Transmissions from the alternate universe

1000-pound man “Too Big to Fail” in hot-dog-eating contest

Posted by oldancestor on May 13, 2010



By Eric J Baker


Little-known fact: Hot dogs are similar to snowflakes in that no two are alike

BILOXI, MS – The eyes of the world turn toward Biloxi, Mississippi this week for the 15th Annual Hot-Dog-Eating World Championship, where American star Lloyd “Jabba” Banks is an extremely heavy favorite to take home the trophy. But before Banks can gorge himself on the sweet taste of victory, he’ll have to hold off defending world champion Haruo Nakajima of Japan. Though Nakajima weighs only 99 pounds (or, as the Japanese say, “7 stone”), he chewed up the world record last year by consuming 201 hot dogs during the 20-minute contest.

Banks, who obliterates the scales at 1000 pounds, isn’t worried.

“I set a world eating record every single day, but none of you skinny f**ks is there to see it,” he said, gnawing on an ostrich drumstick. “I’m going to crush the competition. Literally. I’m going to sit on the little bastard.”

Other competitors include German champion Helga Deutschbag and New Jersey governor Chris Christie, though neither is likely to pose a serious threat to Banks.

However, the hype around this year’s event is being overshadowed by controversy.

Recently uncovered documents show that Banks’ trainers diverted food meant for the malnourished into the heavyweight’s stomach. Banks then traded the surplus food for candy bars, which turn out to be full of empty calories.

If that weren’t enough of a black eye for the contest, the Obama administration widened the plus-sized scandal last week when it installed a giant door into Bank’s New Orleans house.

“Well, it looks like the fat get fatter,” said protester Pinky Middleton from a rally in front of the Capitol Building in Washington DC. “My front door lock has been broken for months and I have to trust that stupid chain. When’s the federal government going to fix my door?”

President Obama commented on the controversy in his weekly radio address this past Saturday.

“Look. I know Americans are struggling with their own doors,” said the President, “but think what will happen if Mr. Banks is disqualified because he can’t get outside. It may be 10 years before the United States wins another hot-dog-eating championship.”

Republicans in Congress accuse the president of playing the “fat card.”

Said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “What do you expect of a president who has his hand in the pie industry’s pocket?”

When reached for comment in Tokyo, reigning champ Nakajima said, “Watashi wa Haruo desu. Ogenki desu ka?”  

Banks was incensed after being told of Nakajima’s comments.

“That little son of a b***h! I’m gonna rip out his guts and show him the black stuff he’s got inside!” he growled.

When told Nakajima’s comments roughly translate as, My name is Haruo. How are you, the heavyweight said, “Oh.”

Banks is currently en route to the site of the contest and should arrive tomorrow. He’s being floated by barge.


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