Transmissions from the alternate universe

News round up: This week’s top stories make last week’s top stories look like complete crap!

Posted by oldancestor on May 19, 2010

Jennifer Aniston denies eating babies


Jennier Aniston seen relaxing at home. She denies all baby rumors.

LOS ANGELES – A-list actress Jennifer Aniston was embroiled in controversy this week when reports surfaced she eats baby food to stay thin, a claim at which she later scoffed.    

But that was before investigative reporters found the skeletons of two infants in Aniston’s trash can outside her Malibu home. A publicist for the Leprechaun star (really) said the bones were already in the house when she moved in, and she had “just gotten around” to disposing of them.

However, forensics experts who examined the remains said the infants were alive as recently as three weeks ago. In other words, about how long it takes to eat two babies.

There is no word yet on when charges might be filed.

 Until then, we can only wonder why an actress, who’s so famous her weird last name isn’t even flagged by Microsoft spellcheckers, would eat babies to stay trim rather than simply exercise. Perhaps there really is no such thing as bad publicity.

Conflict escalating in a country no one can spell, much less pronounce

KYRGYZSTAN – Angry protestors stormed the capitol building in Byshkk this week, demanding the government take action to address the ongoing shortage of vowels in the small, somewherish nation. President Jyhnythyn Myllyr continues to blame militant rebels, but many citizens feel that excuse has worn thin.

“We’re out here suffering while the president and his cronies live like kings,” said protestor Pynky Myddltyn. “I’m tired of hearing how it’s the rebels’ fault. Why should we believe that?”

Rebel leader Hooowaaard Viiiilaaaniiii has repeatedly denied his group is responsible for hoarding the missing vowels.

“We’re fighting for the people of Kyrgyzstan to end the oppression,” said Viiiilaaaniiii. “I’m a folk hero. Would a folk hero lie? HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!!”

Several nations in the region, including Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Uzbekistan, also end in “stan.”

Albinos sued for lack of diversity

KENYA – It looks like oppression at the hands of Albinos may finally be coming to an end.

A class-action suit has been brought against the pigment-shunning group by a broad coalition of blacks, Europeans, Hispanics, and East-Asians demanding inclusion into the “all-white” country club.

In a statement released to the press, a lawyer for the coalition said, “This isn’t about money. My clients simply want the right to call themselves albino. Why should people feel ostracized merely for having skin that’s a few shades too dark?”

The coalition is said to be asking for reparations in the amount of five hundred millions dollars.

“I’m sick of feeling like a second-class citizen in this world,” said Bradford Wainwright IV of Beverly Hills, CA, who decided to join the lawsuit while spending the weekend in Paris.

At a press conference yesterday, a spokesperson for the Albinos said, “Help. I need vitamin D.”

Contrary to popular belief, your dad’s legs are not albino.

One Response to “News round up: This week’s top stories make last week’s top stories look like complete crap!”

  1. […] News round-up: This week’s top stories make last week’s top stories look like complete crap! view here […]

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