THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

News Briefs/Boxers: A round-up of today’s most sensational stories from around the globe

Posted by oldancestor on May 11, 2010

Warning: This article contains a shocking  image that may disturb some readers. Proceed with caution.

 

“Preparation i” finally unveiled

 

UNITED STATES – It took almost 60 years, but Preparation i, the long-awaited upgrade from Preparation H, is set to hit store shelves this week.

“We’ve been the butt of a lot of jokes,” said Pinky Middleton, CEO of Pfizer, which manufactures the hemorrhoid ointment, “because it took us so long to get this done. But when you rush things, you end up with crap like Windows Vista and New Coke. We don’t want people to make fun of our product.”

The company has come under fire in recent years for its seemingly endless delays in getting the upgrade to the market. Preparations A through G were released less than two years apart, from 1941 to 1950, but since then Pfizer has been plagued by R&D and production problems, leading some to question Middleton’s stewardship of the brand. He promises Americans won’t have to wait so long for Preparation J, which the company expects to make available within five years.

“We’ve learned how to streamline the process,” he said.

The story is not without its tragic side, however.

While filming a special for VH1 entitled, Don’t Rub it in: a Going Away Party for Preparation H, reality TV show star Jon Gosselin accidentally fell into a tub of the topical cream and immediately began shrinking.

Paramedics work desperately to save reality TV star Jon Gosselin. He was later pronounced dead at the scene.

***

Changes in marriage laws lead to a dog marrying a human

DOG ISLAND – In the Dog Islands of the South Pacific, where the world’s only known breed of talking dog resides, growing controversy over a new, liberal marriage law threatens to turn violent. Angry crowds have been descending on the capitol city, Biscuitville, since a ceremony wedding a dog to a human was performed two days ago.

“I hope the liberals are happy,” barked a protestor identifying himself as Rover. “Marriage is defined by Dog as between two canines. This is a bone we’ve buried again and again, but the Supreme Kennel keeps digging it up.”

Prime Minister Spot, described by some as a “liberal firehound,” isn’t about to tuck his tail between his legs and run away.

“Dogs and humans deserve equal protection under the law and access to the same health coverage that dog-dog families have,” said the Prime Minister. 

Conservative rival Spike, who plans to challenge Spot in the next parliamentary election, responded by asking, “What’s next, a human marrying a human?”

***

Researchers discover most killers actually warm-blooded

AUSTRALIA – Researchers at Sydney University made a startling discovery this week when they learned that violent murderers, long thought cold-blooded, may actually have warm blood like the rest of us.

“This throws almost a hundred years of scientific precedent in the garbage,” said Nigel Johnson, a professor involved in the research. “It turns out killers most likely don’t bask in the sun before going on a rampage.”

He went on to say the findings would be a boon to law enforcement, but he did now specify how.

Readers may remember Dr. Johnson as the driving force behind a number of landmark studies.

In 2002, he authored the article, Landmarks: Is it better to ‘turn left at McDonalds’ or ‘turn left on Rt. 23?’ which was followed two years later by Landmarks II: Is it better to ‘turn right by Burger King’ or ‘turn right on County Road 601?’

Johnson is hoping to win a grant for further landmark studies.

“I’m really trying to get to the bottom of this landmark thing,” he said.

6 Responses to “News Briefs/Boxers: A round-up of today’s most sensational stories from around the globe”

  1. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    A dog marrying a human?!?!?! That’s outrageous! I am fully appalled and sickened by this outcome. Thank the Almighty that I live here, in the good ol’ US of A, where nothing like that would happen. What’s next? A man marrying another man?!?!

    I better go. My husband will be home from work and I have to do the laundry and finish cooking his meatloaf.

  2. Good lord, stop reading the internets! You might accidentally cook the laundry and do the meatloaf.

    Zoinks!

  3. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    Seriously! I don’t handle change very well. I’m still usuing Preparation D. Call me old fashion, but I know what I likes.

  4. Dude, that stuff has chlorine and arsenic in it. The rules were a bit looser back in the day.

    Do you still have the unfiltered cigarettes that came free with the ointment? If they’re still sealed, they go for, like, $500 bucks on ebay.

  5. Hanson Anderson said

    🙂

    • Once again, thanks for placing an obscure post in the bottom four of my top posts.

      I thought there were some good gags in this article. Am I allowed to be pleased with my own writing?

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