dwellers.

  2. The above message is an excerpt from the new bestseller,”Canterbury Tales II: Revenge of the Friars,” available in fine bookstores everywhere.

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