Transmissions from the alternate universe

Lost’s truth revealed: Island was Gamera the Flying Turtle

Posted by oldancestor on May 24, 2010

By Lacy Thundercake


The Big Payoff: The climax of Lost's series finale.

It seems most Lost viewers were right.

Despite the best efforts of producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to guard the secret beforehand, we learned in the series finale last night the Island was indeed Gamera the Flying Turtle, as many had suspected.

The truth was revealed in the climactic scene when the Man in Black AKA the Smoke Monster joined forces with Decepticon Ben and morphed into Super Space Giant Robot X14. As SSGRX14 was about to blast Jack Shephard and gang with its rainbow death ray, the Island rose up, shedding its rocks and trees and issuing the familiar elephantine roar of the heroic monster Gamera.

The giant flying turtle carefully placed the losties on its scaly back and engaged in an epic showdown that ended when SSGRX14 was heaved into space. Gamera then lifted off and rocketed our heroes to safety in Tokyo. The last shot faded with MiB/Space Robot on the moon, shaking its fist toward earth and vowing revenge.

It was an emotionally satisfying conclusion to a unique show that has held millions captivated since it debuted six years ago.     

“I knew they had a plan all along,” said Lost’s fan club president Pinky Middleton. “This explains all the mysteries going back to the very first episode.”

“Gamera loves children!” added an enthusiastic Kenji Takarada, 6, of Okinawa, Japan.

When people look back on Lost in the years to come, many will no doubt rank this final episode amongst the best series conclusions of all time.

Who can forget the gripping end of The Love Boat, when the Pacific Princess struck an iceberg, broke in half, and sank, taking Captain Stubing, Gopher, Isaac, Doc, Julie, and Jack Dawson down with it? Or the finale of M*A*S*H, which ended with Hawkeye, BJ, Hot Lips, and Klinger sentenced to a year in prison for failing to come to the aid of a crime victim, a scenario which gave producers an opportunity to trot out viewers’ favorite characters from throughout the series for the courtroom sequences.

Other popular shows have closed with confusing or poorly written episodes that left fans bitter.

Perhaps most notable was the resolution of the mega-hit Friends, which saw the character Ross contracting rabies then murdering Rachel, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey. The bulk of the hour-long episode consisted of gruesome torture scenes and frequent close-ups of an increasingly unhinged David Schwimmer tormenting his frightened captives, replete with foaming mouth and cloudy, white eyeballs. Despite almost universal hatred for the broadcast, Schwimmer won an Emmy for his performance as well as an MTV award for “Best TV Psycho.” The accolades helped him land the part of “Jigsaw” in the Saw horror franchise.

Rumors are swirling about the upcoming final episode of Law and Order, which was recently cancelled by NBC after a 20-year run. A leaked copy of the script posted online ends with an unnamed character waking up, realizing the whole series was a dream, then finding out he’s dead, then finding out it wasn’t a dream, he’s not dead, but he is in hell. Only time will tell if fans think the resolution is an artistic wonder or a craptastic blunder.

So what’s next for Lost producers Cuse and Lindelof? TV insiders say they plan to create a sequel of sorts, featuring a group of space travelers on a trip to Jupiter who inexplicably find themselves lights years away amidst a wilderness of uncharted planets. The show is tentatively titled Lost, in Space.


9 Responses to “Lost’s truth revealed: Island was Gamera the Flying Turtle”

  1. Jeremy Bentham said

    I think the real lesson is that vigilante justice will grant you access to paradise. Kate and Sawyer did murder people in cold blood in their quests for vengeance. Sayid the torturer? Check. Jin the mafia hechman? You can pass. Daniel Faraday? Oh, sorry Mr. Faraday, but heaven is no place for scientists. You’ll have to wait outside. And take your red-headed friend with you.

  2. As any regular reader of this news journal can attest, scientists are pure evil.

    Wait a minute. Michael killed people and they didn’t let him go to heaven. Is this a black thing?

    What? I’m talking about the Man in Black.

  3. art vandolay said

    OMG, is there nothing you can’t turn into a Godzilla-related reference?

    • Duh, Godzilla is produced by Toho studios and Gamera is produced by Daiei. Everybody knows that.

      **notices a couple of the ladies passing by**

      Uh, I mean, uh. Yeah, we can play rugby later. Name a time.

  4. jeanie said

    What happened to the dog?

  5. He quit acting and got a job driving a forklift.

  6. Hah I am honestly the only reply to your great writing.

  7. I’ve never been made fun of and complimented at the same time.

    I feel dirty.

  8. The Guy Who Just Wasted 5 Minutes said

    This was the dumbest thing I’ve ever read. I want 5 minutes of my life back.

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