Transmissions from the alternate universe

News Round-up: The last person who didn’t read this was eaten by sharks!

Posted by oldancestor on May 26, 2010

People Magazine: North Korea Edition names Kim Jong Il “Sexist Man Alive”


PYONGYANG – People: North Korea has once again named Kim Jong Il the Sexist Man Alive. It’s the 16th consecutive year the diminutive dictator has won the honor.

Said People’s North Korean editor Shim Lee Park, “The brave and noble citizens of the People’s Republic have spoken from their hearts by making this unanimous choice.”

Kim garnered 100% of the vote in the small East Asian nation, with all 27 million citizens having participated in the online poll, despite many lacking internet connection.

“It just shows you how devoted and unified the loyal citizens of the People’s Republic are in the face of threats from all the wicked and evil enemies bent on our destruction,” said Shim.

The magazine also named Kim Jong Il “the most glorious, perfect, unerring, godlike, yet humble leader in the world” and owner of the “most phat hairstyle.”

Suspense is already building over who will win next year’s poll.

Several new species of black, shiny fish discovered in Gulf of Mexico

            NEW ORLEANS – Scientists from the University of Louisiana were stunned this week to find a number of previously unknown fish species existing so close to America’s shores. Strangely, the discovery was made not by marine biologists but by engineers from BP, an oil company conducting a series of bizarre experiments on the sea floor in the Gulf of Mexico.

“These animals are very similar to species we already know,” said university researcher Herbert West, “but with strange mutations. I guess those futile, comically inept science experiments BP was conducting were good for something.”

BP has come under scrutiny on recent weeks for wasting time putting a bunch of bendy things, giant boxes, and hoses in the subtropical gulf waters instead of looking for oil.

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin came to the company’s defense yesterday, claiming, “The discovery of new species and plants are just one of the many benefits of offshore drilling.”

Scientists believe these are the first fish that can lower your cholesterol and keep your engine running smoothly.

Rand Paul opposes slavery, pretty much

FRANKFORT, KY – Kentucky’s GOP senate hopeful Rand Paul said in a TV interview yesterday he thought slavery was generally not good, for the most part.

“Of course I oppose slavery as a concept,” Paul told MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. “But I also support the right of individuals to spend their money as they see fit.”

When asked by Maddow if that meant he thought rich, white men should be able to buy people, Paul held his palms out and said, “Well…”

The former eye doctor has gone on record recently saying he supports the Civil Rights Act of 1964 in an abstract sense but doesn’t think it should be enforced. In a CNN interview last month, he said burning people at the stake for being gay is “a little too harsh,” preferring a less painful method of execution.

Paul hopes to win Kentucky’s vacant Senate seat in the midterm elections this November.

2 Responses to “News Round-up: The last person who didn’t read this was eaten by sharks!”

  1. art vandolay said

    I happen to think Kim Jong Il is a very attractive man. Not that I’m gay or anything. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I don’t appreciate your slanderous comments.
    Long live the sexiest, most glorious, perfect, unerring,and godlike…Kim. (wait a minute..isn’t Kim a girls name??)

  2. Not if you were born on a Mississippi river boat somewhere near Kentucky.

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