Transmissions from the alternate universe

Editorial: 3 Reasons Why Elena Kagan is Dangerous for America

Posted by oldancestor on May 18, 2010



By Lennie


President Obama introduces Elena Kagan to a bunch of reporters who probably hate baseball and apple pie but love Josef Stalin

President Obama has just faced one of the most important decisions a dictator can make: Who to nominate for the Supreme Court. And he failed miserably, just like he did during Hurricane Katrina in 2005 and the recession in 2008 (nice bumper stickers by the way, ‘Obama 08’ people. I wouldn’t brag about that year).

Considering the person who fills the role of Supreme Court Justice is in office for 75 years, one would expect a president to put at least a little thought into it. But today’s MTV watching, Nintendo-obsessed generation has no patience for analysis and critical judgment, so this president, in his quest for instant gratification, clearly picked the first name that came across his desk. I’ll illustrate my point using what I call “a list.”

1. Elena Kagan is too short for the court

Sure, Justice John Stevens is 99 years old and his knees are gimpy, but he had one of the best three-point shots in history. And we know, come playoff time, he’ll make the sacrifices necessary to win.

Kagan, on the other hand, is about five feet tall. That doesn’t work in today’s game. She might have a few inside moves, but if she is forced into a perimeter game, it’s all over. Not only does this screw up my fantasy league, but the court will become a laughing stock.

I’m sorry to rely on these two overused words, Mr. President, but: This is Epic Fail (“This” and “is” are way overused. They’re like, all over books and dictionaries).

2. Elena Kagan is using the Supreme Court as a stepping stone

With her big white teeth and fake-friendly smile, Judge Kagan is clearly jockeying for attention from Hollywood producers. You know what other judge she reminds me of? Judge Reinhold. He preferred acting in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Beverly Hills Cop to interpreting the rule of law. In fact, I can’t even remember when he was on the Supreme Court.

I know a Supreme Court justice probably does something important, so maybe Kagan should, I don’t know, take it seriously.

3. Elena Kagan has a law degree from Harvard, or maybe she worked there

My uncle Moe says you don’t need no fancy law degree from a hoity-toity school to know right from wrong, and that’s good enough for me.

Of course, if Obama hadn’t laid off Justice Stevens in the first place, we wouldn’t have to worry about any of this. A president has the power to create millions of jobs at the stroke of a pen, yet we sit idle while good judges are sent packing in favor of some wannabe starlet.

What we need is a government with checks and balances like they have in England. But I suppose that makes me a Socialist.

Supreme Court facts:

Taco Bell honors the Supreme Court everyday by offering the “Chalupa Supreme.”  I’m not sure what kind of court the “Baja” is. Maybe that’s Mexican for Supreme.

Supreme Court justices dress in black to honor those killed in the War of 1812, when the Germans bombed Washington DC.

The seven-member court is evenly split between men and women. The men vote on men things like guns and sports while the women vote on women things like children and cats.

About the writer: Lennie is a complete idiot whose depths of stupidity defy description

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