News Briefs/Boxers: A round-up of today’s most sensational stories from around the globe
Posted by oldancestor on May 11, 2010
Warning: This article contains a shocking image that may disturb some readers. Proceed with caution.
“Preparation i” finally unveiled
UNITED STATES – It took almost 60 years, but Preparation i, the long-awaited upgrade from Preparation H, is set to hit store shelves this week.
“We’ve been the butt of a lot of jokes,” said Pinky Middleton, CEO of Pfizer, which manufactures the hemorrhoid ointment, “because it took us so long to get this done. But when you rush things, you end up with crap like Windows Vista and New Coke. We don’t want people to make fun of our product.”
The company has come under fire in recent years for its seemingly endless delays in getting the upgrade to the market. Preparations A through G were released less than two years apart, from 1941 to 1950, but since then Pfizer has been plagued by R&D and production problems, leading some to question Middleton’s stewardship of the brand. He promises Americans won’t have to wait so long for Preparation J, which the company expects to make available within five years.
“We’ve learned how to streamline the process,” he said.
The story is not without its tragic side, however.
While filming a special for VH1 entitled, Don’t Rub it in: a Going Away Party for Preparation H, reality TV show star Jon Gosselin accidentally fell into a tub of the topical cream and immediately began shrinking.
Changes in marriage laws lead to a dog marrying a human
DOG ISLAND – In the Dog Islands of the South Pacific, where the world’s only known breed of talking dog resides, growing controversy over a new, liberal marriage law threatens to turn violent. Angry crowds have been descending on the capitol city, Biscuitville, since a ceremony wedding a dog to a human was performed two days ago.
“I hope the liberals are happy,” barked a protestor identifying himself as Rover. “Marriage is defined by Dog as between two canines. This is a bone we’ve buried again and again, but the Supreme Kennel keeps digging it up.”
Prime Minister Spot, described by some as a “liberal firehound,” isn’t about to tuck his tail between his legs and run away.
“Dogs and humans deserve equal protection under the law and access to the same health coverage that dog-dog families have,” said the Prime Minister.
Conservative rival Spike, who plans to challenge Spot in the next parliamentary election, responded by asking, “What’s next, a human marrying a human?”
Researchers discover most killers actually warm-blooded
AUSTRALIA – Researchers at Sydney University made a startling discovery this week when they learned that violent murderers, long thought cold-blooded, may actually have warm blood like the rest of us.
“This throws almost a hundred years of scientific precedent in the garbage,” said Nigel Johnson, a professor involved in the research. “It turns out killers most likely don’t bask in the sun before going on a rampage.”
He went on to say the findings would be a boon to law enforcement, but he did now specify how.
Readers may remember Dr. Johnson as the driving force behind a number of landmark studies.
In 2002, he authored the article, Landmarks: Is it better to ‘turn left at McDonalds’ or ‘turn left on Rt. 23?’ which was followed two years later by Landmarks II: Is it better to ‘turn right by Burger King’ or ‘turn right on County Road 601?’
Johnson is hoping to win a grant for further landmark studies.
“I’m really trying to get to the bottom of this landmark thing,” he said.
This entry was posted on May 11, 2010 at 12:42 am and is filed under World News. Tagged: Dogs marrying humans, fake news, News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.