Stocks tumble after Earth is destroyed in supercollider mishap
Posted by oldancestor on May 12, 2010
ATOM SMASHER MORE THAN JUST A “GIANT UNDERGROUND DONUT” AFTER ALL
By Eric J Baker
NEW YORK – The Stock Market closed 600 points lower yesterday following news of an incident at the Large Hadron Supercollider in Switzerland. The drop is just the most recent example of market volatility that has plagued the NYSE this year and may prompt a Securities and Exchange Commission investigation.
Yesterday’s trouble began in the Supercollider control room when an employee, whose name has not been released, pushed the big red button on the main console. Witnesses say he tripped on a rubber floor mat and his hand inadvertently struck the cylindrical plunger, causing the Supercollider to fire.
The Earth was consumed by the ensuing black hole.
At a press conference later in the day, a beleaguered spokesperson for CERN, the organization that built the atom-smashing device, said, “The button was clearly marked ‘do not press under any circumstances,’ so what do you want me to say?”
She did promise a full investigation before declining further questions from reporters.
The S&P 500 and Dow Jones plunged precipitously as news of the disaster spread, and commodities trading was down.
“Anytime the unemployment rate goes from 9.8 percent to 100 percent, you’re going to see instability in the market,” said economist Nicolas Cage. “I’m advising people to look at real estate on the moon and Mars as the safest investment right now.”
Wall Street banking and investment executives acted swiftly in the face of the crisis, issuing themselves ten-million-dollar bonuses.
“My main goal is to financially rape ordinary citizens and do whatever possible to further destroy the country that gave me the opportunity to get this wealthy in the first place,” said executive Lou Ciphers, apparently not realizing he was wearing a Truth Helmet.
Markets rebounded slightly at the end of the day when investors became aware the financial crisis in Greece no longer existed, nor did the country that spawned it.
President Obama, touring the wreckage of Earth in Spaceship One, declared the United States a pile of dust and called for a bipartisan effort to stabilize the economy.
“I will also introduce a new jobs bill,” said the President, “focusing on moon-colony construction. It’s time to get Americans back to work.”
Activists quickly took sides, with leftists demanding a moratorium on dark side of the moon oil drilling until the potential for wind-turbine energy can be assessed. Right wingers countered by calling Earth’s former satellite “a big ball of socialist government cheese” and declaring that protection from the sun’s radiation is unconstitutional.
Stocks are expected to open higher today on news of rapid hiring in the gravity-boot industry.