Transmissions from the alternate universe

Is your favorite TV show on the chopping block? Find out here!

Posted by oldancestor on May 17, 2010

Twelve series at risk of cancellation

By Lacy Thundercake

Kate Gosselin, photographed with NASA’s Inner-Being-Finder telescope

It’s that time of year again. The television season is winding down, and producers, actors, and production staffers must now wait with nail-biting anxiety while the networks decide which shows get renewed and which are cancelled. Worse, many TV watchers suffer the wrenching anguish of finding out they have no reason to live anymore.

The fate of these twelve ratings-challenged shows lies in the hands of TV executives. Pray to all that glitters in Hollywood your fav isn’t on the list:

The Real Crack Whores of Detroit (A&E)

This show’s problems have less to do with ratings and more to do with its stars dying of drug overdoses or getting strangled by serial killers. “At first it was great for the promos,” says a staffer who wouldn’t give her name, “but people stop watching when their favorite characters keep dropping dead.”

Producers may retool the show rather than cancel it, allowing viewers to vote, a la American Idol, for the contestant they think will go next.

American Guy (Fox)

The much-hyped cartoon comedy has consistently been losing 60 percent of its lead in audience from Family Guy and American Dad.

“I don’t get it,” laments the show’s executive producer, Seth MacFarlane, the creative force behind all three cartoons. “I thought viewers wanted a third animated show featuring a suburban family with a dumb, loudmouthed father, a put-upon wife, a misfit older daughter, a nerdy younger son, and a talking pet. I don’t know what happened.”

Project Runway – Airport Edition (Bravo)

On paper, a spin-off of the popular fashion-design reality show seemed like a shoo-in for success. But a weekly program about runway-paving crews somehow lacks drama. It also lacks enough viewers to justify a third season.


Not even the addition of Corey Feldman to the cast was enough to pull this police-forensics-themed show out of the ratings morgue. While the “real time” crime processing angle is unique, viewers aren’t patient enough to wait 8 weeks for DNA results.

Jon and Kate + Inexplicable Media Attention = STFU Already (TCM)

A program that refuses to discuss its titular characters may be too esoteric for casual viewers. The unwieldy name doesn’t help.

Cake Whisperer (National Geographic)

“What the heck is this show even about?” asks TV watcher Pinky Middleton, summarizing what many feel is the program’s main problem. “A guy who can commune with custom bakery cakes?”

Those who do tune in are often left shaken. “I can’t take it when the cakes scream as they’re being cut,” says viewer Deidre Simplemayer. “And that poor man feels their pain as if it was happening to him. Makes me shudder.”

Dancing with the Little Chocolatiers (TLC)

Problem: Their stubby legs are just too short for the dance moves, god bless ‘em.

The World’s Most Borderline-Spoiled Supermarket Produce (Spike)

Like cooking-challenge shows that taunt you with food you can never taste, viewers of TWMBSSP will never be able to squeeze the apples. Producers had been hoping, without luck, to replicate the success of The World’s Most Obvious Stitching Errors on Outlet Store Clothing.

Big People-Little Airplane Seats (TLC)

Ratings peaked in February when filmmaker Kevin Smith was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight, but network executives have learned that most viewers are only willing to watch overweight people be overtly humiliated, like having to run an impossible obstacle course on national TV while shirtless. But it’s ok, because we’re rooting for them to succeed.


Prince Edward Island Shore (MTV Canada)

Canada stole pictures of Europe’s queen for its money and the sport of hockey from Africa, but America isn’t wimpy like those other countries. We don’t watch shows that are stolen from us (can anyone say “The Office” with Ricky Gervais?). Canada, find your own ways to exploit the local white trash.

31 Rock (NBC)

In retrospect, a 30 Rock spin-off without Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey seems doomed to cancellation. Network execs should have learned their lesson with the failed hybrid 30 Rock from the Sun, which featured an alien (John Lithgow) posing as the producer of a skit comedy show.

In Style with Lindsay Lohan (Oxygen)

“Gas-station-men’s-room chic” never caught on with Americans like fashion experts thought it would.


5 Responses to “Is your favorite TV show on the chopping block? Find out here!”

  1. Discuss, millions of readers…

  2. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    I am so happy that the Prince Edward Island Shore is canceled! No one wants to see trashy teens contributing nothing to society let alone Canadian teens! The one episode I managed to watch had this young, slutty girl from Nova Scotia drinking and making out with other Nova Scotia girls at the fishing hole wearing a skin tight toque. Such a disgrace.

    Sorry to see the that Cake Whisperer is gone. He reminded me of a great movie called, Powder.

  3. Wait a minute! We need a letter-writing campaign to save PEI Shore!

  4. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    Thought you might be interested in that show. I should have told you earlier. You could have DVRed the episode. Oh wells.

  5. Damn me. Well, there’s always C-Span.

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